Psyke.org

Turtluv

Copyright, Turtluv

I have been a SI member from the age of thirteen. I say member because there are many of us out there who do it, and at first believe we are alone. With research and available info such as this I find I am not alone. I am not a freak. I am a person, a person with a problem. I am a 27 year old woman, and can recall the first time my mother frowned at me at my innocent expression of anger, confusion, sadness. I ran to her when my uncle molested me. I wanted to feel safe again, I wanted her to hold me. She gave me a quick hug, a pat on the hand and said “Honey, just forget that ever happened” and continued with an “and think twice before you tell your father.” I knew then I had fucked up. I should have just not said anything at all. I also recalled hearing my grandmother blaming me, because I was wearing shorts and what in her eyes were tight shirts, for an over developed thirteen year old. Damn them, I express my anger now in ways I can see, and feel. I recall now how I used to rush my little hands through my granmothers rose bushes, the stinging sensation still brings a sense of relief. I use to sit in my friend’s room and slash the inside of my arms because it felt so good. I didn’t cry in front of everyone, and the only time I expressed sadness was when I would see my mom turn away to leave. She left for a long time and signed me over to guardians. I was an extra mouth to feed. I couldn’t express myself at all for fear of getting kicked out. My escape was the privacy of the bathroom where I would punch the mirror because I was too chicken to punch myself. During drunken episodes I have thrown myself down staircases only to experience senseless bruises, but never a broken bone. I also broke the bottles of beer that I was drinking out of and took broken glass to my wrists. That really freaked my friends out, but i was fine. I think about doing things to myself still, but I fight it, I surf the web a lot, to find people like me, and it distracts me long enough. Thank You, and to my fellow members, we are not alone, resist, resist, resist, or write.

 

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