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My Story by 22 year old female Just this past october I found myself feeling the calmest that I have ever been. I was at peace with what I had just done in my new apartment house. At 3 am sitting by the edge of the counter in my locked bathroom, I swallowed 75 asprin with a mug of lukewarm water. With my face resting in my hands I breathed the sweetest relief of feeling that I had come to a permenant resolution... A peace. After a pen and paper farrewell, I crawled back into bed with my somewhat abusive boyfriend. After about 15 minutes of rest, nausea overwhelmed me. I could not throw up though. I went downstairs and filled my face with junkfood to try to kill the nausea. And then I started to get dizzy and I could not hear anything. My heart felt as if it were trying to scape my chest cavity. I called 911 and asked what was happening but they told me nothing. So I hung up on them. I went upstairs to go back to sleep and hot/cold flashes were sweeping my entire body. The phone rang. It was an ambulence and three police officers. I was rushed to emergency room where I was forced to drink characoal liquid and hooked up to an I.V. And for the next 12 hours I was throwing up again and again black, thick, sour foam. I had to go into the little bathroom in the emergency room every 2 minutes to urinate and defecate. I was trebmling like a smack junkie.I rinsed the splatters of vomit from my face and stared at a cadavorous face in the mirror. I looked like should be dead. It was all so surreal. The next three days that I spent in the i.c.u. were mostly drifting in and out of conciousness. My heart stayed over 160bpm for a day. my whole body got cold and felt like pins and needles. Doctors came in wearing the sick pity look on thier face. The nurse told me I was cute. I guess that was her attempt at cheering me up. They wanted me to go to a shrink but I refused. I told them that I was fine and that I was not thinking right at the moment. They told me that if I was not brought in I would have died of kidney/liver failure - and proceeded to tell me how painful it is to die that way. They also informed me that I was lucky that I did not permenantly damage my kidneys and liver. It was a bad experience. But now after breaking up with my boyfriend... Moving back home... Being in debt... Being dianosed with herpes I am feeling the urge for self termination again. I just keep thinking... 'What is the point? I have not been happy since my age was in single digits.' Top of page Webmaster: wulff@ratatosk.net |