James
Only just realized haw many people this affects. I have been doing this on and off for nearly twenty years. It’s all a blur how it begun. As a child I suffered with dyslexia and was made to feel stupid at school. My home upbringing is not to blame. The only aspect of my upbringing that could have any bearing on this is that if anything I was too well protected from the harsh sides life can bring you. I do have a problem with my emotions. I am very scared of getting too close to people because it always brings pain. In some weird way of thinking I would rather suffer alone than see any one else endure my torments. I am 33 now and not too long ago my life was the best it had ever been, and the happiest. Then bad things happened. My grandmother died, but I found a way in myself to accept this and I didn’t cut. To be honest, at that point I didn’t feel a need because I was in what I thought to be the most fantastic relastionship I could ever have dreamt of. Not too long after this my girlfriend walked out on me and she cut all contact. This has had the most devastating affect on my life to date. I have been in a very distressed situation ever since. For the first six weeks I drank very heavily and knocked myself out at night with sleeping tablets to avoid the nightmares. Then I started cutting again. I have been doing it regularly for about six weeks. I’m off the sleeping tablets but taking anti-depressants for the last 3 weeks. Not really sure if they have started to kick in yet as I feel so low. It is a terrible thing to keep this secret and a very difficult mental state to cope with. It all seems like a big catch 22. I know it’s not clever but there is an impulse inside so strong to relieve my inner pain. It is crazy but it keeps me from going too far, at the moment. This story probably sounds a little mixed up. And if anybody knew what I did they would find it hard to believe. I will keep searching for the answers and maybe now I know there are a lot more people who are not crazy do this I will eventually find my way out it.
