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Trappedsoul

My Story

Copyright, Trappedsoul

Well, I don’t really know if this will help me or others. Just think it’s about time I got my story out there. It’s so much easier this way. Not face to face, can’t see your reaction and maybe even your reaction wouldn’t be bad, I’d like to think I’m not totally alone in my pain.

Well, it started just after I turned 18. I’m now 19 and 20 in july, everything seemed to fall apart around me. How do you cope with changes in your life that you don’t want?

I live in a house with mum dad and older sister and two gorgeous cats. Please dont judge me for the things I may now write, you need to understand I’m not a bad person, I just can’t deal with my pain. My mother, well, she seems to have no morals. Her problems soon become mine, I’m like the mother. Maybe I’m wrong but I just don’t think she should load problems onto me when I can’t do anything about them, it’s unfair. My father, we’ve never really got on. Ever since he left my mum for the second time then came back it’s not been the same. I was 15 my mum wanted to go and drive her car normally fine but she was drunk really drunk. At 15 I shouldn’t have had that responsibility of hiding her car keys. Know what I mean? Then there’s my sister who before I start I love dearly, it’s not her fault it never has been. its just she has a rare disability called mobius syndrome, mentally ‘normal’ just not enough muscles in her face. The girl with no smile. You know to any parents or children reading this that may be relating to my sisters situation, realise although the child with the disability will need your support so does your other child/children. It’s unfair that I’ve never really had the support I needed and wanted with all my heart. But you know shit happens, what else can I tell myself.

I never really had boyfriends. Through school I was the fat girl with a few friends. That was enough for me. Got used to the bullys, got used to being ignored, got used to feeling less of a person. Then when I was almost 17 I met someone. Don’t want to go into it much, let’s just say I’ve now lost him. Through my fuckups I pushed him away to far to pull him back. So, anyway, I started scratching my skin. Don’t know why, still don’t. Don’t know how there could ever be a good enough reason for something that’s so wrong. There’s no possible explanation to me. Cuts got deeper, used scissors on the bottoms of my legs and a fine blades for the tops. Scratched the skin on both wrists (told them I fell over, they believed me). It’s amazing how easy it is to hide your true pain from the people you live with. It almost hurts that they never noticed. Then again, I’m a good actor! I must be. Until october 31st 2003. This is the day I gave up. I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. Couldn’t see a way out of my pain, I was just at a total dead end. The lowest point of my short life. I took an overdose; it’s even hard just to type, let alone feel it. And I recovered in hospital. Obviously my family found out that I self harm. They want to change me, make me better. What they will never understand, and what some of you may not either, but I will never be better. I don’t want to be made better. I want to find my way, find my path and succeed in my life knowing that I lived, I survived. I won’t ever be made to forget that. I have not cut or scratched since a few weeks before christmas. All my cuts are now scars that haunt me every day. But that’s OK because I chose to do it and like everything in life there are consequences to our actions. I don’t know why I cut, why I’ve stopped or whether I will do it again. All I know is that I want to live. I want a career, a family, a husband, a future. I want life, and I will get it. Yes, I do have really low days but, you know, who doesn’t? We all have low points, but we also all have high points. We can all survive. With just a little hope.

Don’t know how many of you will read this but I hope I at least help one person or make one of you think that no matter what you have gone or is going through you can live. Death and pain is not the only option. Life is more.

Thank you for your time.

 

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