Beccy-Lee
Dead Inside
Copyright Beccy-Lee
My soul has already died,
Can’t remember when I last cried,
My body is nothing more than a shadow,
No feelings left to show,
When my body has deceased,
Is when I will finally be at peace,
I’ve waited for death all my life,
I made a pact with my knife,
Don’t you understand?
It’s too late too hold out your hand,
There is nothing behind my eyes,
Apart from dark memories and lies,
But everyday I paint on this smile,
And plan my death all the while,
Every day I say I’m fine,
And pretend to shine,
The ones closest can’t even stop me,
From what fate wants to be,
I’m so sorry for all the hurt,
But all I am is dirt,
It never goes away,
The memories are with me everyday,
For years and years I was called names,
Now my heart is wrapped up in bladed chains,
I was so afraid,
From bullies you can not hide in the shade,
While you were all smiling and laughing,
I was alone and crying,
This is no poem this is the end,
The end to my life and I will not defend,
I will not run from the blades and ropes,
Death is really how too cope.
Young Girl
Copyright Beccy-Lee
Sometime during the day this young girls screams and cries,
This young girl lying in the mud being told all she says is lies,
So the young girl learns a new way to cope,
The young girl uses a razor blade and it gives her hope,
Sometime during the day you will hear the names this young girl is called,
But if you ask the young girl you will be easily fooled,
For this young girl is ashamed of this abuse,
Because in her past to this young girl adults have been no use,
They told this young girl that she lies and is bad,
And this just makes the young girl sad,
This young girl is all alone,
This young girl has no friends of her own,
But this young girl learns not to cry,
The young girl becomes so numb and wishes to die,
But soon the young girl starts to get older,
But in her mind the young girl hasn’t changed just become colder,
So when you ask this young girl to act her age,
The young girl will act young, don’t get in a rage,
For this is where this young girl’s life came to a halt,
And it was the young girls fault,
Because this young girl is dirt,
Even though this young girl feels so much hurt.
That young girl is me.
She’s Waiting
Copyright Beccy-Lee
Awaiting eternal sleep,
When her heart will no longer weep,
Remember that little girl crying?
The little girl who was bullied for flying,
Did you see that little girl pushed onto the floor?
Did you see the bruises and her eyes so soar?
Too you this girl was nothing,
Too you this girl wasn t worth loving,
You watched as her life fell apart,
The beginning of a broken heart,
But no one said a thing,
Even when they saw her crying,
She left her mum notes on the stairs,
Saying that she rather be dead than go to school where no one cares,
Everyday she cried out for protection,
But all she learnt is too punish her self for imperfection,
As she got older she lost her innocence,
And no one ever came to her defence,
No longer a little girl,
Tears fall down like shiny pearls,
She has forgot the meaning of fun,
And remembered all of what the bullies had done,
She did try and tell you all,
Before she started to fall,
But it’s too late now the damage is done now,
No one really cares how,
Don’t blame her when she flies away,
Because she couldn’t live another day,
She told you but you didn’t see,
Maybe happiness was never meant to be,
She could never look in the mirror without hate,
So sadly death was the girl’s fate.
No More
Copyright Beccy-Lee
I can’t do it anymore,
My wounds are so soar,
I can’t keep myself from tears,
I can longer hide all my fears,
The everyday cycle of self hate,
Self control is too late,
Everyday is eating and purging,
Afterwards I’m just left crying,
Every lunchtime, ever dinner, every meal,
I have to rid from my body so I can feel,
If I don’t all I see is guilt and despair,
And for my body I do not care,
I never thought it would get this bad,
Too the point where it is driving me mad,
Now it’s part of me,
Happiness without it I can not see,
The race to the toilet,
What used to be my little secret,
Then so obvious with my blood shot eyes,
The teeth marks on my hand that resemble so many lies,
The nurses said I was disgusting,
Said that I was sickening,
They didn’t care how I felt,
They just made me feel more guilt,
Don’t people see this it what keeps me going?
It won’t ever leave me, it won’t ever start lying,
I’m sorry I can not be your perfect daughter,
Don’t look at me with disgust I just want to be better,
Won’t you accept me for who I am inside?
So I feel like I don’t have to hide,
I promise I will try harder for perfection,
Even if it means deception.
Unfair
Copyright Beccy-Lee
People stand and stare,
Why is life so unfair?
Don’t they realise it’s my heart they’re breaking,
Maybe I’m the scarred object that has no feeling,
When people look at me with such disgust,
With my fake smile I can not be fussed,
So I’ll curl up crying inside,
On the outside my feelings I will hide,
Would they point and glare,
If they new my despair,
Or will they still call me weak,
For letting crimson red leak,
When I stare at my reflection,
Full of hate and destruction,
I want to punish the thing that looks back,
My soul so black,
So I make my self sick and slice my arms,
Who cares when it makes me so calm,
Then when I’m done I am almost asleep,
For seconds my heart stops to weep,
Feeling so afraid,
No one to come to my aid,
Because I’ve pushed them all too far,
One by one scar by scar,
Things I have done,
Times I have run,
Being locked up in body and mind,
Happiness I will never find,
I have so many stories locked up in my head,
Memories, what the bullies said,
When I was attacked,
When it was confidence I lacked,
I never asked for any of it,
But now it’s my wrist that I will slit,
To end all of this pain,
Before I go totally insane.
Fight
Copyright Beccy-Lee
Yet another fight because of me,
Doesn’t matter if it’s in another language can’t they see?
They pretend everything is fine,
But everyone can see they are lying,
I come home to escape madness,
But everyone seams full of sadness,
But I’m suppose to be deaf to fights,
Out of mind out of sight?
I can’t tell them how them fighting makes me feel,
Because that will give them wounds that will never heal,
So I cut and hide,
So my pain do not confide,
The person I’m closest to seems so sad,
I know it was my fault I’ve been so bad,
Useless daughter never gets it right,
Always the one who starts the fight.
But it’s not a big deal,
It doesn’t matter how it makes me feel,
Because it’s what happens everywhere,
Even though it seams so unfair,
Now they both sit alone,
Staring into nowhere hard as stone,
But the anger in their eyes,
Is so obvious like the tears they want to cry,
Never say anything,
And carry on lying,
Never let feelings show,
And always let people see you glow,
So tonight I’ll find my blade,
My only aid,
Maybe tonight or tomorrow I’ll cut too deep,
And finally I will be asleep.
Bullies
Copyright Beccy-Lee
I sit at the very back,
Where no one sees me in the shadow so black,
The notes of pain start passing,
And the murderous words start screaming,
I come in the morning,
They’re cheering your name while laughing,
Your hands round my neck as you smash my head against the wall,
The teacher says nothing as my soul starts to fall,
I run to the toilets and look at my reflection,
Blood trickles down as my hands hold on to the sink with tension,
I shake with fear,
As I wipe a way a tear,
I hear your voice in my sleep,
I hear the names that make me weep,
You’re making cry while you re having fun,
You’ll always find me however far I run,
Do you know that you messing with a life,
That you’re pushing me into a world of bloody cuts and knifes,
Did you know that your words can kill?
Did you know that your words drive people to pills?
It’s difficult to stay strong,
When you’ve been abused for so long,
It’s difficult to stay strong,
When the teachers say you re wrong,
You made me so afraid,
Pushed me too far into the shade,
So tonight I kill myself and I guess that means you ve won,
And that I’ve paid the price for your fun.
Mad House
Copyright Beccy-Lee
She presses her face against the window,
She’s feeling so low,
She wants to escape the mad people’s cries,
But they won’t let her out however hard she tries,
She takes it back, she doesn’t want them helping,
She wants to go home she says crying,
But her mum doesn’t take her back home,
The doctor wouldn’t let her so she is left all alone,
She hears the doors shut,
And hides under her covers and begins to cut,
But the nurse is looking and sees the blood,
They hold her down and take her blade but it’s too late to stop the crimson flood.
So yet again a nurse sat by her bed,
Her make up smeared with the tears she shed,
She can’t move, she’s not allowed,
The nurses talk about her ever so loud,
They watch her every movement,
She has spilled her heart but they are not yet content,
She has stopped eating,
So they force down a food drink in between screaming,
She feels like she is going mad,
Some of them treat her so bad,
Who cares about the bruises and cuts?
They caused them when they locked the door so tightly shut,
She bangs on the door and begs them to let her out,
Because her sanity she beginning to doubt,
She doesn’t know what to do,
She wants her mum to come and tell her this nightmare isn’t true,
So she cries some more,
And lets her blood hit the floor,
She can’t get out,
However loud she shouts.
The Game
Copyright Beccy-Lee
This game I play isn’t fun,
It’s the game that makes me pay for all I have done,
The game will tell me when I die,
Or if I’ll just drop from a high,
The game rules my behaviour,
Because the game is my saviour,
The game is my control,
I am the game’s china doll,
The game provides blades and pills,
The game kills,
The game is where there is no sun,
It’s the game that makes me pay for all I have done,
I live in the game,
Because it makes me feel slightly more sane,v
The game is my friend,
No notes it has ever meant to send,
To you this my make no sense,
But the game is my fence,
The fence that protects me from the hurt,
And only lets me take anger out under the shirt,
I do what the game says,
Because its voice is so clear in saying how I should pay,
This game is living inside,
The game makes no effort to hide.
Whether I die today or tomorrow,
The game will decide with no sorrow,
And this I choose not to fight,
Because the game is my sight.
Ashamed
Copyright Beccy-Lee
I’m so ashamed,
Deep down I know I’m the one who should be blamed,
So I punish myself till perfection,
And show myself no affection,
Yet another memory to add to my mind,
Peace I will never find,
Just when life seams worth it,
I crash down to earth not wanting to live one bit,
Just a bit of fun between friends,
So while you touch me my soul I defend,
Even though I said no,
You still think I’m a little ho,
I say go find some one who wants this to be,
But you say no with you it will be free,
Don’t my emotions mean anything?
Don’t you realise your making my blood fall in the sink?
While you’re laughing, I’m shaking,
While I’m crying, you’re lying,
You took the smile off my face,
Now I don’t let anyone in my space,
I hang myself with a blood red rope,
And let go my last bit of hope,
Blood drips tangled with tears,
And I rid all my fears,
So I jump to my end,
And I’m hand lies my only true friend,
The razor blade.
That makes my memories forever fade.
I can Still Smell Him
Copyright Beccy-Lee
I can still smell him,
On my clothes and skin
,
The fear of tomorrow lies ahead,
So I can relive everything he did and said,
If I see him I’ll run fast,
I won’t let anymore torments enter my past,
Every where he has touched I will cut,
To make my mind shut,
Scars reopened yet again,
Only for his own gain,
But soon I’ll turn numb,
Because I need to protect myself it’s not dumb,
I won’t talk anymore,
Nothing can shield my mind from the things I saw,
I won’t cry anymore,
I’ll hide my every flaw,
This pain is so real,
I no longer want to feel,
I’ll detach from everything,
And let know one know what I’m thinking,
A fake smile,
Pain inside all the while,
I’m crying inside,
But this I know I have to hide,
I don’t care what others say,
It’s me, who has to pay,
My mind says to block you all out,
And this I do not doubt.
Body and Mind
Copyright Beccy-Lee
My body is worn out,
From every time I could not shout,
My soul has died,
From every time I have lied,
My head is over whelming with my past,
I don’t know how long I will last,
How far will I have to run?
Till I reach the sun,
How long will I have to hide?
Until they haven’t got anything left they haven’t tried?
I would give anything to change me,
I would give anything just to be free,
My life is full of self harm,
This is what keeps me calm,
I see the world through sun glasses,
I absorb the dark while I’ll watch the light as it passes,
I worry everyday if people dislike me,
But this only a few can see,
Everyday I worry that I have made people hate me,
From this curse I wish to be free,
I’ll become oblivious to the pain,
I don’t care if it drives me insane,
And the numbness I will obtain,
I will no longer feel ashamed,
I do not wish to die,
I just wish to be alive,
I don’t want to feel nothing,
I want to feel something,v
I feel like a maniac,
With the self control I sometimes lack,
I’m lost in a maze,
While everyone thinks bloodletting is a stupid craze,
Don’t they know it rids the dirt?
And numbs the hurt,
Maybe I need to become more assertive,
Maybe that will help me to live,
Or maybe I just submerge,v
And no longer have to purge,
Maybe I’ll cut too deep,
And fall for eternally to sleep,
I Told You No
Copyright Beccy-Lee
I told you no,
But you carried on with a rough flow,
I told you no,
Was it a show?
I told you no,
Do you think I’m a ho?
I told you no,
You made me feel so low,
I told you no,
I’m not emotionless thing you can use like dough,
I told you no,
But you just said so,
I told you no,
And my heart I will again have to sew,
I told you no,
I’m not a ball you can just throw,
I told you no,
You made my mind so slow,
I told you no,
Was I miss reading the secret code?
I told you no,
There was no need to pursue.
Weak
Copyright Beccy-Lee
Do not cry it makes you weak,
No help must you seek,
Do not let your feelings show,
Even if you are feeling low,
Don’t ever let them see you cry,
If they ask tell them a lie,
Don’t show them how angry you feel,
Never let the cuts heal,
Don’t let them see your fixation with blood,
Don’t let them see that you ever loved,
Do not let them into you mind,
They may not like what they find,
Do not let anyone see how sad you feel,
They can’t become your pain shield,
I am your voice in your head I can not be wrong,
I am your voice in your head that plays this depressing song,
I am the one, who will tell you have to die,
And I am the one who tells you to lie.
Because I know you are week,
I tell you everyday of the weak,
I can see inside your mind,
And I’m disgusted at what I find.
Your better of dead,
And this is what most people should have said.
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