Psyke.org

Me

Short Summary of Me

Copyright Me

I am sixteen and I only cut for about five months. I know it’s not that long, but it was for me. I would cut for every reason, whenever I got upset, or afraid, I would turn to cutting. There’s a lot in my past, too much to say, I’ll write a brief summary later. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I’m on Zoloft and it’s helping. I have a very poor image of myself. I hate myself, and that’s one of the main reasons that I cut. I haven’t cut in a month and a half, and it’s been hard. It hurt me when a ‘friend’ found out that I cut, and he said ‘you don’t even have a reson to cut’. I thought ‘fuck you, you don’t know half the shit I have been through and you never will’. So then I don’t know, maybe I did cut for dumb reasons, I don’t know. But at the time, it was the only thing that helped me, and it’s so hard not to anymore. It’s the first thing I think of when I’m hurt or scared, etc. It’s my own little secret, my own little world, where you all can go (people that hurt me) where I can escape. I am addicted and it’s so hard not to anymore. I don’t know, I hope I can continue not cutting. I’ll try to stay strong.

To make it short, I haven’t been with my mom that much throughout my life, because she has been married to an ass and they were involved with drugs and he didn’t like me. Then after about three years of living with my grandma, she got caught and went to a family recovery center, during that time, my little sister got adoped by another family, my two older brothers now don’t have anything to do with my mom, and through all the shit she has put me through, I can’t give up on her. But that doesn’t make my life any easier. I know it could always be worse. Anyways last year she got remarried. He seemed cool. Then he started to drink all the time, kicked us out, and soon committed suicide. It was hard because once upon a time, we were a happy family, living together. There was a lot more that happened but I don’t wanna go into it.

My Story

Copyright Me

I started SI’ing for the first time two years ago, I was eleven. At the time I didn’t find it a big deal because I didn’t do it because I was unhappy, I did it because loads of people were doing it at scool and I wondered how bad it would hurt so I tried it (it wasn’t pressure, I just wanted to see what it was like). It hurt like hell, I did two 99’ers on my arm, they nearly got infected, but I was lucky they didn’t. Those cuts have left a scar. A year after that a close friend told me that she self-harmed and because I didn’t anymore because I thought it was a stupid and dangerous thing to do, I told a teacher what she had told me because I was worried about her. A year later (now) I found out that my friend was still doing it, I didn’t tell a teacher about her this time, partly because I knew it would ruin our friendship and partly because I was thinking of doing it myself. In the end I did do it myself, I got a Stanley knife and dragged it across my arm eight times, the cuts were close together so they were just about able to be passed off as cat scratches. I did it because I was so stressed out with everything, family, friends, school, everything basically. I told my close friends what I’d done and they were all concerned, which really stressed me out because they were all patronising me. So that made me do it more. I’ve now done around thirty cuts, on my arms, legs, chest and tummy. I find it really weird how everyone I have heard about on this site, wants to stop, but I don’t. I think it’s OK to do it if you don’t go too far. I told all my mates that I would stop, but I told my best mate that I wasn’t going to, because I thought she deserved to know the truth. I told her that she cannot tell anyone, but if she sees any cuts on my wrists then she has permission to tell a teacher (I did this so that if I do go too far and don’t realise it, I will get help from my friend or an adult) I hope I don’t take things too far.

Update: I wrote into psyke a few months ago, telling you my story. I thought I would be fine then, god how things change. since then my best friend tried to kill her-self because I lead her down the road to depression (unintentionally). I now just want to die. If you are reading this and are thinking of self harming and you think it will be OK because you will control your-self. Don’t bother. Either kill yourself or be cut free.

Wanna Know How I Feel?

Copyright Me

If you want to know how I feel, try slitting your wrists and letting all the blood seep out until you feel empty, try shooting yourself in the head, try hanging yourself off the curtain rail, but never dying, just staying alive to feel the gut wrenching pain and depression that is your life. No matter how hard I try I never find a way out. Even in the brightest, most beautiful moments of my life I am still feeling, pain, depression and loneliness constantly. There is no way out of this living hell. Why can’t god just take my life?

Untitled

Copyright Me

I don’t know why I cut myself I just do. It’s strange. I don’t mean too. My friends have done it once or twice but they have stopped now. I use a razor or a compass. My teacher told me to stop it, I’m being stupid. But what does she know? She’s only a teacher. They only care about themselves really. They care about what others think about them. Especially the one I know. She is selfcentred. Anyway I cut my arm I haven’t tried my wrists yet but I want to. Anybody else feel like this?

 

Permanent location: http://www.psyke.org/personal/m/me