Psyke.org

Tonie

My Sad Life

Copyright Tonie

My name is Tonie and I am sixteen years old. I have self-harmed for four years. I can remember being with my friend and I could see loads of cuts on her arms and I demanded to know what she was doing. She told me that she cut herself to make herself feel better when she got upset and I thought she was stupid and demanded her to stop. But it didn’t end there.

In high school I couldn’t take the pressure of the work and all the bullying I received for being a ‘swot’ and I received the ‘swot treatment’ and I used to get really upset and cry myself to sleep at night it got so bad. One day I was doing homework and I’d had a bad day and took my sharpener and did a small slit on my arm. It felt good and I did it again and again and again all over both my arms. The problem was I had to hide it from my friends so in PE (even summer) I would wear a jumper to cover my arms from the rest of the world. One day in PE my best friend saw and wanted an explanation I couldn’t give her one. She told my other friend (the one who self harmed before) and they both went to a senior teacher at school. I knew what she wanted me for when she took me out of my lesson and wanted to see my arms I knew I had to show her. Although we started something up to stop the bullying I still did it in secret because of the pressure my mum put on me to do well in my SAT’s in year 9. My mum and brother used to argue loads and I didn’t like it so out came my shiny friend. Year 10 came, GCSE mocks, which meant more pressure. I had no confidence in myself and I joined the Army Cadet Force. Year 11 came more pressure for my final exams I couldn’t cope with the work and the pressure my mum was putting on me to do well and I knew she wouldn’t be happy if I let her down. I couldn’t talk to her about it. I couldn’t tell her to stop pressuring me. I had to deal with it and in the only way I knew.

Also, my grandfather died and I couldn’t talk to anyone. I would sit in my room for ages and just cut each time getting deeper each time inflicting more pain than the one before it. After my GCSE exams had taken place I went on camp, a field craft exercise. One of the adults saw and I was taken out of the field, my rifle was taken off of me and I was taken home. This I had no choice over I had to obey them.

The Army Cadet Force suspended me for two months in June. They said that in these two months I had to sort myself out and get help then I would be allowed to return. Two months later, August 2005, I went back and they said it was for the best if I didn’t return as I was still ‘a risk’. I was distraught and I went home and cried and cut. They had blackmailed me into getting help with no intentions of letting me return. Now I have enrolled for 6th form the pressure is on now more than ever I still cut more now as I am finding it hard to keep up with all the work as it’s hard. I did get help I have to see a psychiatrist in the near future when the appointment is made but I know I won’t stop instantly. I am hooked and nothing will make me stop, not now, not yet. My arms are covered in scars from all the cutting. I am ashamed at what I am doing but I can’t help it. Now I am nearly seventeen and I am getting help. However, I don’t know if it will help me or make it worse but for now I hide it and still do it. Feel free to email me on witchstillintraining@hotmail.com. I will be happy to talk to you.

 

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