Sarah M

Up

Well, it started n 8th… I started bulimia, I felt really fat, and it didn’t help that I was told it by my brother, over and over… Then in 10th grade, I went a step further, and decided to cut. My best friend had been doing it, and I didn’t understand it then… But I do now. Well I tried it one day, and I understood why she did it. She stopped, and is normal now (she was bulimic too). Now I can’t seem to escape this need to cut… I just cut last night (those cuts are not on the picture). My brother fucked up again. Got caught with marijuana, dumb fuck, he’s probably gonna get sent away. Will do him good though. I can’t seem to not cut. Anything will upset me nowadays… I’ll even cut my weekend short at a friend’s house, to go home and cut. I’ll cut when i’m bored or even when I feel there’s no escape. Unlike most SI’ers, I don’t cut my wrists. I wear too many short sleeves for that. I started out cutting my hand. Then I moved to my leg. The cuts on my hands look like life-lines, but I do have scars on my leg. And like I said, this picture isn’t of my most recent cuts, but I tried.

Like I said before, I do cut. I had stopped for exactly twenty-three days. Then things just couldn’t seem to go my way. Everything was falling apart, and here I am today. Still a cutter. My friends had done a type of ‘intervention’. They said I was going downhill, and I needed help. I don’t need help! They just don’t understand. They see me smiling and happy, when I’m around them. But that’s just it! It’s only when I’m around them. I come home to this house, and I can’t find a way out. I was in the middle of my ‘no-cutting’ time period, but they decided I needed the help anyways, because I had begun taking out anger on my hand again. I wasn’t cutting, but I was still SI’ing. I was taking a safety pin, and digging it into my wrist, then pulling of the skin. I had exposed a lot of underlayer, and even had done it in class, and had found myself bleeding very badly. My friends didn’t only find my SI’ing wout of hand, but also my drug dealing (which was only one time, because one of my friends told her mom, who promised me not to do it again), stealing, and the fact that I lose control over my temper. I had been in countless arguements and a fight, only over a one week period. I know hearing this makes it sound like I did lose control, but I didn’t. I wasn’t cutting, and that’s all that mattered to me. My friends didn’t know it, but I was also still throwing up, and continue to this day; I even think my throat is starting to give into the obsession. It hurts more and more each day. Well now I give, my cutting is part of my life. All I can do is cope with it now. Instead of trying to stop it, and control it. I’m going to embrace it. There are times, I fear someone will see, who doesn’t know about this habit, but it is part of me, and with the good, always comes the bad. I am still working on cutting, but I find I have more important things to deal with. It’s like I’m lost in another world. I don’t even hear the noise around me. For now, I choose to embrace every part of me…