Autumn
This is why I feel the need to be extremely careful while around others, especially if I’m not wearing long sleeves. It’s a pain, but then I just feel like I can’t stop. I worry so much about the scars, but when I feel the need to cut, they don’t seem to matter.
I’m actually getting worse because I feel the cuts should be deeper. I’m not satisfied until I see a certain amount of blood, as insane as that might sound. A message to anyone who might be thinking about self injuring for the first time: Please don’t. After the first injury, you are usually addicted. In the twenty-three years I have been on this earth, I have done many types of drugs. Some which I felt I really needed every day. This feels like the most difficult addiction to kick, however. More so than any of the drugs I have done in the past.
Update: I just got out of the hospital for the second time this year. Both hospitalizations happened partly because of my self injury being severe, but recently, I was admitted because I was suicidal as well. I’ve battled depression, PTSD, self injury, and suicidal thoughts for the longest time now, that I really can’t think of a time when things weren’t a mess in my life. It’s as though a dark cloud follows me around everywhere I go, blocking the sun and anything else which is good. After being discharged from the crisis stabilization unit a few days ago, I’m feeling better than I have in a while. My medications are clearly doing a good job of lessening the pain of my depression and PTSD, but I know those things aren’t gone, and won’t be for a while. Also, I have managed to stay away from self injury since coming back home. Being someone who began self injuring at fifteen and is now twenty-four, I know the battle to remain SI free will be a long and rough one. I will always have way too many scars to remind me of the days I am hopefully leaving behind, and always have SI on my mind — there as one of my main coping mechanisms. Beating self injury is very possible, however, and I intend to win this battle. If anyone out there needs someone to talk to about self injury, I would be grateful to be that someone who’ll listen. Just drop me a message anytime, and I promise to get back with you ASAP.
