Canehdian Chick
My name is Canehdian Chick. I’m 21 years old from Canada, and I started SI when I was 14. Of course I didn’t really know what I was doing at the time but I had seen two of my friends doing it and I just started trying. I remember the first time I tried I was upset I knew that much but I never knew that cutting helped that yet. I had a knife and I remember barely pressing it on my skin because I was scared and still unsure of what I was doing or why. I don’t even remember if I actually got any cutting done but now that I know more I highly doubt that knife cut me. Now I don’t remember what happens after that all I know is that soon I was cutting with different things. Scissors, fingernails, exacto knives (however you spell it). I do remember it starting for attention. I knew I was doing it on purpose but after my grandmother passed away from cancer I was really messed up. Well at first I was glad she wasn’t in pain anymore I actually thought I felt better. Happy even. But that all drastically changed one day out of nowhere I just flipped. I remember I just realized it out of nowhere it’s like I went into shock just something inside of me snapped and I remember feeling extreme depression and loss and I started mourning her death it had been months. I don’t know why it took so long. I also don’t remember what happened if I cut or not but at some point I do remember that I started cutting myself with razor blades that I got out of my little pink razors and it started to feel good. It started calling to me. That blade it started making me its friend. Its dependant. It made me feel like I could always count on it. I feel weird saying all of this but I know that you guys understand because we have all been there. I went to the “psych ward” three times and met a lot of cool people. I actually liked it there except their over the top rules about not having even mirrors like my make up ones in case I smashed and used it for cutting. Even nail polish! Anyways I was very stubborn and resistant of their “groups” and “therapy” because unless you have lived it I feel that you have no idea what it’s like so how can you tell me to quit wheen you don’t know what it means to me? Anyways, I have many times cut myself after my brother, mom, dad, friends, whoever and I got into a fight. I was very depressed for a long time. Actually I’m in depression right now and I have been SI’ing again for a few months. It came as a surprise to me because I have been able to cope like writing my poems or talking to friends for the past few years. I have stopped many times for months at a time but when I start back up it can be hard to stop. I’m not as bad as I used to be and I don’t want anymore scars so I only do it lightly now, which doesn’t seem to be gratifying at all so I basically think I should make myself quit before I start cutting deep again and end up in the razor’s grasp because the razor is no longer my trusted friend. It is the thing that tries to manipulate me into its shiny grasps and keep me there needing it. It’s terrible so I am trying to help myself out of its grasp. Anyways, in closing I’d like to say please try and help yourselves get out of the rut because there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it feels much better to wear a t-shirt in the summer than a sweater because you are ashamed that people might see your secret. Also, if anyone wants to talk you can add me to MSN or e-mail me. If you e-mail then put “from psyke.org” in the subject so I know you’re not a virus: mailto:sugafly20@hotmail.com.
About my pictures: The bruises and welts were done with the metal part of a ponytail holder I snapped and snapped for a long time I broke a blood vessel and still have bruises on my wrist even though that was months ago. The cuts were done not even a week ago with a razor. Yeah, I need to quit. I hope I helped somebody. It helped me to get this all out and there is so much more to my personal story…
Update: I’m writing you again because I had a relapse. I ended up cutting again. The deepest ever and it scared me really bad. I’m not sure if I will ever cut again…
