Rachel
Have you ever
Copyright Rachel
Have you ever felt like there’s no reason for you to live
That if you died today it wouldn’t matter to you or anyone
Have you ever spent the whole day
Pretending to be happy
To cover up your sadness and pain you hide
Have you ever had only one thought on your mind
And that was how deep tonight,
How much will it bleed
I wonder
Can I make it hurt more
Then realize no
Because I’m so numb to the feeling now
Have you ever known
You cared and loved the ones close to you
But questioned if you meant anything to them
Have you ever hoped that when you woke up
Wished you never had
Have you ever been in a trance
Where you knew what was going on around you
But felt like you re separated and in another world.
Have you ever not been able to cry
No matter how much you wanted to
Have you ever felt like you had to be strong
And never show your feelings
Because you re worried about what people would think,
Because they no you as the strong one.
Ever had that feeling in you stomach
Like you could throw up
Because you re so
Sad,
Scared,
Mad,
Depressed,
Confused,
Suicidal,
Fed-up,
Crazy
All at the same time
Have you ever cut yourself to see if you still bleed
Then watch your wrist bleed forever
And hope this time it doesn’t stop
Have you ever cried inside
But had to laugh on the outside
Have you ever held your breathe
To see if you could fall asleep for good
Have you ever not eaten for weeks
And if you did, throw it up
Because you re so disappointed with the way you are
Have you ever taken a half bottle of pills in an hour
And got so sick you thought you would die from that
Instead of overdosing
Have you ever had the only time you feel really happy
Be when u had a knife in your hand.
Have you ever been to the point
Where you thought
NOTHING
Would ever be good again
Have you actually had nothing be good again
Have you ever been blamed for everything
Just because you re an easy person to take it out on
Or because you make yourself believe it’s your fault
Have you ever kept making the same mistake
Over and over again
Just because you wanted it to be right
Have you?
I have… every day
Control
Copyright Rachel
I’ve lost control
The control I thought I had
It used to be there when I wanted it
But now I can’t let it go
I need it
That’s what I’ve made myself believe
It’s an addiction
One I can’t end
It’s over powered me
It controls my life
I just want it all to be over
I’ve come so far
Only to have relapsed
Again
All I want is for the pain to end
Why won’t it end
I fear myself
I fear what I could do
I’m scared to die
More afraid to live
Just make it all end
For good
Beautiful Suicide
Copyright Rachel
Empty bottle of booze lying on the floor,
My body’s numb,
Tears inside refusing to fall,
Crimson rivers streaming down my arm
Into a pool of pain and sorrow
It’s hard to see how it’s gotten this far
I’m broken and can’t be fixed,
The room’s a blur
I’m fading now
To numb to move
Life’s draining
Slowly, slowly
My beautiful suicide
Untitled
Copyright Rachel
It’s a hurt good feeling
A sign of accomplishment punishment and control
You ask me why,
I can’t answer
Because I don’t know the answer myself
You think I’m crazy
Do u think I care?
You tell me don’t do it,
That doesn’t help.
You can’t tell me what to do, think, or say,
I won’t listen!
It scares u I know
This is a battle I have to face on my own
A war to fight,
An army of one vs. an army of many
But I know I’ll eventually win
Because I’m strong
I have to be otherwise
I’ve been lying to everyone
No one should see the real side
They would be blown away
They see me as what I show them
And it is really only what I want to be
Not what I am
I have much more to say
But it can’t be put to words u have to look in my eyes
And further yet
Then maybe you’ll hear it my soul crying
The only part of me that does
Listen carefully
Hear my pain
Feel it
Breathe it
See it
Live it for a day
And eventually listen to it
It’ll speak to you
Tell you things u don’t want to hear
But know u should
It’s a hurt good feeling a sign of despair
Drip
Copyright Rachel
the blood trickles down
blinding to our eyes
it captivates our essence
leaving us staring for eternity
slowly as we watch
the blood slips
like a flowing river
the majoirty continues
part of the river
drips down to earth
where it will dwell
till it shrivels up and dies
the drip cut off from the rest
leaving nowhere to go
alone is now the destiny
forever shall it remain
Untitled
Copyright Rachel
Does anyone know what it’s like
To sit alone in the dead of night?
Wondering when you’re going to die
Staring into darkness, letting out a sigh
Asking yourself why it had to be this way
Yet knowing all along there is nothing to say
Supressing your screams
From your horror filled dreams
Wanting so desperatly just to feel
Enough to do anything to make it real
To hurt yourself ever so painfully
Leaving a scar for the world to see
To see the blood flow down your arm
To see people turn away in alarm
Does anyone know what it’s like
When insanity consumes you in the dead of night?
Tell No One
Copyright, Rachel
It hurt so much,
I had to give up.
The power was too great,
I could not compare.
It wasn’t a stranger,
But a well known person.
Not only once but three times,
With three different people.
They overpowered in 5th, 7th, and 9th grade.
I’ll never tell a soul.
I’ll never tell a soul.
I never said stop,
I was taught its okay.
But it’s scarred me for life,
And it’ll never heal.
The memory haunts me,
Runs through my mind.
Why won’t it leave?
Why won’t it leave?
I scream and play loud music and it leaves for a bit,
But always comes back in my dreams.
Life’s full of shit, I trust no one.
True Feelings
Copyright, Rachel
It’s the scars that no one sees, the wounds that never heal, the pain no one knows about, that’s what hurts the most.
It’s the torture you live through every day, the sickening wish for it all to end, death, that’s the scariest thing.
It’s the only thing you wish for, only thing you fear, and wish you never thought about, that’s what you dream of.
It’s the escape from the torment, the safety net you hope to fall into, the one thing that hurts the most, but only thing you run to.
Understand
Copyright, Rachel
I’m going crazy
I’m losing my mind
I’m screaming and crying
I’m dying inside
No one understands
I’m all alone
They don’t understand the pain I’m in
Everyday
And all day long
Everyday I feel the pain
Stabbing me like a knife
Until I take a razor blade
And try to take my life
As I feel the razor slip through my wrist
And watch the blood pour out
I slip into a peacefull slumber
And I have to wonder
Will they understand me now
Help Me
Copyright, Rachel
Why do I feel this way
Why can’t the scars on my body be enough
Why is my heart filled with pain
I know I should just be tough
But the black hole is about to suck me under
And take my life
Why do I want to cut again
I guess its something I’ll never understand
Oh I want to cut
Just to get some relief
But I musn’t tell anyone
Because it would only cause them grief
What can I do
Where do I turn
All I want is to be free
Will somebody help me
Please help me
Screaming for Help
Copyright, Rachel
Screaming
Dying
In this sea of pain
I’m cut
And bleeding
From trying to find an escape
I’m running blindly
Madly
Going in cicles in a pitch black room
It feels like I’ve been encased
In a big ugly tomb
My fingernails are cracked and bleeding
From trying to get out
I would yell for help
But I’m too weak to shout
Everyday is all the same
I wonder how much more of this I can take
I’m so tired from running into walls
And tripping over things
I’ll never get out of this place
At least thats the way it seems
I’m lost and confused
My energy is wasted and used up
I’m hurt and bleeding
I’m lying here on the ground
My mind is screaming
But I can’t make a sound
And so is my life
And the life of many others
Do you feel confused and hurt
Have you been missused and abused
Do you feel trapped by a past that won’t let you out
Is your mind screaming
but you can’t make a sound
Well I understand because I’ve been there too
And I know someone who loves you
And who cares about what your going through
He will never leave you alone and confused
And when your mind crys for help
He’ll be there to rescue you
He will free you from a past
That seems to have you trapped
He will heal your cutts and scars
Inside and out
Forgetting
Copyright, Rachel
A new cut
The blood runs free
I hate my life
I hate me
I’m wanting a life thats full of peace
But the demons of my past
Still rise up to haunt me
My mind is exploding
And I’m struggling to breath
I want to forget
What has happened to me
Then with the slice of a blade
My blood runs free
Then I’m able to forget
As I sink into this warm red sea
Scars
Copyright, Rachel
Through cutts and scars you hide your pain
Its as though God doesn’t care in any way
So in the darkness you may hide
A secret thats kept deep inside
As the razor slips through your skin
You feel you have to go back and do it again
And as the blood seeps out of open wounds
You think no one knows no one but you
You wish someone would help you out
But it seems no one cares
So you hide away through pain, scars, cutts, and tears
Untitled
Copyright, Rachel
fucking razor blade in my pocket
bleeding through
seeking through
my pj pants
beautiful red on cotton white
but you dont notice
you just smile absentmindedly and pat me on the head
why am i going this way again
when did i turn around and head back down this path?
and who’s going to stop me now?
Untitled
Copyright, Rachel
Everyone keeps asking me
“Why, when, and how?”
But those are questions
I can’t answer
At least just not right now
All the feeling stuffed inside me
Need to be let out
Nothing else can really help
Not in hitting, tears, or shout
Those who have not been through this
Need to shut their mouths and leave
It’s not like they’re actually listening
They’ll go with whatever they believe
So those of you who want to help
Just stand back
You’ll only make it worse
And don’t you dare go try and blame me
For this lovely curse
I Hate Myself
Copyright, Rachel
I hate myself
and nobody sees
that I don’t
want to be
disgusting to myself
and everyone around
my head is spinning
I’ve lost control
I’m gonna hit the ground
if only I could run away
but not even that
could save my day
I need to get away
but my life is up on a shelf
so instead
I hurt myself
bottled up anger
yearning to get out
open doors
in my skin
living with constant doubt
I can;t handle this confusion
I’m sucked into a fusion
I’m all alone
I need a home
Help.
Untitled
Copyright, Rachel
I have used you before
I have seen you before
You ingraved my skin with cuts
I hated you for this
but then…
I realized that it made me take my anger out
But i didn’t want to continue
Because i might have got found out
An i didn’t want that to happen
You were crul to me but then i thought i like doing this because i find pease and i feel better after and i don’t feel alone
You were there for em and you were there after
You always will be
You will never go till i don’t need you
This isn’t a really good poem but if you want to talk to me, e-mail me or add me to MSN. I will talk to you.
Angels
Copyright, Rachel
They are supposed to look after you
But they may not do.
In my case they haven’t
My Truth
Copyright, Rachel
You ask me to stop so that is what tried to do
But this is a disease more contageous than the flu
From everyone I hide it b/c I am too ashamed to tell
Afraid of what might happen if I was to let the beans spill
I am not in any danger of committing suicide
I f I promised you that I would stop, I did it to appease you, and I lied
I do not live from day to day I survive
I let all the words just slip on by, the fact that they hurt me I try to hide
I am not very good at it for my wrists and legs cry crimson red
This is my way of existing, I do not wish I was dead
If I were dead I would look on the outside like I feel on the in
But if I commit suicide then I let you win
Every day is a battle beyond your visualization
And the fact that you hate me is my motivation
For you or anyone I would be glad to take all you pain
I know for everything I am to blame
Please try to give it all to me
I do not want you to have to cut just to feel free
I do not want to feel the way I do inside
So the shit that you say that hurts me I hide
For my whole life w/ everyone I have been the object to ridicule
To my feeling I am the fool
The bullshit thing that I hear from day to day, I don’t buy
So every day I must ask myself do I have it in me to give it another try
This is my sick pleasure
And the said, the hurt of them can’t be measured
I am not a god damn mental case
So some excuse to put me in a psyke center you will have to make
I have no more saline tears left to cry
So to you now, I must say good-bye -
Not in person but in spirit
This is emotional not physical, you can’t hear it
I love everyone till death does me part
But for some reason I feel distant in the heart
The way I used to care for everyone, now they have gone far beyond
Since the sixth grade a grasp on my life is what I have longed
My torture is prolonged as I go on from day to day
I love the way I am controlled by my feelings; I do what they say
So I cut to relieve
This helps is what I believe
After you begin you can’t tarry
Your secret with long sleeves and pants you will have to bury
You can not show them to the world for they will not understand
I hope you know that this was not planned
So as I make my last cut
I do not want to hear any if, ands, or buts
You should’ve cared sooner, before it was too late and I made the decision to do this
I am leaving this world and entering a state of bliss
I gather my courage and my thoughts
As I hold the knife that I have bought
I watch my skin tear apart
There is no turning back now; you won’t remember me in your heart
Deeper and deeper as I push it all the way in
Some how i knew this was a fight I was not going to win
As i do this i show no remorse-
Now, I’m in hell looking up at my corpse
It
Copyright, Rachel
As I see myself today so alone
I see my future depressed
My life is a lonely & depressed one
All the time I wish it would end
My twists of truth came back to me with all the feelings of depression
My life is but a shallow grave
> From which the world watches without feeling or care
Emptiness fills my heart
No friends to comfort me in a time of need
Just family that betrays
Afraid of what the future might hold
Fearing that my future is so grim
Envy to the ones I cherish
While thinking what could’ve been?
My thoughts of this realm perish
As the other side comes in
For each day drags along
With pain and agony
My spirit feels it all
Everything means nothing now
Not a person not a thing
My heart has grown cold
My guard is up
I shall not open up to this world again
For I can bear no more torture
I wear a cloak of false emotions
Only to disguise my true feelings
I will always be depressed and alone
It’s my curse for all eternity
Loneliness & Depression are my existence beyond life & death
Emotions
Copyright, Rachel
Put in the wrong place
Where do I go?
I don’t seem to belong here
Where should I go?
Some live happy, some live sad
I’m I doomed to always be mad?
Mad at you
The world needs to wake up and get a clue
Mad at myself
Mad at the parents I never had or knew
The world can be so cruel
But why does it choose the pat of harm?
A slight hit to the heart, can be more painful than death itself
Life more painful than death
I could use some help
No one cares
But why?
No one ever will
Am I really this obvious to people
Or do I just have pain to kill?
Every one, every thing getting on my nerves
Honestly do I seem a little perturbed?
All the pain built up inside
I wish I could tell, it becomes overwhelming
If I open up will all that pain come alive?
I have too many problems to be figured out?
If you look inside you-self you will see that you have plenty of doubts
The world destroyed by the people put on it
All those possessions you have you shouldn’t flaunt them
When you figure out a place to hide
And too many rules to abide
To scared to come out
Those words really hurt; they make my inner-self have more doubt
More doubt about you
Because you think you have figured me out, but you haven’t got a clue
Too many tears have been cried
Too many lies have been lied
So mean, so cruel
Emotions rule
In so much pain
With no one to turn to, it’s got to end before I go insane
You don’t know just how much those words hurt me
For you don’t open your eyes and heart to see
And no one will ever know
For my true self I don’t know, and if I did you are too mean for me to let it show
Death by Lies
Copyright, Rachel
Doomed to live this way day after day.
Why can’t this pain go away?
Your still with him, I’m still alone
Walking around this earth like a fucking drone
Your words rip apart my soul… my life
The same way my skin splits between the knife
Don’t feel bad for me, Don’t ever care
Because when I end myself I dont want you to scream that this shit isnt fair
You made my life this way with your greed, your corruption
Fueling this fire to aid my erruption
I will act normal and not show you its coming
This time I will lure you into my TRAP
You will think it’s all normal until I SNAP
Helpless you will be, then you can see what you have CREATED
A demon from hell with desire to be HATED
As he destoys you, two words he will chant…
Never Again
Dwelling
Copyright, Rachel
I seem to use something different each and every time..
With that in your head I bet you don’t mind
You don’t see me standing oh so nice and tall,
You don’t even hear me yelling or hear me at all..
You just stand there… to you I’m not there..
My life became difficult and I was unable to bear
I took a different thing then I usually use..
The little emotions I have left are severly bruised…
I take a different knife that I use to cut with,
The tears splash down on the work of art.. I make even more slits..
The more tears.. the more I have to do what I am telling
The impact.. the hurt.. the pain… the dwelling..
I can’t go through this life for one more.. minute.. hour .. day .. week .. or year..
I’m bleeding to my death.. and down my cheek falls my last tear..
To the World
Copyright, Rachel
a single cut,
turns into more.
With the knife,
It turns to four.
The blood now,
rushing out of my skin.
it’s hard to see,
the pain within.
If only you have known,
me before this,
someone may have stopped me,
from making the slits.
the deeper and the hard i push,
the more the blood,
begins to gush.
People fucked up,
is the way i see,
to the world…
you wont be needing me.
From the Floor I Looked Up
Copyright, Rachel
One day when I was home all alone,
I got a chill sent through my bones.
Thats when I started down the stairs,
Thinking about how noone cares.
From the floor I looked up,
Then from there to my wrist where I did cut.
This is the way I decided to go,
The floor that I looked up from was now below.
I stood on a chair to get myself tied,
From my eyes were the tears that I cried.
Through my head were the thoughts of if I would,
I stepped off the pedestal where I stood.
My dad came home looking for me,
In came the calls of sympathy.
I had to do what was done,
And what was done was that I was hung.
That was not anyones decision but mine,
My shitty life was my sign.
To take my life only for the good,
Hang myself if only I could.
Midnight Blood
Copyright, Rachel
She sat as she heard the chain of cries,
All withholding screams of death,
and quiet safe and solumn otherwise,
closer to age with every breath,
She sat in silence filled with hate.
Waiting and waiting and waiting for fate,
sold as smiles,
her tears formed piles,
cold and lonely she awaits the fever pitch,
thoughts of the crude blood bitch,
on which,
satan grows his blood tree,
She hopes for death or forever free,
More and more blood to make the perfect mess,
white tie and nails.
She entails,
it ends,
all for nothing all for amends.
Courage
Copyright, Rachel
Sticks and stones
may break your bones but
words
will put a knife to your wrist and
courage
pulls you from the abyss and
you move
on up your arm cause
you don’t wanna die
not really
you just wanna
feel
something other than
helpless and
angry and
hurt and
its a
comfort
to see your scars (battle wounds)
survival of a day much too long
(too deep maybe)
Release
Copyright, Rachel
The little things
pangs
pains
that turn huge
like little streams
that feed rivers
into the ocean
salty like tears
and blood
obsession
that becomes
need (want)
to release
afterglow
with something to show
for my pain
inside to let it out
flow (pinpricks)
lines (streams)
and screams
a comfort
Disappointments
Copyright, Rachel
There are pieces of my puzzle you’ve yet to find the place.
From the red and line-sick scars to the sad smile on my face.
I’ve been racing, running, flying to the height of age and life.
Fighting the lace and ribbons tied to the safety of my knife.
There’s got to be a reason- a way to be alive.
There’s got to be a person to coax me to survive.
But here I stand so lonely, arms wrapped across my chest.
And here I stand just waiting for you to join the rest.
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