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Home > Personal Stories > A Life Without Self-Harm?

A Life Without Self-Harm?

Unknown author

At the point at which I am now at with my harming, I can somehow step back and see where I was, and where others seem to be. As I have read through other peoples sites, one thing seems to have constantly come into view. All these people say that they want to stop harming, but I do not believe this. I am not trying to be awful about it, and I would love for all those people to truly mean it, but I feel that they are where I was.

It's like I have got out of this hole that all self-harmers are in, and I am looking down on all those people who say they want to stop. I can't quite explain what I mean, but it's almost like I have woken up from a dream. Ok I am still cutting, but only very rarly and it doesn't have any effect for me, it's just that it's the only thing I have for coping with things.

It's almost like self-harm traps you, and puts you in this cage, and fills your mind with all this self-hatred, all these bad things that makes you have no hope of ever stopping what you are doing. It sends you on this vicious cycle that you can't get off. You start to convince yourself that after each time you have cut, it will be your last, but it never is. Saying it is one thing, but meaning it and doing something about it is a completely different thing. And to be honest, I think it's easier to convince yourself that you want to stop than those around you. 'Cos you can convince yourself and not expect yourself to do anything about it, but other people will expect you to do something about it and show that you mean what you say.

I was not prepared by any means when I first wanted to or should I say tried to stop harming. I didn't want to stop, not if I'm honest with myself, and therefore I felt like people were trying to take part of me away and I didn't want that, so I harmed more in order to keep hold of...myself. And it's taken just over a year of me constantly trying to convince myself that I do want to stop, before I actually meant it. During that year I have discovered just how hard it is going to be, and therefore I know that it is an almost if not impossible task to stop when you truly don't want to do.

I think that one of the main reasons that people find it so hard to stop is that self-harm has such an overwhemling hold on you. But also I think that it is hard to continue to try so hard when you are being tested all the time. And when you haven't got your guard up as much as normal, and you let the feeling take over and you cut again, it really does damage that want to stop. Inevitably people resort back to harming as it is easier to do it than to try and stop.

It certainly isn't easy to stop. There is a constant battle going on in your head. Part of you saying that you don't need or want to harm, and the other part saying that you need to have that part of you back. And it IS part of you, that's what's so awful about it all, that cutting becomes part of you. You feel like you aren't a whole person if you don't have your harming. So this extra hold that it has over you is one of the hardest things to break free from.

The one sure thing is that it is entirely up to you when you stop. No one can force you stop, as much as they may try. And how you stop is up to you as well. Whether it be gradually reducing your harming until you no longer do it, or to stop just like that is up to you. I found, and still find it hard to imagine what it would be like if I didn't cut. I mean, I haven't always done it, but then I can't imagine what I was like before as that is the past, and I'm a different person now. So with that in mind, I guess the only thing left for me to do is to try and make my life what I want it to be like. And that is hard as I don't see myself with a life if I don't have cutting in it.

Through it all though, I know that though I can't see myself without cutting, it doesn't mean I can't exist without it. And that goes for everyone else as well. I think that if you have something to work towards, yet take things day by day, you can all get through this. I know that sounds like a contradiction to think about the future yet take each day as it comes, but I think that if you focus too much on the future you'll find it becomes too hard to try and stop harming - the thought of going for so long without harming may well be too much to take.

There is a future without harming for all of you. It's just waiting for you to reach out and grab it. There are people there to help point you in the right direction, and once on the right track, it will be worth while staying on it.

© 2002 Ratatosk

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