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Suicide... Read this first!
© Metanoia.org, Original location
If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read
this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk
you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental
health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be
in pain.
I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only
know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can
assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering
ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there
with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and
heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make
do with this.
I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so
I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you
might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this
short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have
five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I
won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I
assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.
Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask
you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that
you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about
whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel
that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about
dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this
minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even
while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants
to live. So let’s hang on to that, and keep going for a few more
minutes.
Start by considering this statement:
Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.
That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak,
or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you
really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you
can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your
shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights...
no matter how much you want to remain standing. (That’s why it’s
useless for someone to say to you, "cheer up!" - of course you
would, if you could.)
Don’t accept it if someone tells you, "that’s not enough to
be suicidal about". There are many kinds of pain that may lead to
suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person
to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be
bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable
depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary
greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.
When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the
result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of
character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain
versus coping resources.
You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things:
(1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase
your coping resources. Both are possible.
Now I want to tell you five things to think about.
-
The first thing you need to hear is that people do get through
this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now.
Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going
to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of
hope.
-
The next thing I want to suggest to you is to give yourself
some distance. Say to yourself, "I will wait 24 hours before I
do anything." Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions
are two different things - just because you feel like killing
yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right
this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings
and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have
already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You
can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this
page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel
suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is
very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.
-
The third thing is this: people often turn to suicide because
they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a
feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not
feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
-
The fourth thing is this: some people will react badly to your
suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or
angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping
you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless
things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are
about their fears, not about you.
But there are people out there who can be with you in this
horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or
send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly
you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them.
Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s
going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try
The Samaritans by phone or e-mail worldwide, or look in the front
of your phone book for a crisis line), call a psychotherapist,
carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who
is likely to listen. But don’t give yourself the additional
burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about
how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the
pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource
you need to regain your balance.
-
The last thing I want you to know right now is this: Suicidal
feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they
subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is
a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups
available both in your community and on the Internet and
various online services.
Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really
glad.
Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you
should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will
give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top
of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more
coping resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another
coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your
sources of pain.
Now, while this page may have given you some small relief,
the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to
talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them
how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have
increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person
you choose won’t be the last. There are a lot of people out there
who really want to hear from you. It’s time to start looking around
for one of them.
Now: I’d like you to call someone.
And while you’re at it, you can still stay with me for a bit. Check out these
sources of online help.
Additional things to read at this site
How serious is our condition? ..."he only took 15 pills, he wasn’t really
serious..." if others are making you feel like you’re just trying to get
attention... read this.
Why is it so hard for us to recover from being suicidal? ...while most
suicidal people recover and go on, others struggle with suicidal thoughts
and feelings for months or even years. Suicide and post-traumatic stress
disorder (PTSD).
Recovery from grief and loss ...has anyone significant in your life recently
died? You would be in good company... many suicidal people have recently
suffered a loss.
The stigma of suicide that prevents suicidal people from recovering: we
are not only fighting our own pain, but the pain that others inflict on us...
and that we ourselves add to. Stigma is a huge complicating factor in
suicidal feelings.
Resources about depression (external link)
...if you are suicidal, you are most likely
experiencing some form of depression. This is good news, because
depression can be treated, helping you feel better.
Do you know someone who is suicidal... or would you like to be able to help, if
the situation arises? Learn what to do, so that you can make the situation
better, not worse.
Handling a call from a suicidal person ...a very helpful ten-point list that
you can print out and keep near your phone or computer.
What can I do to help someone who may be suicidal? ...a helpful guide,
includes Suicide Warning Signs.
Other online sources of help
The Samaritans - trained volunteers are available 24 hours a day to listen
and provide emotional support. You can call a branch near you on the
phone, or e-mail them. Confidential and non-judgmental. Short of writing to
a psychotherapist, the best source of online help.
Talk to a therapist online - this is a list of over 100 psychotherapists and
other professionally trained counselors who will interact with you via the
Internet. Some can respond within 24-36 hours. Most charge a small fee
but can be worth it. Be sure to read the background information.
Newsgroup: alt.support.depression is a good source of peer support.
Depression support mailing list: Walkers in Darkness - Please note: this is a
very big list, but amidst all the chatter (and occasional bickering), it is
possible to find someone who will hear you and offer support.
Suicide support mailing list - type 'subscribe suicide-support your name' in
the body of the message. Not an extremely active list, but might be
helpful.
Mental Health Net, as usual, has the best listing of online resources for
suicide - as well as most other mental health challenges.
Still feel bad? These jokes might relieve the pressure for a minute or two.
If you want help finding a human being to talk with in person, who can help
you live through this, try reading this article about how to Choose a
Competent Counselor.
Books that actually help, by people who get it
Out of the Nightmare:
Recovery From Depression And Suicidal Pain, by
David L. Conroy, PhD (New Liberty Press, 1991, ISBN 1-879204-00-2). If
this web page helped you a little, this book will help a lot. Dr. Conroy
knows how to untangle the web of darkness. Recommended reading for
every suicidal person, therapist, counselor, friends and families of suicidal
persons, and those left behind by the suicide of a loved one. The book is
quite comprehensive, but non-technical, and can be sampled in small
doses.
Suicide: The Forever Decision by Paul G. Quinnett, PhD (Continuum,
1989, $8.95, ISBN 0-8264-0391-3). Frank and helpful conversation with a
therapist who cares.
Choosing to Live: how to defeat suicide through cognitive therapy by
Thomas E. Ellis PsyD and Cory F. Newman PhD (New Harbinger Publications,
1996, $12.95, ISBN 1-57224-056-3). Another conversational book with
practical help for suicidal persons.
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