Tina
Why
Copyright, Tina
in this world i feel alone
but why
i want to die
and all i do is cry.
this live isnt worth living and it plain to see
exactly what it means to me
you just have to look at the scars
that pressure of built up pain
that final explosion…
but then what?
what do we do now?
Crimson Tears
Copyright, Tina
these tears i cry
forever laced with crimson lies
built up for years
like internal bleeding
killing me on the inside
as i cut the wounds deepen
the blood thickens
from first scratch to final push
these crimson tears i cry
when will it be alright to die?
Untitled
Copyright, Tina
My wounds are my place away from all feeling,
they bleed the life that lives my heart
and remind me
I am breathing.
They are my teeth ripping at your flesh.
The knife that stabbed my soul.
the sunshine gone from my smile.
and only can I stand here silent
A statue
with no breath
Stone.
and all alone.
My Broken Wings
Copyright, Tina
i have taken flight high in to the air
to find my wings was broken.
i have bagged and pleaded please stop
for the nightmare to end.
i have tried to cover myself only to feel
the pain cut through me like a knife.
i can feel my broken wings that i once
used to protect me lay hopeless of
never being able to take flight again.
my wings have been broken be yond repair
and my body fall out of control back to the
hell that only i know only so well.
i began to bleed from the bones that was
sticking out of my skin and the pain is beyond
understanding i plead again and again
for the nightmare to stop.
again i try to take flight and again my body
crashes back to the hell only i know very
well and to tell about the pain to anyone
was not aloud i was only to be seen never
heard.
my wings are broken and my body is beyond
repair and the pain has killed my heart and
soul cutting has become my friend and my way
to get though a day and it well some day be
what sets me free to fly again high above the
tree tops free of the broken wings.
Cutting
Copyright, Tina
Today it has all started again I have gone back to my safety net that helps me get through each day.
Cutting is what I do to get through a day it’s my way of cring in silent and no one can hear my pain.
Today when I cut and then the poss and then the bloody tears started to run one by one down my arm felt so good and the releive came with it I had found my life line again. I have to keep it silent and do it in places it can’t be seen.
My arms show my victories that I have won and if you say that to doctors they thank something is very wrong you and put lables on it and then they follow you were ever you go and if people see the cuts they think your crazy our something.
My pain is mine and it lives deep in my soul and it eatting it alive and cutting and other self injuring is my way to ease the pain and quits the soul even if it for a short time.
I have tried meds and they just make me numb it don’t stop my thoughts of wanting to cut and so on.
Today I got another victory and I well win mean more but I have to do it in silent just like the tears I cry there is no other way this well lead me down a road that some day well lead to my freedom to fly free again and well no longer be in pain and I well not have to cry another silent tear that comes from cutting I just pray that God above well forgive and well stell love me.
I had a freind that was very specail to me we had a friendship that is very hard to come by I didn’t have to say a word to her in fact she came to me and asked if I was self-injurying and I told her the truth but this friend moved away to a different state and I was to go with her and her family but it didn’t workout. she was moving because of me to help me get the help I needed but I couldn’t leave and had somethings needed taken care of here and she has been gone about two months and it seem like she has gone forever with her help I was starting to get better I feel like I had a death in my family and it has really been so hard for me deal with.
Understanding the Pain
Copyright, Tina
My life is spinning out of control no one can truly understand the pain that burn deep with in my soul and can’t be see our hurd by anyone.
I don’t like to speke of my pain I just run and hide as fast as I can.
if only I could cut a fow long deep cuts would it go unnotice.
I feel like a time bomb just whating to go off.
it like I am falling apart on the inside but I have to keep it togother so no one can see the real me.
I really needed to cut on myself to see the bloody tears run from within one drip at a time.
I have not and well not make promises
It’s not about hurting anyone or anything.
they can’t truely understand my pain I don’t know if I can be saved from myself.
I need to cut to see my tears well you understand why.
I have come to relized it all I have it’s my life line but it could be the cause of my death.
I needed to cut so bad but if I do well I be understood our locked away for life.
The Need
Copyright, Tina
I have no word to tell how bad I need to cut how bad I need to see the blood fild tears run down my arm in to the sink and then down the drain.
I need to find that relief that fills my soul as the bloody tears fall from my arm.
I need to cut so deep and long that thep ain that eats my soul well all run out.
I need to cut so bad that I can tast the it.
I need to cut it been to long sent I seen the blood filled tears and fell the rlief fill my soul.
I have to cut soon our I fell the pain well eat my soul alive.
When I cut again I each cut well have to be deeper then the last but I have to make sure I can stop the bleeding when the it is time so no one well know I have done it.
I well cut tonight wall all is a sleep and it is dark so on one hears my cring tears
I need to cut it has been to long know.
good night all
Untitled
Copyright, Tina
The pain is to much to fight any longer.
The pain is eatting me alive from the insaide out.
The razor is not doing the job lately it just let me cry in bloody tears.
Tonight I got some bleach to burn to the soul and just maybe it well give relief I need that the razor has been falling short of.
The bleach well burn the soul as it well make it scream out in a way that no one well hear it but me and it well sound like a dieing whale.
I have been asking myself why don’t I just take the razor and cut untell the bloody runs out and I am dead and free from it all for for good.
but some how I control it and I know when it time to stop but some day I well be able to go all the way and once and for all I well be at peace and no more pain.
Just Another Year
Copyright, Tina
it just the start of a new year of pain and anger.
today I am going to start a year of silent and hide my way once again even from the ones that know i well cut in places were no one can see.
I have to cut the pain has become to much it has been to long I can’t take the pain any longer.
I have made planes and know I have to make it happen with total silents.
then the pain we be over and I well be free to fly away for ever.
happy new year 2004.
Peaces
Copyright, Tina
I need help but I can’t tell anyone
I am out of control but yet I am in control.
I can’t give the only way I have to servive the hell I live with in my mind. the past fow weeks I have been on the edge of death.
each time I pick up the razor it seem to be a step closer to being free from the hell that lives in my head and the pain I feel.
I have been told that I should tell my Therapist that I am out of control even though I feel I am in control.
The pain is to much for me but the razor is my only way to get though to a new day.
I love God but I ask how could he love me but I know he is true.
I can’t give up the razor it’s my friend and my scurity it a life line it all I have to help me cry silent tears and it my relief from the pain that eats my soul.
There is no life in me I have only a shall I am all ready dead.
I well be ok I have control even if I fall over the edge it well be a victory for me that means I won the war with my life I just pray that God well understand and well forgive me
Lost In All The Pain
Copyright, Tina
it ealer morning and I am home alone I don’t have to hide to cut.
so I well make this short so I can cry my bloody tears in the open with no fear of getting cought.
I love the Idea of not having that worry on my mind and I can let my tears flow as long as I want and not have to stop them to soon becase of fear of someone walking in on me.
i can even let my bloody tears drip on to the floor and watch each tear drop hit the floor and feel the relief with every drop that I cry out.
the tears drops that no one can hear there silent but so full of pain.
so I need to go let the bloody tears flow and I can cry in silent were no one hears my pain.
Cold Blood
Copyright, Tina
My blood runs cold though my vains there is no life inside.
I take the razor and cut deeper then ever and the blood came brusting out
my tears ran out of control but yet I was in control.
I got a rush that was better then a rush that you get from any drug.
tonight I must do it again I want the rush I got last night.
I want to cut even deeper then the last I want to see the bones that lay deep with in the soul.
then I well bleed more tears then ever before I know that the pain well ease and then comes the relief but the sad thing is it all comes back.
then the bloody well run cold once again but for the time being I well lay back and ride the rush wall it lasts.
Silent Signs
Copyright, Tina
tonight I feel like I could take a razor and cut to the end.
tonight I am fighting hard not to hurt myself because If I started I don’t thank there would be a stoping point.
I lost in a place that I can’t exscape from there is no way out.
I am try to keep the signs silent so no one see what I feel.
I am at the end of my rope and if I let go it so dark you can’t see below.
I have to keep the sign silent no one can know the pain I am in.
the razor well be the end but when only time well tell.
I hear nothing I am becoming deaf and that hard to face.
I have to keep the signs silent to the end if they know my thoughs and seen how i cry bloody tears the would lock me a way for life.
I not crazy I have just lost my way in life with no way to get back.
Frustration
Copyright, Tina
I can’t scream I have no voice to be hurd.
I feel frustrated and it lives so deep
my body is very tied and weak from the up hill fight so steap no man can clime it.
with the Razor I can cut and feel nothing.
the Razor is like a life line that keeps me alive one more day.
if you were to look into my eyes you would see nothing but total darkness no life remains.
There is no help for me I have lost my way like a sail boat with out its sails jist drifting with no drection and padles to get back to sore.
I fight a battle that I my lost some day but it would be a victory and I well be free to fly just like a eagel.
Control
Copyright, Tina
My life is spining out of control like airplan with a broken wings falling out of the sky.
My therapist said I must give up the only things I have control or she can’t help me.
I can’t stop the one thing that can take the pain away it my freedom from my hell that lives in my mind.
tonight I have to do it again I have to cut deep and long so I can cry Bloody tears the only way I can cry.
then I have to rup untell the blood is running out of control but yet I am in control.
then the wan’t me to take drugs it sapost to make things better it don’t I have already been to mean times
The drugs don’t work for me.
but they know it all they have all the answers but they really don’t
I have control and i know when it time to stop and how far i can go with out going over the line.
Lost And Deafend Someday Well Win
Copyright, Tina
There is a fight going inside me that no one knows.
It a struggle that makes me weak but yet strong.
This is a fight I must fight alone and even if I get so small I disapper.
The thing I fight is very powerful and full of rage.
Its a moster that lives within me and tell me how worthless I am.
The pain inside fighting over my soul makes it scream out but no one can hear.
The soul cries out and the tears fall from the heart for it all to stop.
Today is a start even though I fight to starve the moster within.
One day I well starve them so, and they well die and I well WIN.
Untitled
Copyright, Tina
here i sit really hating myself for letting my gard down and i broke a promise and that why i don’t talk and i don’t make promises.
know i must be punished for it so i don’t do it again.
i want to run and hide and si untell there is no return and so i don’t ever do the same again.
i hate the way i feel inside i hate how i am i have lost the words i want to write i have come to the point i need to stop writing this and punish so i can find some relief and so i hopeful won’t do i again.
Silent Cry
Copyright, Tina
Can you hear the cries in the night
Can you hear the bloody tears as the being release one drop at a time.
Can you hear the silent cries in the the night
NO there cries come out in the night but they come in a way you can’t hear.
I am hurting in a way that no one can’t see.
Can you hear the cries that come with each cut our as the bleach burn deep into the soul.
This is my only way of seviving, it a long and very lonely road that I travel
I us self-abuse to hang on.
I have tried to stop but I go back it’s my best friend and it never lets me down.
It the only way to escape the anguish and pain I deal with each day.
You can’t hear the cries they are silent to you
My tears flow in the from that is silent the come out in mean ways that no one well ever see.
my silent cry only they help me servive for know.
My Freedom
Copyright, Tina
It my freedom that no well now.
The freedom comes with a great price but well worth it.
Tonight the pain well be a victory that only I well now.
Tonight I have to be punished in a way that I stop messing up.
The skin is on fire from the bleach that is burning the skin deep into the soul.
I am numb with in but I feel the bleach as it burns so deep
This the only way to make sure I pay the price of making a mastake.
This is my way to freedom
self-abuse is my friend that can’t be take and I can only control it
I know when I need to stop and that happens only when I have been set free and I get relive.
It’s the only time I feel in control that no one can take as long as I keep it a secert and never tell again.
It my freedom from so much and it a it my way to punishment.
Its give me peace of my own thought and freedom from the pain even it only for a short time.
No Name
Copyright, Tina
I am lost in the cuts that caver my arms numb from the pain.
I listen to the harsh tears as they fall one by one.
The tears are full of sadeness and anger.
I fear to tell, the last time all most got myself locked up for life.
I feel no pain the drugs are starting to kick in and my mind is falling to sleep.
so for know I need to stop the tears of blood because am all ready feeling the relieve.
I am lost forever there is no way back from them so for know i love the numb feeling from the drugs.
please forgive me for what help me get thought the day and the only tears I can cry.
How do you tell
Copyright, Tina
last week I had to show my scares and show I wan’t crazy.
I was so sure I was going to be lock up for life.
I was anger I want to take a razor and cut so deep in my soul that they would have put a lot of stiches to stop the Bloody tears form flowing.
they thought I was suicidel because I of my self-injury I wrote two pages of why I cut and other means to release my pain to just get though a day
how do you tell other with out over reaction from them
I know sit with a razor in my hand in fight to not cut tonight but I can’t win.
so once again I lose the fight and the soul begains to cry untell I decide to stop it
I cut deep into my soul one line after another.
it been 10 min and I starting to feel free agin from the anger,and sham
I feel the relief as each tear drop runs down the arm.
I know sit here watching the bloody tears as they drip on to the floor. drip drop and the floor is full of bloody tears.
how to I tell someome the freedom I get from self-injurying.
how do you tell someone there is no way to tell unless you do the same.
Total Lost In The Tear Drops Of Blood
Copyright, Tina
Here I am total lost in the tear drops
of Blood as they run free once again.
One line after another they come with
pleasure and no pain.
Tonight I took control of the things that men took from me.
It’s my way of coping to be lost in the bloody tear drops as they flow.
I am totally numb to the end and then
all I feel is freedom.
No one can hear these bloody tears they’re silent to other ears,
It a Victory for me to see them.
The bloody tears is my way of serving
to get though each day.
The razor and other mean my friend
I know they well be there to the end.
I fear if I was to tell I would be locked away forever.
If I was to tell how could you really
make them understand your pain that eats your soul.
When I get lost in the drops of blood
it give me so much peaces and relief.
Child Lock Inside
Copyright, Tina
The razor is my friend it take the pain and eases the anger deep with in.
I have become a stranger to me I hide behind a mask.
No one can truely understand If they could see the real me they would run.
At night my cry screams out in bloody tears for no one can hear.
I feed from the high I get from the freedom that comes from the blood flow.
I can’t see myself in a mirror it so dark and black.
The blood begain to seep out of my weeping soul drip by drip.
I have been told that the razor is my bitter sin.
The child hasn’t got to grow up and my life has been broken by cold men.
The only way to exscape from the hell I face each day is to quit the soul and let the bloody tears flow.
Nobody Hears My Bloody Tears
Copyright, Tina
No one can hear my bloody tears that
run like a river.
I took the razor and begain to cut line after line pushing hard to make
sure the blade cuts deep.
The blood begains to flow down my arm
can you hear the painful cries NO the
tears are silant.
The bloody tears speaks no words.
Iuse the blade untell I deside to take
my own life.
It’s a slow death that no one can see
but only I can.
The silant bloody tears helps quits the
pain it makes me feel free from the painful images of my life.
So for know I need to quit my soul and
release the bloody tears.
Seeing the bloody tears is like being high on a drug.
The bloody tears is my way to killing
myself in a silant way that No one hears.
Suicide Thoughts
Copyright, Tina
I can’t stop thinking about it
The thought wont leave my mind
Theres been to many sorrows
That I just can’t leave behind
I can’t find a reason
A reason to live for
I’m in so much pain
My heart is sore
Most of the friends
That I thought I had found
Just talk bad about me
When I’m not around
My family isn’t much help
They are never there for me
They will never understand
Or see things the way i see
Almost no one will get
Why I feel the way I feel
I’m going though so much
I just don’t know how to deal
So if you find out tomorrow
I’m no longer here
Don’t be surpirzed
And don’t shead a tear
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