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Christina

This Girl

Copyright Christina

She lives her life, stressed to the limit, hiding her feelings so well.
Some people finally relise she’s unhappy, but dont understand why she doesnt tell.
They dont understand that she cant explain, That she doesnt know herself,
And all of this happiness is just pretend.
She goes to school, laughs out loud, just making sure she fits in with the crowd.
She gets home, with pain in her head…
Nobody knows the blood she will shed.
She gets in her room, with tears in her eyes.
She doesnt want to live telling all these lies…

She tells people she found a new way to get it all out.
But there seems to be no other way, when she’s sitting there with doubt.
She’s Doubtful she’s going to succeed in this world.
She wants to end all of this as soon as she can.
This girl is always falling, and her biggest fear is to land…

I wish there were someway to make people see that this girl I explain is unfortunately me.

Confused

Copyright Christina

What would I give to change what I did,
All these thoughts have caused my life to skid.
Spinning in circles as lost as can be,
I wish I could change everything about me.

I look at my life and wonder how I can feel so bad, there is the pain, but also all the great memories ive had.
I notice myself walking through the halls saying hi to so many people and at the same time asking myself why?…is this really me?… is this really the person I want to be?
I dont understand how having all these people can make me feel so alone.

How come no one can understand how I feel?
What can I do to cause all this pain to heal?
In my head, I tell myself that other people feel the same way,
But when I think about it, maybe I just get in the way.

No one understands the unhappiness inside, I cant think of a recent night where I havent sat up and cried.
ive relized its not worth it to sit alone and cry,
sometimes I feel like it would be worth it to die.
I wonder if doing this to myself really helps the pain.
I dont think I have anymore energy to drain.

I wish someone would help me or this would fade away,
i wish I could do something to cause these feelings to decay.
But I know thats never going to happen, I have do deal with this myself.
I wrote this because im so confused, sometimes I just dont know what to do.
I’m going to deal with these feelings someway,
i know something good is going to change my life someday.

Deep Dark Hole

Copyright Christina

It’s like I’m Falling into a deep, dark hole.
Spinning in circles, and don’t know where to go…
Once in a while, I hear people at the top.
But for some reason, They give up, and let me drop.
I listen for them to call….
Again, they have just left me here to fall.
Someone please save me, get me out of this hole.
For doing that to myself… is this the toll?
My teardrops fall into the sky.
Before I hit the bottom, I’d rather die.
I really hope this doesn’t last.
This is getting scary, I’m falling so fast.
I wish I could somehow make this all stop,
Go back to the way my life was at the top.
Go back to being happy again,
And not deal with my pain like I do now.
Someone please help me, I know I’m the only one to blame.
But I still need help,
And it brings me to shame…

Nothing

Copyright Christina

I am here,
I always have been,
I’ve never moved,
Never budged.
I’ve always been here,
For support.
I’ve lost so much,
But I’ve never given anything,
(i have but yet I havent)
I’ve always taken,
Never received.
I’ve stood there,
unfalterred,
immobile.
What happens now?
What happens next?
I’m invisible,
Because I don’t matter.
I’m nothing.
I’m air.

Think

Copyright Christina

It’s black,
It’s dark.
I can’t see,
I’m blind.
I open my eyes,
I let the light in.
I let them see me,
The way I look from within.
They gasp and they stutter,

They say that they know me,
they say they can help.
But I know better,
I know that they can’t.
Because nobody knows what goes through my head,

They think that they do,
But I know their wrong.
I’m getting tired of the light,
And I wannna shut my eyes,
But they tell me I can’t,

But I know Im empty,
I’m losing light fast.
My eyes are getting heavy,
I can shut them at last.

Depression

Copyright Christina

i look deep in your eyes
i get lost
it looks like space in your eyes
i sit there wondering why you are shaking
your hands are cold
you kiss me
frost comes out of your mouth
i get a sudden chill
i can’t realize what’s wrong
you turn to me
you told me “i love you!”
you said “i’m dead!”
you tell me that i’m dead too
i asked you how
you said “you killed yourself by cutting your throut!”
i then killed myself, cause I couldn’t live without you
you told me you wanted to be with me forever
you and I became ghosts, forever together!

Cutting Deeper

Copyright Christina

I’m cutting deeper and deeper
I can see blood
I can see alot of blood
I can see my bone
I hit my bone
I’m cutting up my bone
I cut really deep
I’m now dying!

I Hate You!

Copyright Christina

why are you so,mean!
why do you have to put memirous in my head!
why are you hurting me!
why are u harrassing me!
why do you have to threaten them!
why can’t you leave them out of it!
why you want them!
i thought you just wanted me!
you will not have me without a fight
you will never hurt them!
you have to go through me first!
go away please, go away!

Cutting for the Better

Copyright Christina

i got everyone mad and depressed
i was mean to my boy
i went in my room
i cryed and cryed
i screamed “i want to die!”
i got a blade
i cut a deep cut into both of my arms
i went into the living room
i put my hands over my head
i watched my mom,brother and boy scream
i watched the blood drip down my body
i would lick the blood on my arms
i said “i’m crazy and now I will die!”
the blood got heavier and heavier
i started to get dizzy
i started screaming
i watched as more and more blood came out
i fell on the ground
i lay dead in my own blood!

Cutting

Copyright Christina

i went into my room mad
i started crying
i started shaking
i found a sharp razor
i cut my wrist’s up and down
i cut on my arms “fat, ugly, bitch!’
i cut my stomach
i cut everwhere I could
i cut and cut
i cut intill, I could see blood from every cut
i went outside to have a cigarette
i sat there crying
i sat there watching the blood drip
i saw the blood drip down the step
i saw a big puddle of blood when I got up
i went in the house
i said “i’m sorry for everything!”
i passed out
i then died

My Out

Copyright, Christina

I’m going to tell a story
I’ll tell it from the heart
And then I’ll carve it on my wrist
As an unfading piece of art

I’ll tell of all the things I’ve felt
Throughout my short years of life
I’ll tell it everyone and no one
As I hide the knife

I watch the marks fade
From crimson to pale pink
I watch the blood trail off
Into the awaiting sink

I’ll keep it from the world
A secret on my on my marred skin
Carefully hidden, not to be seen
Until I begin again

This is my shade of gray
My silent imperfection
The way I deal with my pain
In an unforgiving reality of rejection

 

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