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Miss Jane

Copyright, Miss Jane

My story starts out the same as every other one. Well, some of them. My brother used to rape me, and molest me, and beat me, from the time I was nine, until I turned twelve. Well, one time, I remember this well because it was my first time, well one time, I was so ashamed, and I couldn’t ever tell anyone, because my brother was the ‘good boy’ and I was just one of the girls, I was so ashamed and embarassed that I went into my bathroom directly after he raped me, with a pair of scisors. It was a day in late January, and I wore a sweater for the next four days to hide the cuts and scabs underneath.

Well, after every incident, I would cut myself up with whatever was available. Razors, knives, soda cans, whatever. And living with a cat, an excuse was easy.

Then I started middle school. People would stare at me, and whisper things like ‘she cuts herself because she’s crazy’ and I knew that there was nothing wrong with me, I just had a secret, and I felt like every time I did it, I told someone, and it was gone, but then it would happen again. I never did tell anyone, and I don’t think I ever will.

In eigth grade I cut myself in school with one of those rulers with the paper cutter edge. That was my most obvious call for help. No one did anything, until I got in trouble for something else. They took me to the nurse, and poured perodixe on the cut, and sent me to the hospital. I spent seven hours there.

So then, for the next ten weeks I went to suicide therapy, self injury support groups, and peer counselling. I think it was a waste of my time, because I still cut to this day. It’s almost like a habit. It’s something I do when I have to get something out, or don’t want to be sad or angry anymore. I think it’s therapeutic, but I guess that’s because it’s my only way of dealing. My music career has helped to hinder this… addiction, but not to the extent that I would like it to.

I’m 16 now, and it’s been six years. I feel so dumb that I do it, but I can’t help it. I think, that if I give it time, and make some supportive friends, I’ll be able to come through this alive.

 

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