Psyke.org

Katie

Why Me?

Copyright Katie

I sit here and wonder… why me?
What did I do wromg to deserve this feeling and hate?

I am a slut, this is true.
I get teased everyday.

But why must I have to close my legs when it feels so good?
So I ask… why me?

I do get drunk and screw a lot of guys,
but the teseing and name calling has forced me to do this.

So now I am a self mutilator

See What He’s Done…

Copyright Katie

The tip of the blade caressing my wrist
Ripping the thin layer of skin in two
Trickles of red liquid drifting down my arm
The feeling so familiar
It’s been forever since I’ve had this sensation
So refreshing
The razor dropping to the tile
A cry of enjoyed pain echoing through the room
The moist washcloth covering the wound
I’ve missed this so much
Old memories filling my mind
How long I have waited for this moment
Removing the cloth
Revealing the cut
Blood smothering my skin

What prompted this action?
What started it all?
Was it his suicide?
Was it his stupid mistake?
He was the one who made me like this
He is the one who wanted this to happen
He knew what he was doing
He knew he was hurting me
Yet, he continued the decision anyway

I’ve missed him so much
He used to be so good to me
He treated me fairly
He made my day with him the best I’ve ever had
But now, he’s gone
He left me alone in the dark
Letting me commit such a crime to myself
Why would he want this to be the truth?
Why would he want me to hate my life?

My eyes watching the drops of crimson coming from the wound again
Smiling at the torture he’s caused me
Memories flooding my mind again
As I reach for the blade
To start all over again…

Untitled

Copyright Katie

scars
criss-crossed and fading
dotting weary flesh like stars
only half of them could ever be visible to the outside world
others are streaked across our minds
fading into whispers and sighs
so scarred
so burnt
so tormented
by the never-ceasing thinking
the endless questions that will never have answers

we all have our scars
torrents of old fire and aching
we will always focus on the pain of yesterday
and the longing for tomorrow
we each seek the sunlight, knowing
hoping
praying.

because life is so beautiful
when we’re not looking.

Scar

Copyright Katie

All The scars that have burned deep
Red on the surface, burning inside
Keeps me sane, keeps me alive
Killing the outsiders, salvaging me

It burns deeper and deeper
Louder and louder I scream, I cry
The tears flow, the blood rises, the fire burns
Now a scar for me to love

Untitled

Copyright Katie

And I tell myself it’s helping,
And I tell myself I’m doing the right thing,
And I tell myself not to open up,
Not to tell the real thing,
But everyday someone new asks,
And everyday they say can I see?
I smile and just laugh it all off,
But then I cough,
And I choke on my tears,
The angels above are trying to shine,
I know I keep them on a tight line,
Time rolls on by,
All I can do is sigh,
And I shrug it off,
I shrug it off,
I always shrug it off,
And I tell myself it’s helping,
And I tell myself I ‘m doing the right thing,
And I tell myself not to open up,
Not to tell the real thing,
I hide in my cold hands,
They hold together like lonely bands,
My only friends,
I don’t want this brought to the end,
All of their tears,
Always screaming-they hurt my ears,
My heart is untouched and bare,
All I ever see is one long lifeless stare,
And I try so hard not to end it,
And I sometimes try to hold on-even if it is a little bit,
All I am is fear,
And I am always here,
I never go away,
But I don’t ever stay,
So if I seem lost,
Just give me a tear and a toss,
I’ll fall and my skin will bleed,
But that is all that I ever seem to need,
A drop of red,
Always helps clear up my head,
You don’t realize-you don’t know,
You’d never understand if I told you though,
So sometimes I wonder why I even try,
It’s not enough to just cry,
I need something much deeper,
And I think this one is a definite keeper,
And I tell myself it’s helping,
And I tell myself I’m doing the right thing,
And I tell myself not to open up,
Not to tell the real thing,
Time has come-and it has gone,
And this has been way too long,
I think maybe it’ time to wave good-bye,
But before I go-I’ll give it one more try,
Oh hell-forget that,
One last final sigh,
The end is near,
Can you feel it too my dear?
And I tell myself it’s helping,
And I tell myself I’m doing the right thing,
And I tell myself not to open up,
Not to tell the real thing.

My World of Hate

Copyright, Katie

Try and break the mould, but life won’t let you live.
The ever turning circle, all hate is relative.
I’m trapped within its shell, the moments slipping away.
I hear your faintful cry, please save me today.

Cut away the angst now, and with it take my soul.
For it is weary of this world, the deep- dark- hole.
The pain is setting in, all I can do is weep.
Drain today the sorrow, let the crimson honey seep.

The World has run away, yet I am standing still.
Frozen in my castle of ice, and winter chill.
No one can wake me now, no one can take my fate.
Frozen forever, welcome to my world of hate.

Scars on my Arms

Copyright Katie

Scars on my arms
That wont go away
Scars on my arms
That are here to stay

People wonder why
I wear long sleaves
But the truth that lies beneath
No one wants to believe

People judge by
Figure and face
They dont see
Whats underneath

Why make it harder
By letting them see
The scars on my arms

The reason i dont
Want anyone to see
Is i want them to look deeper
And judge the real me

Cutting, Burning, Pleasing, Purging

Copyright, Katie

Hi. I haven’t cut in the last 2 months and it’s getting harder and harder. My poems have helped me a little, and reading poetry sometimes helps me. So, I’m sending you my work.

Cutting, Burning, Pleasing, Purging,
things that I’m ultimately urging.
The will for life, only confined by a knife.
Courage to fight, using all my might.
Always forgive, but never forget,
to feel means to hurt, so I will not let.
Things I did, things that I’ve done,
pills to take, to calm my emotions.

Driven, unwilling thoughts appear,
of pain, of anger, of fear.
Helping my sorrows go away,
until something happens,
it’s just another day.
But for now, let death do us part,
I’ll never forget, you’re always in my heart.

 

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