|
Previous story Next story  Articles Personal stories Poetry |
|
My experience by Jim Shanley I first want to say there are options other then suicide. I know. I was going through the most painful time. I had many things pushing down on me. I was sick with a severe sinus infection(we have 5 sinuses, one under our brain all five were infected) and had to be operated on. The pain in my head was unbearable. I was unable to work, worried about the possibility of loosing my house and was clinically depressed but didn’t know that yet. At this point I couldn’t even deal with the brake up of my marriage but didn’t realize that yet either. One day or night (they where both dark) at my lowest point I was hanging my head over the side of my bed. The physical pain was unbelievable. My head felt like a tooth being drilled with my ears ringing loud and another sound that I can’t even describe. I felt as if I as if I had touched a cold corner of hell and could only see black with blood red. I couldn’t take any more and needed to stop the pain. This point is when I began to feel the need to end my life but this is also the time that I felt as if the hand of God touched me. For about the next two months the pain and struggle to not take my life continued. I was as if demons were inside me relentlessly jabbing my innersole with swords urging me kill myself day after day minute after minute and second after second. I had the operation and the pain in recovery was unbearable. At some point I began to go church and I remember standing in the pew next to my parents thinking I can’t take it any more, the depression and pain were too much to continue and this will be the day I kill my self. By the end of the service and talking with people later I felt the spirit of God enter me, fill me up and lift me out of that need to die that day. I cried. At some point I had begun to see a therapist and Dr. and also the Pastor at church for counseling. I told them that I had suicidal thoughts and they all tried to help as they could. It was as if the time I spent with them was the only time I could breath. Every minute in between was hell, as if I was suffocating. The struggle to not take my life was a second by second ordeal. I was given a prayer to say "Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me" I ended up saying this at times for hours just to keep from giving in to surging suicidal urges in me. It was bad, a battle between good and evil, holy and the unholy. On ST. Patrick’s Day I had all I could take and tried a plastic bag on in my bedroom to see what it would be like. It kind of smelt good and felt comfortable, sort of warm and welcoming. I took it off and then tried it on again and took it off. I got real panicky and cried out to God for help. I was so on the edge. I made 13 phone calls to my family, my Pastor, my Church even my therapist but no one answered. I cried out to God, "is this a test, am I to do this by myself." Well I couldn’t do it by myself so I went back into the bag and laid on the bed. My mind was jumbled and I was scared. The bag felt comfortable and I felt the ease and comfort you feel as you slip in to a good sleep. I was terrified. The warm, welcoming comfort scared me in a big way. Big enough to get myself the hell out of the bag and bed. I cried to God again, got my car keys and went to church. It was that simple get the keys and get out, but when your so over loaded and depressed something as simple as getting out or walking to a neighbor just doesn’t enter your mind. When I got to church I was surprised the parking lot was full and Pastor was there. I found out that this was unusual for him to be there at that time. We were able to talk and pray. I told him what had happen and he was able to help calm me. I believe it was Gods hand that allowed me to be with him, that it was more than coincidence he was there at that time. The next day I told My therapist and Dr. what had happened and they thought it best for me to be hospitalized to get treatment including therapy and medication because I was now a danger to myself. The next day a Friday as I was making plans to go to the Hospital. I made a call to Oxford my health insurance company to see what was covered and how to go about getting in to the hospital. The woman on the phone was great, I wish I could remember her name. Just as the conversation was about over she said in a soft voice something like have faith in God. I ask her to say that again and she began to talk about and recite Bible verses and suggested I read the book of Psalms in the Bible. It was a great I felt as if it was Gods plan that she would be the one to get my call. After all how many people in her position would go a step further then the insurance info and bring God into the conversation. After speaking with her a called my sister, to tell her I was going in to the hospital, that I was having a tough time and was feeling edgy. We talked for a while and she also told me I should read the book Palms. Now this was more than coincidence, this was Gods guidance. I did read palms after the phone call and it did help greatly. I read until I slipped in to a deep and restful sleep. I could go on about how I feel God has been intervening in my life but I think this is enough for now. I ended up in the hospital for ten days, that is what the insurance would pay for. I knew I was not ready to leave. A week to the day I was back in the hospital. I was close, well started a second suicide attempt. It was the best thing for me to go back to the hospital. I was put on different meds and treated more aggressively this time. The insurance company allowed me to go in to a partial program after this hospital stay. It was a good stepping stone. Good therapy, art therapy was real helpful to me. I still look at the drawings I did and all the emotion and feelings come rushing back. These were emotions and feelings I had stuffed for so long that I became numb, physically. I know that is kind of common after being around other patients. I have to say that it is not easy to deal with all this, the problems that drove me to not want to wake up the next day or the mental illness that allowed me to get suicidal depressed. It does and is getting better a little at a time, that’s hard, it takes time. I want it to be over now. The medication helps, the therapy helps and a relationship with God helps. When your at your lowest point God will be there with you, if you reach out you’ll know that’s true. I’m glad I didn’t succeed at suicide. There are good times now that I would not have had, and the people who love me, it would have taken a piece of their lives away too. It’s selfish to kill yourself. I know when you are there, it seems no other options exist, but they do. They really do. I just want to add that along the way I ordered a book "The Power For Living." Reading this book made a difference for me. It gave me a step to move on to the next step. You can get it for free by calling 1-800-936-6000. They say they will not call you or try to sell you anything and that is true. Top of page Webmaster: wulff@ratatosk.net |