Psyke.org

Tonya

Copyright, Tonya

I am a cutter too. I’ve seen and read a lot about the people on this page. I was amazed to find out there are so many others like me. I live in Jonesboro, AR. I was 12 when I first started cutting. I put “rebel” in my arm. The only word I had ever cut in it. My so to speak friend began to mock me. It hurt. And I cut myself again. I began to feel the anger being released from me like cutting was some escape. And it continued for a very long time. Odd cuts on my body. I burned myself. I made two huge marks that bled from scratching myself on my chest. I remember when it got so bad the first time. My friend turned me in. A lot of pople did. And I was sent to St. Bernards. I was inpatient for three months and I thought I got better. I had a few short relapses after being discharged. It’ll be one year Oct. 31 since I went in. I have made uncontrollable marks on myself since my last relapse. I need help again and I know it. I know if I don’ t stop this could easily turn into suicide. I know God is there and I know he hurts when I cut. But I know too that it has become such an addiction, the blood flow. How dark the blood gets in some spots, the way they look after they stop bleeding. It’s overtaking. And this week. With it being Oct. 14 I’m going to try to get myself inpaitent again. My biggest fear is they won’t accept me. Only then can I really be watched and stopped. Therapy is not enough. And I’m a danger to myself. I have so many friends. Some really do care. I know. And I thank everyone that does. And I only pray that if I end up going too far… that you will remember and love me. I hope some of you will be there when I feel like going that far. Thank you.

 

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