Psyke.org

Stephanie

This One is Mine

Copyright, Stephanie

The faster i Cut
The longer it bleeds
the less paini feel
the more hurt i heed
it may be my choice
but its forever mine
there was nothing you could do
this cut’s mine

So Many Years

Copyright, Stephanie

How is it that after so many years
of therapy and counseling and the
dredging up of old pain and memories that
all it takes is my tongue caught gently between my teeth
and my skin starts itching as if it s too tight and
I feel like my wrists are floating away
and it s only a matter of time before
I m holding my stainless-steel redemption—
graphing new lines of pain on my tattered shell
until I bleed myself alive again.

Why is it that I swear, each time,
knowing that the fall is unavoidable
and that the rank taste of disappointment
will soon coat my lips
as the scream rots in the back of my throat,
crawls down my arm into my hand
sliding through the blade and into my skin—
finally finding peace in the crimson trenches left behind.

Shifting Walls

Copyright, Stephanie

sitting alone in a room
filled with people
who, i guess, are seeking what I also
hope to find.
It’s wearing a face very similar to where
I will be next year,
and it makes me wonder—
is this what I was hoping for?
moving out and on
to a new stage
same drama
mock-adults hiding behind
books and self-indulgance
pushing reality further back,
saving change for tomorrow’s cigarettes.
is this my salvation?
my change of pace—
destiny written
on the acceptence letter.
congradulations!
now what?
funny how I never thought of now
but always
when I arrive
when I’m thinner
when I get the job
when I quit the habit
tomorrow, or maybe later…

it’s just that
i’ve always assumed that
i woulnd’t make it
sabatoge myself with lazyness or the razor—
kill my chance at happiness only
to build them back up again.
my cycle
written on my arms for the world to see.
have i finally left it behind,
or do i cary it still—
hidden in those dark places that
seem so huge at night?
the shifting walls
of my skull:

my success
my demise
my potential
my lies.

No Title

Copyright, Stephanie

Your all i have in this world
Your the only freind i have
Your the only one that understands
Your the only one with the key to my survival
Your my gift of survival
Your the only one that cares for me
Your the only one that knows the pain i feel
Your the only one that can make it all go away
Your the only one that can finally end it all
Im sorry i dont have the curage to let you save me
I don want to live
But i fear leaving
I fear if i leave no one will care
But most of all i fear you
Maybe your their to much for me
Your what makes me so different
Your what makes everyone think im weird
Your the reason i hide my arms
If your so awful why do i need you so bad
Why do i come running to you in my time of need?

No Title

Copyright, Stephanie

You enchant me…
With your way to make all the pain go away…
I carry you upon my arms.
The marks of…
My pain…
My weakness…
My fear…
You bring such relife to my pain…
You bring uch embaresment as well…
You make me better and worse at the same time…
You make it all go away…
You bring more worries with you though…
I carry so many of you upon my arm…
You tell the pain of my life the despair i suffer each passing day…
You are the only way out of this place…
You are the only way to destroy the pain
And hopefully you are the only way to finally end…
My pain forever…
and never look…
back

Cuts

Copyright, Stephanie

Cuts on my arm and bruises in my head.
And I always seem to cry everynight in my bed
About problems I have and things i’m going through.
And you’re upset because you don’t know what to do.
What can you do? What is there to say?
No matter what you do, my problems will never go away.
They’ll be there always, a haunting memory
Till the day I die, then i’ll be free
Of all the guilt and pain that i was going through
And there’s nothing now that you can do
So I cut on my wrists in hopes I would die
Because I no longer want to live with the pain and the lies
All of my pain is gone with the cuts i have made
And now all I feel is the pain from this blade
It feels so much better than the emotional pain
I’m just another one of those kids, whom everyone else assumes is insane.

 

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