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Home > Personal Stories > Self Injury

Self Injury

Copyright, Katie

The cuts are healing. I guess it is time to make more. There's alot of talk about punishment and not deserving to be okay in the inside. I guess that is a fairly common trait among us who self injury. Where does it come from? Is it our abusers who have taught us it is our fault and therefore deserve to be punished? Is it our inapproprate guilt feelings? Our drive for perfection? Our need to feel something? Our pain for what was done to us? I think the answer lies in all of the above. Is this what I should be pondering on my birthday? No, but here we are anyway. 9:30 a.m. is a bad time to be thinking these thoughts. It means we must fight them all day and into the night until we can cut. Alone. Secretly, in our shame and guilt to live another day. Is this any way to run a life? No. But it is all that we have at the moment. Endless days and nights of cutting, regretting and feeling shame.

We just have to do what we have to do until we don't have to do it anymore. I think I want that engraved somewhere as my legecy to self injurers. It's not permission, just the way it is. As Shakespeare once wrote, "To thine own self be true." I guess that's what we're doing. Being true to our feelings or lack thereof is very important. No one but someone else who is going through it can truely understand. And I pray to God they never do. Because to truely understand you must have walked the fires of Hell and seen the face of the devil. I wish that for no one.

I guess if I could have one wish fufilled on this, my birthday, it would be that not one more person ever would have to live with abuse, would never be abused, would not even know what abuse is. I want the suffering to stop, now! But I know it will not happen. Man's injustices to man has been a thread woven into the tapestry of our history since Cain and Able.

Long time! It won't be stopped over night, nor will it go away until it is what we all want. Every man, woman and child must actively work for the end of abuse in all its forms. We can do it. We have changed the course of our society and history before. It takes a life long commitment to a cause. A cause that states it is for the good of all and the harm of none. Do I think it will happen? Yes. Some day. I hope I'm around to see it. Until then I will keep fighting my own private war to put an end to abuse. It'll catch on, someday. And when it does, no one will be able to extingish the brushfire it will create.

© 2002 Ratatosk

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