Psyke.org

Mel

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Copyright Mel

I really don’t think I could express exactly what I feel half the time, because it wouldn’t really make any sense. I feel like it’s a cycle I go through: I begin feeling fine, then there’s some sort of trigger, then there’s the rage, the inability to communicate in any form, the suicidal tendencies, and since I haven’t gone and killed myself, the guilt and shame emanating from the fact that I thought about killing myself, and then it repeats. That bit makes sense because there’s a trigger to the rage, but other times it doesn’t take a trigger. It’s something that I never understood and I probably never will. When I can’t sit still and I get so angry for no reason, and I have to stop what I’m doing and do something else because I can’t do what I’m doing any longer or I will explode, I’ll scream and hurt myself. I don’t understand it at all.

I feel like I need to purify myself somehow, because of everything that I feel and think. I feel like I have to make myself clean because I twist so much of what happens and what people say and everything and I am left feeling dirty and worthless. I have to make myself clean because I do these things to myself and because I hurt so many people. I mean clean, purified, decontaminated, and free from all the remains that everything has left behind, I mean like everything from the self harm and from everything else. I seem to find that sometimes I can go for a long time without SI and others I find it hard to go longer than 10 minutes… I’ve gotten to the stage where I find it fascinating…

But I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been getting help and the urge at the moment seems to be much less. Therapy works… and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and we should never let this kill us, we are strong enough to get through it and getting through will make us stronger…

If anyone wants to talk my email is mel_mitchener@hotmail.com and my AIM is melmitchener. I’m normally online.

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Copyright, Mel

I am nearly 17 years old, I dread the next five days, having to live to see another birthday. I have overdosed numerous times and have been cutting for years. I simply can’t explain the satisfication I get out of harming myself, and 16 months ago I was raped, and began throwing up whenever I ate. I was a regular patient in a psychiatric hospital at the time so when my actions became apparent to the nurses I was put in the high dependancy unit and monitored after meals. I had, until then, not cut for about a month, a long time considering I used to cut every day. So I began cutting. The sweet sensation I felt at once being able to again hold a blade to my skin, let it bite, draw red lines into my immensely scarred skin. I can not explain the relief I get from this act, all I know is that when I bleed it feels like I am letting out my emotional fears and rejection I have been exposed to in the last 6 years. Ever since I was young my mum had problems with mental illness, and this suddenly came out six years ago when she ended up in a psychiatric hospital. It was then I started cutting. I just thought I would let people know my story, and also thanks for the others who have put a story on here, it helps me to know I am not alone.

 

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