Psyke.org

Martin

Copyright, Martin

All my life I have wanted to just try and cut myself. I didn’t know why, but I just had an idea that I would feel great. Then 2 years ago my dad died, but instead of crying I closed myself in and told everyone that I was OK. I didn’t even cry! I wouldn’t believe that my dad was just dead! For one and a half year things were fine, but even back then, I felt like I wanted to cut, to just take a knife and let it slowly cut through my skin. To feel that blood run down my arm. I finally tried to cut. I wrote my name “MARTIN” in my left leg. I told my friends that it was a mistake, and they believed me. I tried to cut deeper, and cut more often. I quickly found out that it gave me a great feeling inside. It made me forget the pain I had inside, because of my fathers’ death. It was (and still is) my way of telling myself that I’m still alive! Every day I wake up and I have a feeling that I want to end my life, I want to commit suicide, I want to slit my wrists. I find one of my many razors and cut myself. Deep and long. I always cut in my right leg. When I see the blood, I use the blade to take the blood up to my mouth. I slowly taste it. I love the way it tastes. I love its smell, I love its colour. I simply love my own blood. When I’m done cutting I take a shower and wrap my leg in a thick bandage so no one can see. About 2 weeks ago my mother found out, because the girls from my class told my teacher, and then she told my mom. After that day my life has been a living hell. Every night I can hear my mother cry, and it makes me want to cut even more. I have told her that I have stopped doing it, but I haven’t. I don’t want to stop. Why should I stop? Last week I began to cut words into my leg. The first word was “FAIL” (I carved this word because the girl I love took her own life the same day, and it felt like I had failed.) The next day I hated myself so I carved “HATE”. And so on. I now have 7 words carved into my right leg. I know this is not a good thing to say, but watch out. Don’t let people know about your SI. Only tell if you are 105% sure that they can handle it.

Take care,
Martin K

P.S. If you want to talk/write with me then my mail is k.l.e.i.s@ofir.dk and my ICQ is 162803399.

 

Permanent location: http://www.psyke.org/personal/m/martin