Psyke.org

Mari

Untitled

Copyright, Mari

I’m here to encourage and hopefully get at least one person to understand, there’s help out there for people who SI. I have struggled with SI for five years now. It had gotten more severe in the last two years, to the point where I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital and, well, I’ve attended therapy for a couple of months now so that’s something. I have restrained from cutting for like a month. Last year I believe the longest I went was three months. That takes a lot but it can be done, makes me feel proud, although I’m not not going to say I have not been triggered. I have very much but… So anyways, I hope someone gets something from my story.

Just Me

Copyright, Mari

I’ve been cutting for about three years and I’m getting help and improving really well. I started when I was in the 5th grade… And then everything just started happening. Like, my best friend died and then my dad left me. And I just started getting made fun of. I’m very open to talking about this and I’m not scared to hold anything back. I don’t see the point because this is me and this is who I am and I’m so sorry it’s hell for you.

My parents just say I want attention, well, they barely know me at all. I’d rather blend in with the wall than get attention from other people. And I’m just writing you this because I can relate to a lot of people on this site.

I’m online all the time so if anyone wants to IM me or something and talk for a while you can — lnlyndepressd066 — or e-mail me, whichever is best for you.

Stay strong.

Once, Twice, I’m Done

Copyright, Mari

The first time I cut myself, I felt weird. I was all of a sudden taken into a space of pure relaxation. And I liked it. This cutting thing was going good the first time. All of my worries, pain and sorrow was put to the side. The next time I did it, I was even more happy. I was glad there was something I could do about my pain. But then I got the worst news: My friend had died. Because of cutting herself. I choked up from then on. I never cut again, and I’m glad.

Untitled

Copyright, Mari

I first began hurting myself at around 6 or 7, maybe earlier, everything before then is virtually gone from memory. I never really thought about it then, not as intentional. I called myself a “klutz”, I “bumped into” things and “fell” all the time, but the truth was that I wanted it to happen, so I made it happen.

It wasn’t till the age of 13 that I started using sharp objects to carve on myself. X-actos were one, but most commonly it was needles or safety pins, sometimes those little buttons you wear on jackets and stuff. For a while, in high school, I even wore safety pins stuck in my ears. I stopped for 2 years after graduating from school. I don’t remember how or why. I was in a limbo for those 2 years, emotionally nowhere.

Then I started again, worse than before, and that is when my family started to notice something wrong with me. I’d always been the odd one, the “crazy” one in my family, but I guess I got even too weird for them. With the help of my friends and family, I got into therapy and started on medications.

I’d like to say that it was over and done with there, but it wasn’t. I still thought about it all the time, still did it when I couldn’t help myself, and I was suicidal. I joined an online mailing list for people who self injure. They helped me a lot for a while. I could tell them what I was going through and they understood, they were there with me, and I wasn’t a “freak” and I wasn’t alone. The list is called Bodies Under Siege (BUS).

Then I moved out of state with my then boyfriend, now husband, and stopped seeing my doctors. I tried to be better, but it didn’t always work. Time went by and it started to get worse again and he took me to see drs here. I was started back on medications and went to a psychologist once a week for a while and although I’ve stopped seeing my psychologist and am no longer taking medication (pregnancy) I’m still better off than I was. It’s been 6 months since I last injured myself and I’m still taking it day by day. I still think about it sometimes and sometimes I really want to do it, but I’m trying. Even if I cut today I can pick up and try again. I’ve made it longer than I thought I could and maybe I can make it just a little longer. Wish me luck.

 

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