Psyke.org

Lisa Carias

A Note To Readers: This is unusal for me, I don’t usually submit poems anywhere. I write poetry, and people rarely see any of my works, ever. I’m afraid what people might think, but I feel comfortable puttng one of my poems up here, because this site deals with some deep issues that hit close to home, and my poems hit close to home for me.

I have been dealing with Self-Injury issues for nearly the last two years, injuring myself with various items including my Grandmother’s Diabetes syringe needles, razors, knives, etc.

At the end of December of 2003, I had started to cut myself, and at that point, I knew I needed help. I told my psychologist (whom I had been seeing for my increasingly severe depression), who then suggested I go to the adolescent psychiatric unit of the local hospital, and I agreed to it. I received treatment for a week, and things seemed better, but after a while of being out of the hospital and issues with my family, things started to go back downhill. This poem was written when my depression started to hit again.

I hope you all enjoy… if you have any comments, feel free to contact me at alluneedislove1717@yahoo.com.

Tearing Me Down

Copyright, Lisa C

I’ve cried a million times over
If not more
I want to stop these awful sounds
You make, that I hear in my head

All this pain and angst you release
I hear it and I feel it
You release it into me like your dying dreams
Your anger towards one another
Doesn’t help, doesn’t heal
You always have to fight
And yet it seems that it’s always out of spite

Sometimes I wonder If you realize what’s going on inside me
You say you do
Yet you do the same things that you hold contempt to

I cry myself to sleep at night
Because I see how unhappy you are
What hurts the most
Is that I feel like I’ve been hurt the worst

I cut myself and I bleed
Because I’m tired of waking up numb
I have the same pain as you
I have the same feelings you do
Yet you disregard
And throw it aside

I’m tired of the inconsistency
Of the way you treat me
I’m seventeen, not four, not thirty-three
Why can’t you accept me for me?

You’ve seen the red dye that flows down my arms
The dye that stains my clothes
And cloud my fears
I know you care
Yet you act unaware

I would promise I would get better
If I knew you’d help me get there
“Be real, be tough; treat life as life, not as a board game.
Life has its wins and losses; but there are consequences.
It’s not something you can do over.”

If I said these words now
Would you hear me speak?
Would you see me weep?
Would you feel my emotion?
Would I even be there?

I’ve fallen apart right before you eyes
You claimed you would change
And I tried to do my part
But why is trying worth trying
When you won’t give your heart?

As for mine
There’s only so much that my own can stand
Some how, some way
I hope you will understand
But I need your help
Before I tumble away endlessly
And crumple until there is nothing left
I need your help
Please save me
I feel like I have no hope left

 

Permanent location: http://www.psyke.org/poetry/l/lisa_carias