Taleetha

I wrote this when my friends, family and even loved one said I’d become closed in and standoffish to the point it was either making them angry or it was making them sad that I wasn’t letting them in. Thing was they didn’t know how far from the truth it really was. I wanted them here for me and I just didn’t know how to tell them and I didn’t feel I could since being on anti-depressants has shifted a lot in me. You’ll see in the poem I wrote it expresses as such. I’m seventeen now and after three years of cutting I’ve decided to give up. It’s only been a few days since I said I would I just hope it’s for good. The craving and addiction is far beyond anything like smokes or alcohol.

What would you do?

Copyright, Taleetha

What would you do if you were scared to hurt people that you isolated yourself?
What would you do to stop yourself from bringing harm to yourself or others?
What would you do If I walked away right now and you never knew why?
What can you do when your own worst fear is yourself…

When you’re your own worst enemy who do you tell?
Who do you tell without fear of having them reject you because their scared they’ll get hurt?
Sometimes you wake up and you feel so alone because you can’t bring yourself to face others at the fear of hurting them with your words?
So you do it… You isolate yourself just so you won’t hurt them and you won’t get hurt watching them walk away

So when they ask questions you’re so distant that you can’t answer but then they don’t want to be with you
Why? Because you built your wall and you’re scared to have it fall, scared to let the facade end
I’m scared I’ll hurt someone, someone who means everything
My friends, my family, my loved one
I’m scared I’ll say one thing, do one thing, not say something and they go…
Truth is I’m scared that I’ve changed that they don’t understand me, I’m scared that
I’ll say something to them and they’ll leave because it hurts so much that it was their last straw…

When you’re your own worst enemy who do you tell?
Who do you tell without fear of having them reject you because they’re scared they’ll get hurt?
Sometimes you wake up and you feel so alone because you can’t bring yourself to face others at the fear of hurting them with your words?
So you do it… You isolate yourself just so you won’t hurt them and you won’t get hurt watching them walk away…

I never wanna hurt my friends… They mean so much
I don’t wanna hurt my loved one… She’s the world to me
I don’t wanna hurt my family though so much hurt has come from them
I’ve hurt enough, I don’t want to hurt no more… Hurt is the worst next to heartache…
I can’t stand the look, the voice, the shortness when people want to help but I’ve blocked them out… So they can’t…
I hate the fact they’re trying so hard to understand but I won’t let them and I’m still a puzzle to myself as well as them…
Why can’t I just tell them? Why can’t I just explain how I feel? Why do I keep this wall up between me and my best friend? Between everyone…

When you’re your own worst enemy who do you tell?
Who do you tell without fear of having them reject you because they’re scared they’ll get hurt?
Sometimes you wake up and you feel so alone because you can’t bring yourself to face others at the fear of hurting them with your words?
So you do it… You isolate yourself just so you won’t hurt them and you won’t get hurt watching them walk away…

So I sit here… Scared that I am my own worst enemy closing in on myself…
But one day they’ll see… One day everyone will know… Then I hope that it’s not too late…
That one person stayed… that just one would stick it with me… No matter how much I isolate, block, fight, confuse and abandon myself…
Just one to say they want me here still… Just one…
It takes but one voice to ask for help and but one to say I’m here back…
Please be my voice…

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