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Vanessa

Untitled

Copyright Vanessa

I sink backwards easily
allowing old habits to occupy me
it s a surrender of life
a surrender of passion
a measure of pain
for that forgotten ecstasy
the sharp sweetness of release
liberating me for just a moment
swirling me into a dream
so that just for one moment
the pain is tangible

Alone

Copyright Vanessa

She is alone in the dark
with nothing to do
the attention she needs
her love lost too
deep in the space she strives
haunted by dead lives
hated, torn, worthless, cheated
by the love of God she pleaded
no more nothing
free of staring
where? who? what? when?
will she be the same again
She starts to come around,
then she falls into pieces
voices crumble
she screams…
then finishes everything with a cry…

One Day at a Time

Copyright Vanessa

I talked to this guy yesterday…
he gave me a tip that should work.
I now know there is an alternative.
It’s going to be hard to stop
the cutting,
but it’s worth a shot.
So far I’ve succeeded.
I now see these scars
I wonder why I did what I did.
IT’s too late to look back
and try to change what is permanent.
I’m just going to deal with life as it
comes at me.
I’ll handle it —
one day at a time.

Untitled

Copyright Vanessa

I cut but yet
I don’t know why.
I feel like I have a sense of control.
Nobody truely understands but me.
Everybody tells me no
and how this doesn’t do anything
good for me…
They just don’t understand that this
is a part of me and it won’t go away.
I try every day to fight the urge.
Sometimes I succeed,
sometimes I don’t.
I wonder will I ever some in total
control and never cut again…

Why Daddy?

Copyright Vanessa

Help me.
I’m crying out to someone.
I don’t know who.
I feel so rejected
and hated.
I miss my dad,
he left because of me.
Why?
Why did he leave?
I’m sorry,
I’m not perfect,
I have my flaws.
If I could do something over
it would be you.
The someone I want
and need is my dad.
He’s the one I’m crying out to.
Please daddy…
Come to me.
I need you!

Special Counselor

Copyright Vanessa

There is a special person.
She’s more of a mother than anything.
She’s my school counselor.
I trust her with everything,
she listens to me,
like nobody I’ve ever known.
I know she cares,
I can see it in her eyes.
It drives me nuts,
the silence,
when things get too serious.
She always breaks it
with something to help me out
and feel better.
She loves me!
I love her too.
It’s great to know that
no matter what,
she won’t walk-out on me.
It’s great to have someone…
Someone like Kristin!

No Hope

Copyright Vanessa

I’m sitting here in my class
the only thing on my mind is
to cut.
cutting takes away all my pain.
i’m afraid to tell about that
in case they tell…
i’m sneaking away,
away to the bathroom.
i haven’t decided if i want to return.
i pull out my razor,
i begin to cut.
my blood trickles down my arm
my favorite site to see…
i know my mom would be
disapointed in me,
but right now that doesn’t matter.
I see this vein,
I want to cut it
so bad.
then i do…
i guess my body answers for me,
i’m not going to return.

 

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