Lelu
Copyright, Lelu
Distant
I smile so you cannot see the pain,
But can you see the blood run down the drain?
You’re so distant; I can barely feel your heart beat.
I cant even hear the steps of your own feet.
What’s wrong with me?
Am I the only one that can see?
That everyone is so distant
So distant from me.
I try to express my sadness,
And you just push it away.
I try to cry out the pain,
But you ignore me day by day.
Distant.
You’re so distant, I can barely see you smile,
Distant, you’re farther away than a mile,
I don’t understand.
I thought you were my friend?
But how can you be?
When your so distant and away from me?
Knock it Off
Relax the tension, breath in through your chest,
Close your eyes, and forget about all the mess,
Everything’s okay, nothing to worry about,
Everything’s great, so just stand up and shout.
Knock it off, knock it off,
Don’t forget to breathe, don’t you dare cough,
I don’t give about it,
I don’t give about it.
Bring me to your life,
Take me away from this strife.
Feel the tension through your pulsating veins,
Forget about everything the world contains.
You know what? There is no happiness,
It’s all a huge mess.
There is no such thing as true love,
So get in line and give it a shove.
Bring me to your life,
Take me away from this strife.
Feel the tension through your pulsating veins,
Forget about everything the world contains.
Inability to function on the same plane of existence,
I know the sentimental attachment is so intense.
Cast away to the dark side of the moon,
Life is never going to bloom.
Knock it off.
Knock it off.
Knock it off.
Knock it off.
Can You Even Hear Me?
Can any one hear me?
Does anyone even listen.
Can you even see?
The pain within me.
Or do I not even want you to worry?
About the suffering I am condemned with?
Maybe I don’t want you to go into a fit of furry,
Or I just don’t want your eyes to be blurry.
Can you even hear me?
Does anyone even listen.
Can you even see me?
Can you even see that I am not happy?
I just do not know what to do anymore,
I just don’t know what to say.
I don’t want to bother you anymore,
I don’t know what I’m meant for.
I shut everyone out,
Pretend its all okay.
I don’t want to pout,
I don’t know what life is about.
Anymore.
Anymore.
Anymore.
Anymore.
Can you even hear me?
Does anyone even listen.
Can you even see me?
Can you even see that I am not happy?
You see me when I push away.
You hear me when I scream.
But do you ever see me any other day?
When I am not sad or just having nothing to say?
Do you see me when I try to see you,
Or do you just not bother to notice.
Until I cry out to you,
Just so I can talk to you.
You only bother to listen for that time,
You only bother to listen to ‘be there’
But do you really think it will make everything fine?
Make your life and mine?
Would you call it ‘whining?’
If I told you that I wanted to kill myself.
If I told you I was dying,
That I was talking to you crying.
Only for that time.
You would see.
Only then would your ears be mine.
Only then, would you try to find?
A way to see.
A way to hear.
A way to be.
To able to actually see me.
Ignore is Bliss
Every time you walk away,
I stop trying to catch up.
I’m tired of falling behind,
And so I’ve walked a new way.
You say I walk away from you,
Well you are just blind.
I’m tired of catching up,
So I’m leaving you behind.
New friends, new ends,
Tied up into knots.
Am I mad at you?
No I am not.
But every time you walk away,
I’ve given up trying to catch up.
Some others accept me,
They wait for me if I fall behind.
So just forget about me, its what you do best,
Just keep walking right up to the rest.
Don’t worry, I won’t catch up,
I give up to easily.
i dont mind being left behind,
but i am tired of trying to find where you went,
where you decided to go, im tired out of my mind,
of being ignored.
Dead in Difference
Look around the world and feel all that you see
(All that you see)
Jesus Christ has done a good job,
How we can relate.
We’re all suffering cause of his fate.
You gotta believe in what’s real
See what you think is there.
Next morning you’ll be dead in a bathtub
The water the color of your insides.
Look around the world and feel all that you see
Is this really how you want it to be?
So they don’t like it.
***** them.
Jesus Christ has done a good job.
How we can relate.
We’re all suffering cause of his fate.
Take a step and take another.
You gotta believe in what’s real.
See what you think is there.
In the afternoon you’ll be hanging from the ceiling.
Your eyes blood shot and ugly.
*****en feet dangling like a doll’s.
Driven through madness. Driven through madness.
Is this what you want?
Where’s the good feeling?
All you need is some healing.
Look around the world and feel all that you see
(All that you see)
Jesus Christ has done a good job,
How we can relate.
We’re all suffering cause of his fate.
You gotta believe in what’s real
See what you think is there.
Towards midnight you’ll be on your floor,
Dead like the wood on your door.
Your face set,
Severed and sad
Angered and mad
All that you had,
It’s not so bad
Its all hollow feeling isn’t it?
Look around the world and feel all that you see
(All that you see)
Jesus Christ has done a good job,
How we can relate.
We’re all suffering cause of his fate.
You gotta believe in what’s real
See what you think is there.
Do It
Right now I wanted to so bad… So bad that my leg wouldn’t stop tremoring, but I decided to try and write a poem instead…
its numbing my soul.
the pain that’s carrying on.
i do it just to feel the sensation.
even though i know its wrong.
i do it for the rush,
the rush that feels so good.
it’s creating dismay,
i wonder why i should,
bother to quit,
bother to cry,
bother to want,
bother to die.
i do it for the love, the feeling i adorn.
the tragic episodes that rush away,
away from the soul and my flesh
fear by my side, my minds astray.
separated from my past,
the memories i hold so yerningly
not wanting to let go of the family,
washing away, burningly.
i do it for the rush.
the running to my reality.
do you think i can make it?
as fast as my own mortality?
so empty inside,
the pinge not leaving.
vibrating against my chest,
my life unbelieving.
do let me do it.
do let me feel the rush.
dont let me let go of the pain.
the pain… the lush…
do let me do it.
Untitled
Rapid pulsations upon my heart
Pulsing my blood from part to part
Popping pills to ease my pain,
Turning my body into something insane.
Twisting scars up my arms,
Wishing life had no harms.
A Brigadoon to go to,
With memories to hold on to.
Thrashing throbs down my spine,
Tearing my soul down the line.
Shreds of my self-infliction,
Clinging on my own addiction.
Behavioral attitudes to distort,
Opening confessions for resort,
To ease my pain. (no more pain)
To ease my pain. (not in vein)
Nowhere to hold on to.
To my deceit, I beseech you.
Once I hold on I’ll never let go,
Blood pouring into the snow.
Chorus
Rapid pulsations upon my heart
Pulsing my blood from part to part
Popping pills to ease my pain,
Turning my body into something insane.
Twisting scars up my arms,
Wishing life had no harms.
A Brigadoon to go to,
With memories to hold on to.
Bridge
Looking at life through my eyes,
A sacred silence in which defies,
I wish I died, but instead I lived.
A cold morning under the victim’s derived.
These silver blades, in my hands,
Shattered in crimson plans
Burning marks of lighter metal,
Watching the growing of blister settles.
Sterile in the pain of harmony
Defeated in my own cold irony
Tired with selections
of subtle infections.
Chorus x3
Fade out
Waiting to Run Away from Tomorrow
Letting go of the hold,
Sitting here shivering in the cold.
Under the pouring rain,
I look around feeling the torturing pain.
Sleeks of ice splinting my eyes,
Sprays of gushing snow burning my thighs,
Sitting here in this life,
Gone tomorrow, feeling the strife.
I shed a tear of sorrow,
Wanting to run away from tomorrow,
Where nothing is alright,
Where nothing is right.
Drive me straight off the edge,
Just don’t look down the ledge,
Burning embers to rule out the sorrow,
Waiting to run away from tomorrow.
Foolish dreams — illusions.
Never breaking from the allusions.
Brink of my own insanity,
Stuck outside in this vanity.
Kept to myself,
Unable to see yourself,
Stuck in this retribution,
Stuck in my own confusion.
Help me — set me free.
Guide me along my path to be,
My star — my shining hope,
Lend me your power to cope.
Sacrifice the love for sorrow,
Waiting to run away from tomorrow,
Gently stroking the sorrow,
Where I rest till tomorrow.
They
They don’t understand.
They don’t understand the pain.
The pain of seeing something,
Of seeing something you know isn’t there,
You know isn’t there, but wont go away.
They don’t understand…
They try to be cruel,
They try to be cruel in their words.
In their words they have no comfort,
They have no comfort to a depressed friend,
A depressed friend they obviously don’t care about,
Don’t care about what happens to that friend.
No words of “it’s okay”
“It’s okay” not even being heard,
Being heard from their sour lips,
From their sour lips they try to speak the truth,
The truth that I cant comprehend
I can’t comprehend why it’s everything but “okay”
Reasons that only
Only a simple mind could see,
Could see only what they want to believe,
Want to believe until it happens to them,
Happen to them and everything changes.
Everything changes because it happened to them.
Screams in their head,
Screams in their head telling them,
Telling them that its “Not okay”
Its “not okay” because it happened before.
It happened before, but they didn’t believe.
They didn’t believe because they never saw.
They never saw something that wasn’t there.
Something that wasn’t there, that wasn’t real
Wasn’t real but only to the eye of the beholder,
The eye of the beholder that knew it wasn’t real
It wasn’t real, but it still wouldn’t go away
It wouldn’t go away because she didn’t know how.
She didn’t know,
She didn’t know how because she was alone,
She was alone because no one was there for her
No one was there for her because they had their own lives,
They had their own lives, but no matter what,
No matter what she’ll be there for them.
She’ll be there for them because that’s what best friends do,
That’s what best friends do because it doesn’t matter what they did.
It doesn’t matter what they did because it still doesn’t change,
It doesn’t change what she will do it return.
Alone.
With no one.
To guide them.
Along trapped paths.
Alone.
Because they don’t care…
Why
Invisible.
A shield of protection.
Invincible,
A power of collection.
Hang me by a string.
And try to make me do anything.
Stop messing with my mind,
Stop stepping towards me from behind.
Throw away that silver knife,
Through away all that strife.
I hate you,
And yet I cant get over you.
I try not to cry,
But all you do is lie.
You push me around,
And you push my down.
Every now and then, when I’m all alone,
I wish that there were nothing about you that was known.
Why can’t I pull away from you?
I seriously hate you.
You think you’re so cool,
You think of me as a fool,
Why can’t I get you out of my mind?
Why do you always remind,
That every time I’m alone,
Its like you’re going to suffocate my thrown,
Take my arm to my back
Pull up until it will crack.
Why can’t I get over you?
I hate you.
All you do is hurt me,
Each time. One, two, three.
And yet you act so fond of me,
You hold and warm me,
You treat me better,
Even though I know what you’re after.
So why cant I leave you,
Why cant say good-bye to you.
All you do is hurt me,
With you I can never be happy.
I’m such a fool towards you.
What did I ever do?
You’ll never get what you want
So stop hurting me and stop your hunt.
I see your stares, I see your eyes.
Graze over to all the other girls with guys.
You don’t even see me,
So why wont you let go of me?
I can’t take it anymore,
All you do is make me sore.
All I do is miss you.
Everything you say isn’t true.
What is this hold you have on me?
What is this hold that I can’t even see?
Why do you find pleasure in hurting me?
Why cant you just let me be?
You know what I’m saying?
This time I’m not playing.
Let me go.
I don’t love you.
Broken
Is there anything worth wild?
In this self-inflicted child?
That wont let go of her past?
Of something she wants forever to last?
Dripping scarlet of disdain,
A broken angel in too much pain,
Broken words unable to speak,
Tears falling down her cheek.
Staring into the sunrise,
Puffed burning eyes,
Now she’s walking away.
Everything’s an array.
No matter how hard she tried,
She ending up thinking about suicide.
A broken heart,
Torn and ripped apart.
Can you take away the pain?
The pain that you so well had claim?
How could you have left her?
Thinking you could have made things better,
Is there anything worth wild?
In this self-inflicted child?
Is there anything is this?
Life that truly exists?
Stuck in so many places,
Caught by so many ugly faces.
You cause her so much pain,
Like a broken corroded chain.
Alone and scared,
Stuck and dared,
Up and down the wrist,
As a good night kiss.
Addiction
You don’t feel the pain,
The pain that makes you insane
You’re just an empty soul,
An empty soul… without control.
Falling down to the depths of earth,
Only you don’t know what its worth,
To take a slice,
Once, or twice.
Holding my own ground,
My life spinning round and round,
You don’t even get the crave,
You don’t know how to behave,
Chorus
And the addiction where you don’t feel the pain,
The pain that makes you go insane.
You’re just an empty soul,
An empty soul… without control.
Falling down to the depths of earth,
Only you don’t know what its worth,
To take a slice,
Once, or twice.
Name calling from your voice,
Its all your choice.
To take a stand,
If you need a hand.
Take a hold,
There’s all the gold,
You need to stay alive,
To take a dive.
Chorus
And the addiction where you don’t feel the pain,
The pain that makes you go insane.
You’re just an empty soul,
An empty soul… without control.
Falling down to the depths of earth,
Only you don’t know what its worth,
To take a slice,
Once, or twice.
Addiction in your eyes,
In your mind, where it lies.
Holding back,
To make a pact,
That you’ll never die.
That you’ll never die.
Lost yourself all along,
Not knowing what is gone,
So strange you cant feel,
Your world you cannot heal.
Fading to the end of your world,
Taking a turn and a whirl,
Feel your heart burn,
Have to take another turn.
Chorus
And the addiction where you don’t feel the pain,
The pain that makes you go insane.
You’re just an empty soul,
An empty soul… without control.
Falling down to the depths of earth,
Only you don’t know what its worth,
To take a slice,
Once, or twice.
an empty soul,
An empty soul… without control.
Falling down to the depths of earth,
Only you don’t know what its worth,
To take a slice,
Once, or twice.
Why must you live this way,
The way you do day after day?
Not knowing what life will leave you,
Tomorrow’s past will leave you.
Adrenaline of the rush,
Do you feel the crush,
Of the situation,
Without temptation?
Can’t we live forever?
In your only reality of a fantasy forever?
Penetrate your addiction,
With that blade, an adaptation?
Chorus
And the addiction where you don’t feel the pain,
The pain that makes you go insane.
You’re just an empty soul,
An empty soul… without control.
Falling down to the depths of earth,
Only you don’t know what its worth,
To take a slice,
Once, or twice.
an empty soul,
An empty soul… without control. [fades out]
Bleeding Kisses
Bleeding kisses are like a thousand needles,
You never know when to quit.
The sweet sensation of bloodstained battles.
The act of suicide you are about to commit.
Bleeding kisses on your arms,
so lucky you have them.
Bleeding kissing with all sorts of harms,
not caring about them.
Bleeding kisses of razor blade cuts,
how exception and happy you are.
Dripping blood down your arms are charms,
the burning sensation is bizare.
Burning kisses are like candy,
you cant wait to have another.
To feels so good to see the burgandy,
cutting in any weather.
Fires burning in your soul,
you take your last step of life.
Digging to deep into your pole,
a pool of blood from that stupid knife.
Bleeding kisses have its downs,
you might not have wanted to die.
You might have wanted to feel the love and take a couple of rounds,
but now in the ground is where you’ll lye.
Bleeding kisses on your lips.
bleeding kisses is your death.
Not caring on how many trips,
today, your taking your last breath.
Candy and Razor Blades
Candy and razor blades,
Bleeding scars covered in band-aids.
Everything I am and everything I was,
All just a ringing in my ear, a buzz.
Building a prison for my soul,
An addiction taking control
Candy and razor blades
The pain, after awhile, fades.
Seeing rivers, pools of blood,
Flowing free from my wounds, just a flood.
Its like candy,
the feeling of being drunk from brandy.
But im feeling invisible around you,
Why’d you turn away from me too?
I turned to candy and razor blades,
I went to cry to get away from the fades.
No one was there when I was scared,
Alone with candy and razor blades, no one cared.
I was so alone.
The pain from the blades, (never shown.)
Candy and razor blades,
Cuts covered in band-aids.
Gauze and tape,
Cold thick blood. (A way to escape.)
Candy and razor blades, hear my sigh,
Gooey pressure on my thigh,
Down my sides,
Like a thousand tides.
This pressure is too much,
You inside my head, just to touch,
The painful side,
So no pain could subside.
That’s why I love candy and razor blades,
Cuts and slices covered in band-aids.
The truth can never surface,
The cuts soon interlace,
Stars, crosses, lines, slashes,
So many ways… sometimes arches.
Candy and razorblades.
Cuts covered in Band-Aids.
To hide from the world that caused them,
To hide from you, that bled them.
Cut
The rambunctious intention to slice was on my mind that night.
I lingered to the kitchen with no less that fright.
I didn’t want to get caught you see,
as blood on my arm would soon pour down on me.
I took a knife and took a cut.
The bitter ecstasy of luscious pain overwhelmed me but I don’t know what,
made me jittery that night,
because soon, I saw a glowing light.
I slinked behind the counter with the blade still pressed on my inner wrist.
I closed my eyes and shook with a yearning for more pain and bliss such as a burning kiss,
to take me away from my reality,
drive me from my mortality.
A cut was nothing but a simple drawn of blood.
Just a rush of excruciating confusion pain of a flood.
Nothing could stop me from my disastrous deed,
as the cut on my arm began to bleed.
Footsteps pressed upon the floor that moment,
the sweet smell of cucumber melon scent,
overwhelmed me when I saw my sister right there,
looking at me with sadness, fright, and despair.
I didn’t know how to react.
Let alone I felt alone in fact,
that she stared at me with burning tears right then,
and I hoped as blood kept pouring that it wasn’t my end.
I felt cold and dark just crouched there staring at her,
her staring at me, my cut there.
She asked me, “Why did you do that?!”
the only thing I could do was shrug. “You couldn’t understand that.”
but she shook her head tears slapping the ground,
and she looked at me with a worried frown.
“I don’t want you to die.” she said.
“I’m not going to die…” I told her as I bled.
Blood poured on my clothes red,
and I knew right then I went to far. Close to dead.
She called nine one-one so quick,
and I felt my self-fall as the phone made a click.
Weak and cold scared and tired,
I heard the sirens and the wired.
They came soon quick so swift to fast,
and got me into the emergency room at last.
They stopped the bleeding,
and took a reading,
my heart at a normal beat,
my body now at a normal heat,
and my arm stitched,
my sister b**ched,
as I got my tetnus shot.
From a cut I should have not,
I survived that night from that cut,
and my parents stared at me but
I knew right then they were in shame,
that they might feel that were to blame
because I never could tell them the reason,
why I cut in this season.
The doctor came to me and looked at me.
Staring at him I could see,
that things would never be right,
because his lips were pressed so tight.
I lost allot of blood he defined,
and not seeing the problems my family were blind.
On my arm were excessive cuts and scratches,
and scars in little batches.
They put me on Zoloft you see,
and now I don’t know if im even happy.
I promised my mother I wouldn’t cut,
but you see I still want to cut.
What if my time comes and it goes to far?
That im so unhappy some how and I make a scar?
I nearly lost my life I remember…
and that night I tried was a blur…
as I made that cut and bled so much,
that I died right then but reawaken by a touch,
of a cut that took a day of my life I want back,
but you only live one life and you choose what to do with your life without a lack.
So I can never take back that cut I made,
from a distant pain and raid,
of wanting to flee from the pain,
that a cut is something you do when you’re not sane.
Don’t Have a Reason
What if you felt like doing something?
But you never had a perfect reason?
What if that dealt with hurting yourself?
Inhuman destruction treason.
It was a decision of mine.
Something I couldn’t comprehend.
I don’t understand what’s going on.
Feeling that I would do the world a favor with my end.
I don’t know why I feel the need to hurt myself…
But at night it kills me inside.
I wish I could stop this terrible action.
And stop pretending to hide.
What if you don’t have a reason for scars?
A reason to bleed?
What if you don’t have a reason to cry at night,
And want to create the ecstasy of pain and speed.
What’s the reason not to see the next day?
Just to close your eyes and never come to the awakening
Just to give the world a favor
And stop the pain and cold shakening.
What if you don’t have a reason for your cuttings?
But everyone keeps on asking why.
Why that when you try on confessing,
Nothing comes out but a helpless sigh?
I can’t tell you why this is happening to me.
Cause honestly I don’t know why
But it scares me in the inside,
Knowing I have no control whether or not my emotions wish to die.
I keep asking my self.
Closing my eyes and wondering what to do.
I want to be free and fly away
But my friend, I don’t want to leave you.
I feel like im losing my mind.
Unambiguous that I just want to give up for a bit.
Is this an inevitable sign?
That one-day it will go extreme and I’ll end up doing it?
I must be a coward for not going through with it.
But it scares me at the same time.
Im afraid that I wont be able to control this urge to cut,
And I wont be able to figure out what my intentions are grime.
I don’t want you to stop being my friend,
I don’t want you to pretend your blind.
Please help me get through this!
And help me control my mind.
What if I don’t have a reason to live?
That this whole life of mine was only a game.
That I really don’t feel like winning it,
That I want to give up on the same.
What if I don’t have a reason to believe?
In a better world for the next day.
If I stop being this pathetic believer that everything’s going to be okay,
And grow up to see that it will be worst the next day.
I cant take this anymore.
I don’t know what I want.
I don’t know if I want to stop
Or if I wanna keep going and being flaunt.
What if you don’t have a reason.
A reason in this season.
A reason to walk a breezing.
Only a unknown reason.
On the Verge
I’m on the verge,
of soaking in my blood.
The cold temptation of suicide,
the blade and my wrist shall purge.
I have no idea what’s happening to me.
The subtle existence of life no longer amuses me.
I can’t figure why my desire to die is strong,
but inside and out it’s killing me.
I’m on the verge of death at my wings.
The sweet sensation of the burning in my arms.
A blade pressed against my flesh I gasp.
As the burning of passes embarks my body and sings.
Tears burn my eyes, as I know what’s happening.
My friends, I worry, what they truly think of me.
Im more afraid of what’s happening to me,
than they are realizing…
I cant stop myself from cutting.
Im on the verge of suicide.
I can’t stop my self from cutting,
I love the pain it brings like you just died.
Im on the verge of suicide.
On the verge to leave.
On the verge of this not happening,
hoping I wont deceive.
On the Wings of Suicidal Angels
Suffocated with nothing to lose.
Singing a melody, all alone tonight.
Fallen from the skies to oblivion that’s not new.
Slitting your arms with the music of fright.
Longing to be with the emberous sun,
Freedom from fate and destiny.
A child in my arms I weep,
For your future, love happily.
Fallen feathery wings,
Clouded with blood colored feathers.
Victimized to death diluted and cries.
To you it withers.
The pain I hold so near.
An angel that has the wish to die.
Suicidally frozen from God above.
With all the reasons to defy.
On the wings of suicidal angels.
So cold inside. In suffocation I cry.
You are my wings. You lift me up.
Please do not end your life and die.
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