Lil
My name is Lil and I’m 18 years old from San Francisco, CA. I’ve been anorexic since January of 2002 and cutting since April of 2003. I have been hospitalized once for the anorexia in March of 2004 after my weight dropped to 88 lbs. I had so many fresh cuts on my arms (39 from the past week, spent worrying that I was going to be hospitalized) that they put me on 24-hour watch for the first few days. I wish I could say that the hospital stay woke me up and I’m taking care of myself now. Nope. I’m still cutting and still wishing desperately that I could lose all the weight I’ve gained since I was hospitalized. These pictures are rather old, but I’ll be sending new ones when/if I have them.
Please visit my websites: www.ceruleanbutterfly.com (eating disorders) and www.rrose.ceruleanbutterfly.com (self-injury).
I have now been cut-free since October 25, 2004. I was in college, living in the dorms, and one night cut myself so badly that I needed nine stitches. One of my floormates told the dean, and I got in huge trouble. But I didn’t stop. A few weeks later, my therapist made me ‘contract for safety’ for a night — the only way I could do that was to handcuff myself to my bed and take some sleeping pills to calm down. Someone on my floor found out about it and told the dean again, and I was kicked out of the dorms. Less than an hour later, I was in a squad car on my way to the local psych ward because I told someone that that had made me feel suicidal. In order for me to be released and not have my hold (a 5150) extended, I had to sign a contract with my therapist, doctor, and parents stating that I would not cut anymore, and if I did, I would have to go into a residential treatment program. I was also not allowed to take diet pills or restrict. The psych ward incident also got me kicked out of classes. Fun. I’m not happy about being under this contract, but I don’t want to wind up in residential, so I’m living by it. I don’t think I’ll ever be free of the urge to cut.
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