BrokenOphelia

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The world is blurred. Everything around me is blurred. Has it moved that fast? The years go sailing by and they blur into one giant memory of self.

Where am I?

The blurring stops and I see white. On the white there is red. Tears stained red, streaked across the white surface. How did they get there? I can’t remember. I feel cold and empty. Am I dead?

Slowly my hearing comes back…

…Where has my heart gone?
trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I
I want to go back to
Believing in everything

I turn and I can see darkness. I am in a void between the two. Between the darkness and the white of the light. Slowly the white turns red, then also turns to darkness. I am alone.

I feel panic rising inside me. I am in the darkness all alone. Abandonned. I can’t remember who I am supposed to be anymore. I remember a shadow, of who I once was. I am not that anymore. I am something, or someone else.

Out of the darkness comes a blonde child. She holds a golden sphere in her arms. Inside the sphere I see all my happy moments, all happinesses I have experienced. Slowly the sphere and the child disintergrate into dust, into nothing.

Again, alone. The darkness is like a blanket, but is not warm and it holds no comfort. From that darkness come the figures. They are red. They surround me. From every side they bring pain. Millions of small moments of pain and helplessness all experienced at once. They grow and everything is red. I feel the scream building up inside of me. It’s inside of me. Like a wild animal. I release it into my pain.

So much pain. I can’t take the pain.

Can’t wash it all away
Can’t wish it all away
Can’t cry it all away
Can’t scratch it all away
Can’t fight it all away
Can’t hope it all away
Can’t scream it all away
It just won’t fade away

Pain is so much. The pain is what I am. I have let it consume me. I am back in the void. Cold and dark. Alone. Feeling only pain.

I am alone. I made myself alone. I pushed people away. I see their shadows in the back of mind. I see them turning and walking away from me. I feel their disgust, hatred, disappointment, regret and sorrow. It adds to my pain. Makes it greater. They could have saved me. I drove them away. Can’t save myself.

I feel the air rush past me. I am falling now. Falling hard and fast. I wonder when I will land. I wonder if the pain will get worse.

I feel myself land. On something soft. The pain is gone. It is replaced by a void inside me. The darkness around me is sucked inside me and I no longer feel.

Around me is a place. A sunset sky and a horizon. Slowly the sky is torn and words are carved into it.

Just in my mind
Not real life
I must be dreaming

Inside me a feeling grows, blossoms like a flower. A feeling of loneliness and helplessness. I cry out for help. I cry out for someone. Anyone. But I am alone.

Alone.

In a death I created.

About me

My name is Sally and I am an eighteen year old university student. I first started harming when I was ten. I would bite my arms and wrists until I bled. I didn’t know until much later that it was self harm. I started cutting when I was thirteen and since then I haven’t been able to stop. Whenever something gets too much then I have the urge to cut and it’s always so bad. It’s an addiction. I am really trying hard now I have started university to quit self harming because university was a new start for me and I want to start everything over, including letting my scars fade and making no new ones. The newest pictures here are from October, just after I started university. I was really unhappy and I slipped up after not hurting myself since June. I had been proud that I hadn’t hurt myself for nearly four months. I haven’t hurt myself now for a few weeks and I don’t want to anymore. I do want to get better. If you are thinking about self harm as a way of helping yourself to cope. Don’t try it. Once you start, it’s almost impossible to stop. Find another way before it’s too late to go back.

Anyone can contact me if they want to talk about how they feel. My MSN is brokenophelia and my YIM is angel_falling_into_darkness.