Alyssa Marie
Anger
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
A cold piece of metal, inches away.
My hand reaches out to grab it.
I push it into the flesh on my wrist
and slowly I start to drag it.
Blood flows, the skin is torn
pain floods up in my heart.
Anger and tears well up in my eyes.
From this world I wish to depart.
Summer 2003
Happy?
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
Staring off endlessly
In a daze my life will forever be
Wishing, wanting, longing, craving
To change the way i’ve been behaving
cutting, drinking, dealing and purging
a better life is my mind urging
Yelling and crying is the only sound
Where’s the happiness i once found?
June 2003
Knife
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
My life is not worth anything
Listen to the voice
and now ive narrowed it down
to my one last choice
what will life be like without me?
i’ll put it to the test
i pick up the knife with its cold wood handle
and thrust it into my chest
i can still see people
like an ordinary day
but the one strange thing about it is
nothing changed in any way
March 2002
Scars
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
With every situation that one goes through,
Obstacles will stand in their way.
Most just solve the problem and move on,
But my reminders will forever stay.
A slash over here, and a cut over there,
On top of my arm is a burn.
These scratches and gouges are nothing to me,
But to others, a great concern.
Some can avoid their troubles by forgetting,
Or keeping them bottled inside.
But i just choose do do it different,
It’s nobody’s business but mine.
June 2003
Shame
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
Silent on the cold hard floor
Hateful feelings forevermore
A wasting addiction, hard to break
Hoping to stop before it’s too late
Endless thoughts circle around
Staring shamefully at the ground
Praying hard for all it’s worth
What is the point, here on earth?
Why won’t it stop and be perfectly good?
Back to normal, like it should
Hoping things will all be fine
Gone be the sinking feeling of mine
May 2003
Tired
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
I’m tired of all the conflict.
Tired of all the fighting.
Tired of all the hatred.
I’m tired of all the people
Tired of all the sighing
Tired of all the puting down
Tired of all the whining
I’m tired of all the feelings
Tired of all emotions
Tired of all so many
of the false devotions
I’m tired of all the boys
Tired of all the lying
Tired of all the things they say
Tired of all the denying
I’m tired of always feeling bad
Tired of always crying
Tired of all the bullying
Tired of people dying.
April 2002
Where?
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
Where did it go?
This life i used to know?
Joy and happiness
a hug’s tender caress
gladness and glee
and being carefree
these feelings i feel
i want them to heal.
i’m counting the days till when
i could be me once again
June 2003
Devoid
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
She looks about the spinning room
For something to satisfy.
Not specifically knowing what for,
Just something to dis-belie.
Dozens of emotions racing around
She’s frantic and devoid.
Feels as if she’s ripped apart
She’s disgusting and destroyed.
Cumbersome, deluded, slightly insane.
Her mind has no restrictions, no guardrails.
She tries to get it back on track
But every time, she fails.
March 30, 2004
Empty
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
I feel so cold, so empty
When I sit and think about it.
It’s like a place in my mind where I want to go
But my heart will not permit.
My gaze has bored a hole into
The wall I’m staring at.
Body’s turned to stone again
My heart rate has gone flat.
Hostility pours out with my blood
As I remember in disbelief.
But physical pain I do not feel
Just calmness and relief.
March 30, 2004
Wonder
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
I wonder, if I were gone tomorrow,
would anybody know?
would there be a difference?
Would it even show?
Nobody’d move a muscle.
Nobody’d ask around
They’d probably feel better
that i’d be nowhere found.
Would anybody be sad?
Would anybody shed a tear?
They would just be glad
that i am not here.
What if something happened,
and this was my last day on earth?
Would i have been treated different?
What is my life even worth?
I wonder, if I were gone tomorrow,
would anybody know?
would there be a difference?
Would it even show?
March 2002
Shameful
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
I shared with you a part of me
And I’ll never get it back.
It was fine until you left me.
And now that empty space is black.
My mind is spinning round and round
Inside this endless place.
For every time I close my eyes
I can only see your face.
I gave you my virginity
In return I got your lust.
I didn’t gain anything
But a lesson learned in trust.
March 3, 2004
Unlock
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
Sadness lurks eagerly around
Happiness, miles from here
Living only means confusion
And living a life of fear.
I need some clarity in my head
I need it in my heart
I need the love back, need the warmth
To fix what was torn apart.
I anxiously wait without much hope
For my freedom day to arrive
For I don’t know how much longer
I can stand to be alive.
Take me with you
I need to go now
I want to flee
But I don’t know how.
Let me go far away
Free me from this world of lies
Take off these chains
And let me fly!
February 21, 2004
Restricted
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
The anger boils inside my skin
The pain is so unbearing.
Oh how I wish to cry those tears
As they softly rest on my chin.
I try so hard to weep sometimes
But nothing ever comes
It’s just disappointment once again.
If I could, I’d tell you how I feel
If I could find the words
If I could find the hidden message
Maybe it would reveal
The missing piece in my life’s puzzle
The piece that makes it whole
And the piece that makes it real.
July 10, 2004
Fast-Forward
Copyright, Alyssa Marie
Fast-forward this nightmarish dream
So I may be awoken
Because my feelings, to him are unseen
My bleeding heart is broken
The pain I feel from his ignorance
Is like that of a paper cut
Its not like it’ll ruin my life
But still, it hurts so much!
For Joe Reza, February 19, 2005
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