Psyke.org

Melodi

Paradise

Copyright, Melodi

This story I wrote on my online journal in July. It’s about the first time I ever cut. I wrote it to let go of some of it. It was almost 3 yrs. ago. I hope you like it.

When I was 14 me, my mom, my brother and grandparents when down to the Gulf of Mexico; Bolix Mississippi. It was December, just before Christmas. I was excited because I had never seen the ocean before.

The drive was almost endless. I get these cramps in my legs from siting too long. It was awful.

When we got there it was about 11:00 at night. We went to look at the ocean first thing. It was one of the most beautiful things that could be. It was dark, dark blue with little yellow, orange and red lights floating on top of it. The waves were almost baby blue and they crashed making this wonderful sound.

I didn’t have any shoes on; I like the feel of wet sand between my toes too much to wear any. The sand was as soft feathers, gritty but smooth and soft. It made me feel I was between heaven and playing in the sand box in kindergarten.

I felt so free I could lift my arms and fly. I felt a peace and comfort I have never known since.

We stayed in Mississippi for two weeks but never went back to the beach. I kept trying to get someone to take me but it didn’t work. One day we were driving and someone said something that really upset me. I’m not sure what it was but it upset me a lot and I started to cry. My family reprimanded me for being such a spoiled little brat trying to get my way. That wasn’t it at all. Why couldn’t they see that a 14 yr. old girl shouldn’t cry everyday! They shouldn’t be so sad they act sick everyday to stay in bed! They should have friends!

I was depressed and they wouldn’t let themselves see. I decided to prove once and for all that I had mental problems. When I was taking my shower I picked up my razor and sliced my leg from the top of my thigh to my ankle. I watched the little red river I created run down the drain. I collapsed sobbing; I couldn’t show the people I love this. I could never hurt them like that.

For the rest of the trip my every breath fell sad.

On our last day we stopped at the beach before we were going back home. I ran and played along it. I ran in the water and even with the salt burning my cuts I felt free. I feel the chains let go of me for a while. I’ve been cutting myself from then after.

I wrote my name in the sand as I was leaving. I felt like I would try to leave some of myself there, in that wonderful paradise till I return. I know I will.

 

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