Psyke.org

Sydney

Cuts

Copyright, Sydney

why do you blame me
when you cant even see
what my life done to me
i just want to be free…
when i had the knife
all i though was i hate my life
but when it can to my skin
i just thought that i would win…
but when i saw that they were scars
i just wanted to have the stars
if you know that i lie
its just that i want to die…
when i cut it helps me
and all you wanna do is see
but i wont let you
cuz you’ll want to do it too…

Untitled

Copyright, Sydney

I watched in helplessness with nothing left to say.
Everything has changed since you went away.
I couldn’t stop you from walking away from me.
You wanted me to become something I just couldn’t be.
You would always lie just to save yourself the shame.
Denying the truth, you wouldn’t even speak my name.
You saw me standing there but you pretended I wasn’t around.
Though it was killing me inside I followed you without a sound.
I never tried to tell you that you were hurting me every day.
I bought into your game just to make you stay.
I guess you don’t know the pain you put me through.
When I look back, it all leads back to you.
Was it really worth the sacrifice, letting myself get burned?
In the end the pain didn’t add up to what I learned.
So can somebody please tell me, what was I fighting for?
I thought I was happy but there could have been much more.
I killed my own soul when I just wanted to stay alive.
I defeated myself with my own determination to strive.
I tried to keep it together but things gradually fell apart.
I had a feeling things would end up this way from the start.

Answer

Copyright, Sydney

How did I become this way?
I know the answer.
The pain and lonliness infected me like a cancer.
It’s a tragic case of giving up.
A tragic case of feeling forgotten, unloved.
I let go of everything including myself.
I push away everyone who tries to help.
I don’t do it because I don’t hear you.
I pull away because I fear you.
I’m running in fear; don’t you see?
Can’t you see the mistrust haunting me?
What if you hurt me like the rest?
All these doubts and what-if’s are hard to digest.
Please just give me space to breathe.
Only I can help me.

Never Know

Copyright, Sydney

You will never know how I really feel.
I smile numbly but this smile isn’t real.
There’s more inside than you will ever see.
There’s a better person hidden inside me.
You’d probably like that person better but it can’t be put to the test.
If my better half is corrupted I’ll have nothing left.
I hide behind the image I’ve created for myself.
My better half is hidden on a dusty shelf.
So take me as I am and accept the person I’ve become.
Everyone has a better side; I’m not the only one.

Cut

Copyright, Sydney

The blood runs down my wrist like rivers of shame.
I weep in the darkness indulging in the pain.
I feel the burning sensation that the razor left behind.
I’d rather feel the pain through my wrist than through my heart and mind.
I only scream inside my head; my lips make not a sound.
My tears fall silently on the cold, hard ground.
Everyone knows about these cuts, they’re not that hard to see.
I know as soon as I’m away, they’ll all whisper about me.
They point and stare.
I don’t really care.
I won’t take time to cry.
The next time I’ll just cut deeper and maybe then I’ll die.

Trapped

Copyright, Sydney

Every time I think I’m farther, I’m one more step behind.
Every time I think I’m closer to the answer, it gets harder to find.
I can’t succeed and I can’t win.
I’m trapped in my own world within.
I can’t escape, there is no door.
Every time I try, I’m harder than before.
I’m running in circles getting nowhere.
No one notices and if they do, they don’t care.

Secret

Copyright, Sydney

The blade is tempting in the soft, dim light.
I want to use it but I know it’s not right.
It calls to me, screams my name.
“Just one cut,” it says, “will ease the pain.”
I slice it sideways just one time.
I see the blood begin to rise.
I want to do it again but then everyone will see.
This is a secret between the blade and me.
No one can see it and no one can know.
I wear a fake smile so the pain will not show.
I don’t want to die,
I just want to be free.
I’m freed by this secret between the blade and me.

 

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