Psyke.org

Amanda

The Girl in the Mirror

Copyright Amanda

Every morning I look into the mirror and see you,
Why do you hate me?
What have I ever done to you?
I don t even know who you are most of the time,
I want to hurt you,
I do hurt you,
You want to hurt me,
You do hurt me,
Why doesn t this torture stop?
I see the blood on my hands,
They must be on yours too,
Does it hurt you as much as it hurts me?

Constantly an inner battle
That goes on inside of me,
Causing my heart to cry,
Why? I ask the question,
I receive the answer,
A slice in my heart,
Just as on my arm,
The pain feels so good,
But at the same time so bad,
I love the feeling,
I hate the feeling,
At least there is something to control,
The battle goes on and on,
And I tear myself apart.

Cutting

Copyright Amanda

Alone with no one there,
I grab a blade,
My tears fall I feel so alone
I cut blood grows as if it’s
a big bubble wanting to pop
For now my tears no longer fall
and cutting away my pain
now it’s all disappearing!

Untitled

Copyright Amanda

The pain was more than I could take
Almost every smile was always fake
I only wish that you could see
What all this pain does to me

With my life I will pay
Because of you I could not stay
I can not stand my life
You don’t know my thoughts when I see that knife

Drive it through my heart
Or cut my wrists and vains apart
It’s really not a lie
When I tell you that I want to die

Now I lay my life to rest
And wish my friends all the best
Even though they say they cared
They never looked just always stared

To the certain few who always knew
Just what to say or what to do
I owe my life to all of you
You were the few that were always true

Your words helped so much
But I’m tired of using you as a crutch
To live this life
Thats not right

To drop all my problems on you
Without thinking the outcomes through
Hurting you as the hurt me
I am sorry this could never be

Blood streaming downs my hands
You can blame it on the bands
The sh*t I hear
Is worse than the death I fear

Put me down everytime I turn my back
Everytime I said you help… it was just an act
Just like the way you pretended to be
A supposed true friend to me

This I will not regret
I hope you never forget
Because of you and everything you put me through
This is what I had to do
Good-Bye and good luck to come
Everything is black…. my life is done

Untitled

Copyright Amanda

Just let my lie,
On my bedroom floor,
While inside i die,
And out my blood pours.

Untitled

Copyright Amanda

I cant stand to look at my wrist,
not now, not later, not before, not ever.
Im afraid to looka t my wrist,
i might see what i one saw before.
I afriad you’ll see my wrist,
at look away in disgust as they once did.
Im afraid im falling inot this pattern,
of cutting myself for each thing that goes wrong.
so why wont you look at my wrist and help me?
Cant you see i dont want to do this anymore?
But no one cares, no one notices.
So i will look at my wrist,
and do soemthing ive been regretting.

Untitled

Copyright Amanda

Im as happy as can be,
i love life and life loves me.
No one happier exists,
excuse me while i slit my wrists.

My Past

Copyright Amanda

At first i used a safety-pin
but it wouldnt cut through my skin.
So i used a razor blade,
The markings have no longer fade.
The blood is flowing, bright as ever,
i dont think i can stop…no…never.
All my feelings of hate and frustration have been poured out,
Do you understand? Do you get what this is about?
Im angry, ashmaned, scared
i cant seem to talk to any one but u if i dared.
i cant find a way out of my suffering and pain.
except in cutting.
it makes me feel better, to have control
over one thing in my life..scary though..that it happens to be where i place a knife.
My whole like has been fille dwith people lying to me, hurting me,
physcially, emtional, sexually, abusing me.
Im sick and tired of it all, the shame and guilt of letting it happen.
I juss wanna be normal, i jus wanna be free,
so i guess in a way,
this punishment i pay,
is because of shame and guilt.
When i stand by my friends i feel like filth,
knowing if they knew my past,
Their friendship would never last.

My Scars

Copyright Amanda

I miss the pain,
When my blood falls like rain.
It made me feel better,
When I craved a letter.
But now i know,
The scars that show,
reveal my past,
that went by so fast.
Because people lied,
i have my scars to hide.
I regret what i did,
and i wish i could get rid,
of the scars that im ashamed of.

Breathed My Last

Copyright Amanda

If i breathed my last today
I doubt they’d shed a tear
I doubt it’d catch their eye
that i wasn’t even there
I bet they won’t look twice
at my empty seat in class
I bet they’d never know
If today I breathed my last
My grave would lie untended
My family as now
my soul’d be unadopted
and still encaged somehow
the pews in church’d be empty
my casket open wide
with not a tear upon it,
with no one by my side
my name’d be left unspoken
my print’d never found
and my body’d be consumed
beneath the very ground
but if i live my future,
it will be just like my past
a great big hole of emptiness
so today i’ll breath my last

Untitled

Copyright Amanda

How many times can you tell a lie?
How many times can a part of you die?
How many times can you say good-bye?
To something that seemed so real in your mind.

How long does it take to kill the pain?
How long does it take to regain your name?
Or to find something sane?
When your world is chaos.

When will you allow your-self to forgive?
When will you allow your-self to live?
When will you know that you always were
More than these scars on your arms.

Untitled

Copyright Amanda

Ruffled panties, mary janes
Remembered childhood — the dawn of pain
Running and tripping — tripping and falling
Skinned knees and tattered ribbons
Long skirts and long sleeve shirts
This is the happiness that comes fom hurt — from pain
The birth of shame — hiding on the outside
With french brades and bobby pins
Pink lip stick with nail polish to match
This is the sickness that comes from trying
This is the sickness that comes from failing
Map of scars on my body
Leading from my past to my present
And my present to my future past
Linking one painful memory to the next
Like childhood dolls covered in dust
Ruffled panties long since gone
And the hope of something better

Untitled

Copyright Amanda

Her eyes are evasive
They strip my soul
With just one glance
Exposing my inner demons
Killing me without even a word
For how can I live
Without my sickness to cling to
She understands
Yet still she rapes me pure,
Fills me with screaming emotion
Deafening!
Hit me please; hit me!
I’ve gone into shock!
But she won’t reach out and touch me
Just stare with tear soaked eyes
As blood runs down her arms into me
Into me

Let Me See It

Copyright Amanda

Let me see it
Let me feel it
Let me taste it please!
Nothing tastes better than pain
Nothing feels better
than warm skin warm blood
Submitting to the blade
to the pain
to the life
Painful seduction
quickened breath, erotic thrill
Give it to me, give me it all
I need it, I crave it
The life my death
The heart beat the pulse
But you can make it end
The sadness the cravings
The risen scars the shame
Long t-shirts long skirts
Covering up badges of pain
I can never get past it
The snickering the stareing
Te apathetic eyes wanting to help
Thanx but no thanx
And they’re consiences are for shit
Because they’ll sleep well regardless
While my soul is tortured
But you know what they say
What doesn’t kill us
Hurts like hell
Physically numb
Painful after effect
Sweet to the taste
but bitter going down
If I wake up tomorrow
It will make an auful sound
Mourning song
My flesh will weep
And I will say that I promise to try
But promises lie
Yet I will try one more time
Close my eyes still my hands
Draw tight my lips be still my tongue
And pray for the strength
To need something else.

She Answers to Amanda

Copyright Amanda

She answers to Amanda
But she knows that deep inside she is not
Though she does not know who she is
“Amanda is caring” her mother says
“Amanda is a good person”.
But I am neither of those
Iam anger and jealousy
Dirty looks and bloody hands
Rapped around a dirty blade
I kill off all of her enemies
While she bleeds on the outside
She acts like sorrow
and looks like pain
And refuses to see that I know who I am
And that she doesnt know herself
That I except what I am
Whereas she hides from it
No, runs from it
She loves to write
and draw and sing
Yet she knows she’ll never be good at anything
Except pretending to be good
She smiles and tries to do what she’s told
But when alone she drinks away her soul
And she is alone a lot.

Rip the Vein

Copyright Amanda

With jagged tooth and name
Jetting blood and loving sane
We will not say goodbye to pain
just embrace what is —
— With half heart hardened
and half softened stone
fully aware of stinging bone —
in minds crystal sanity
— with bodies unconvincing plea
though ripped and torn.

Bleed for me Baby

Copyright Amanda

Bleed for me baby
Bleed for me
So the demon can be fed
But never ever satisfied
— never.
Just the sight of warm plasma
— wet and slick
Makes me hot- makes me cry out
As it drips off your skin onto mine.
Just a little deeper baby
Just a little deeper
so the blood keeps flowing
— thick crimson lines
— slowly creeping
— then moving faster
Towards my waiting tongue.

Untitled

Copyright Amanda

I sit in my room on my bed, some pretty morbid thoughts in my head. It’s like I can’t feel, and that the shit keeps gettin more and more real. When I give my heart to someone they throw it right back and laugh in my face, and I slice my own leg leaving a slight trace. I once told my friend about what I once did and she totally thought I was some sick sort of kid. She said that was messed up and that I really need help, but what the hell does she know, does she know how it felt? Does she know the pressure everyday that I’m under, the things that they need me to be, that really on the inside just aren’t me. Every night I pray to be beautiful and thin, and last but not least to please stop cutting my skin, and so far God has let me down, coz I have not beauty or emptiness just a trickle of blood on my skin. So screw them all I really don’t need this, as long as I am in my crystal ice queen psychological bliss.

Angel

Copyright Amanda

I’m with my angel in my safe place
I’m trying not to let the numb get to me
I see that there’s worry in his face
He’s scared I’ll give in to the razor

We’re on our nice calm beach
Far in my head away from the noise
Mother can’t get me, I’m out of reach
I think she’s trying to find me

Oh well, I want to stay here forever
I know he wants me to stay too
My mother wouldn’t let me, never
She hates to see me happy

One deep slice with my sharp razor
Or maybe mother could help me out
Beat me some more, do me a favor
Then I could stay with my angel

I love my angel…

 

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