Psyke.org

Tina

Abuse

Copyright, Tina

I grew up in a very violent home. My father used to hit my mother on a regular basis and made me watch. Ever since the break up my guilt has worsened. I wish I had stopped him. For the last three years now I have been self harming and about three months ago I tried to commit suicide. For the last year and a half I have been on antidepressants and gone to see a psychologist. I was coping relatively well until reciently when they said they are going to take me off their books and I feel so alone. I really want to cut and I fear I am close to the dangerous edge once again…

Untitled

Copyright, Tina

My names Tina and I’ve been a “cutter” for over five years now. I think it all started when my grandmother died but that wasn’t really it. When I was in 6th grade I felt all alone with nobody there for me. My friends knew of this game called the ABC game it’s where you’re scratching someone and saying the ABC after every letter the person has to come up with a word that stats with a letter. well this is how I figured out that my pain can be a release. But saying this isn’t really true, I felt no pain ever the worse it is the less I feel. Well anyways after I learnt of this game I started to scratch in one spot till it was raw it would never bleed. It wasn’t about the blood till later on. I found myself doing it after every fight or altercation I had with anyone. I hadn’t started cutting really till one day when me and my family were living in a hotel and my mom was going to take me to a friends house. She accused me of using some kind of perfume that I didn’t use. She got mad like she always did and turned around to take me back to the hotel. Back in the room she called me a lying bitch and slapped me across the face. This was my big cutting, I had locked myself in the bathroom and saw the razor almost right away. I cut from ankles to hips and wrists to elbows. It was such relief that I broke down crying. I didn’t cry because of any pain (cause I didn’t feel any at all) it wasn’t because of my mom it was because the emotional pain had left I had found a way out and I was happy. Since then I did not stop cutting I dropped out of school because of it lost a lot of friends and came into drugs… While still cutting. I haven’t cut in I think two weeks which is a big accomplishment for me. I get the urge to do it every day, every hour, every minute even. I’m short tempered from the fact that I have no outlet besides my anger. Everyone I know knows I cut but they choose not to acknowledge it for reasons of their own. My dad has threatened me but even if I do cut again no one would know because I wear pants all the time never anything above my knees and that’s where I cut, the top of my thighs. I’ve learnt not to do it on my arms and if I do it’s one little cut so I blame it on my cat. Anyways I’ve only been able to last two weeks because I write poetry and I write down my thoughts and when I wanna cut and it’s bad I put four sheets of paper on my arm and take a red pen and scratch till it goes through the paper then I stop. It helps in a way. I’d still rather cut but I try not to. If anyone ever needs to talk you can e-mail me at tnmckninny@yahoo.com or crimsomwaves@yahoo.com or sweetcaketina@hotmail.com. I’m always on and I’m a good listener.

Untitled

Standing outside my own body I see the crimson water ripple,
the door opens to let enter a woman weeping,
she sees my naked body swallowed by the red waves.
Drip… Drip… Drip… The sound of blood pounding the floor.
Wrists cut with blades of healing,
veins pump to cleanse.
Can you see the pain I had that is no longer there?
Can you see the broken heart within my corpse?
do you see the darkness slipping from me?
I do, how can you not see this…
This darkness that empowered me to take what was dear…
The one thing left of my miserable life and I took it…
My soul dies with me as I disappear.

Untitled

Copyright, Tina

I have a very strong feeling of wanting to self-injure tonight but I thought maybe if I write about it I can get through tonight and maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I have been stuffing my feelings for a while and the ones I was able to talk to about have moved away and now I am back to where I have been so many times. Alone again. This is the way it has been since I was nine years old after my dad passed away. He was my best friend and my hero even though he drank all the time and when he would come home drunk I would lay in bed and listen to my dad yelling and hitting my mom and mom would try to come to where we were and he would drag her back down the hall. But the few times that he wasn’t he was a great person and he would give his shirt off his back. But there was not to many of those times and after my dad died my mom wasn’t there much. She was working and going out and waking up to fights in my home at all hours of the night. As a family we would go camping and hunting and we went to a dance hall made for families but they served alcohol and mom and dad had yelling fights all the time. You knew they were angry when they didn’t talk all the way home and then they would fight. There is so much that has happened in my life that it could take writing a book to write it all but in it all I started cutting and other self-injuring just to get through each day. Just to deal with life and I was too afraid to try to take my life because of not getting it done right. I have been hurt so bad in my life by what I have seen and what has been done to me that my soul is in so much pain and it feels like I am being eaten alive from the inside out. Self-injuring is my way of crying where no one can see my pain. It is a way of making sure I don’t mess up again. I have to be perfect and I can’t fall short because that is the way it has to be.

I also hated food for a long time. I stopped eatting and when I was put in the place which didn’t happen too often I would make myself get sick and would take laxatives and excersize all the time and it was for two or three hours at a time. I drank and used drugs also. I have been in and out of the hospitals more then I can count on both hands. But about a year ago I was hit by a car and they took blood to make sure all was OK but it wasn’t, they said that I could die at any time. Just drop dead with no warning because my potassium level was really, really low. I had to take a pill for about a month. I now eat but I still have a hard time. I find myself going though the day without eatting and I don’t think twice about it. At one time I also stopped taking fluids as well and it took about two days with an IV in my arm to get my kidneys to start working right and I damaged them and to this day my kidneys don’t work totally right.

I have been doing OK not cutting and it has been a while seen I have but I think about all the time.

I can keep writing but this is not helping it is making me want to do it even more than ever so I need to go. In fact I am not sure why I am going to send this but I am going to. Maybe it well help someone. I would never wish for someone to have to live the life I have but I have been told that I am not alone there is others out there that has it even worse than me so maybe there will be someone not cutting even if it just one time or it helps someone stop then maybe writing this could be a good thing.

Fear No Pain

Copyright, Tina

I have no fear of the blade it my true friend and I can tell it everything. Pain I can’t feel as the blade cuts through the skin right to the soul.

No one can be told that the blade is my friend and is like a therapist that said no words but hears all my pain and the cry of the soul as the bloody tears run down my face.

I have lost all hope and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

As the night falls and the home becomes quiet me and my friend begin to talk silent words that only me and my friend the blade can hear and it starts with the first cut and then the next and then I stand there and watch each drop of blood as it runs down my arm as a tear drop would if I could cry real tears.

I was told as a child that I was to be seen and not heard and to never talk about the pain I felt and to forget the bad things that happen to me it was a secret, not to be told to anyone.

I lost my dad at very young age and he was my best friend and my hero. Bullies in school was a total nightmare I feel for all the kids as well as older people that take their own life. It makes me really sad I feel their pain you may not understand my words that I just wrote but I do.

Untitled

Copyright, Tina

I am doing the best I can. Some days are easier than the next. I have to keep the self-injuring to myself from my family. I can’t let them know that I return to the one lifeline that I know and have been doing since I was twelve years old. It’s my only way to quit the pain that lives and eats at my soul. It gives me the control back that was taken from me so many times and so much more I tell about in the things I have written to your website. I am so thankful for your website.

I hate life as much as I do myself but because I believe in God and the bible that if I take my life I would go to hell and I feel like I already live there every day. But trying to put into words right know what I am trying to say. I am not crazy. I am no different than the next person but I have been been labeled as being crazy. But I never asked for what life has given me but self-injuring is my way and my lifeline. It’s my way of crying, seeing the blood run down my arm. It gives me relief and the control back and it quiets my soul and eases the pain. The words are really hard for me to find tonight but I’m doing the best I know how at this time. I have talked to the friend that moved away and she knows that I started self-injuring again and I have been trying to get out to where they are so I can get the help I need but I don’t know if I can be helped. I am still being treated for injuries that I got from being hit on my bike a year ago by a car while crossing a road in the crosswalk and this is one of the reasons I didn’t get to go with my friend when they moved. It wasn’t my fault I got hit I just have to deal with the injuries. I hope you understand what I wrote in this letter if you don’t please tell me I don’t want to be missunderstood.

Untitled

Copyright, Tina

I sit here watching the burned skin being removed by a razor of a young kid and he has to remove layer after layer until there is no more burned skin. As he scrapes each layer the blood begins to fall to the floor drop after drop until the bad has been removed. Today I won a victory. I took back what’s mine again and I will not let it be taken again.

Today I let the silent tears run free again and as I watch the bloody tears run down my arm into the sink I started to feel the relief and today that was a victory. One that no one will know about. It’s my secret once again, no one can know that I once again have taken to the one thing I know that will give me relief and is my lifeline to getting through the day.

Today I found my friend that I can depend on. It will not let me down. I am in control of it and it’s my way to take back what I couldn’t control. The hateful words, the car that hit me when I was six and took away what I could have been in life. This is what goes between me and death like I said it’s my lifeline, it’s my freedom from the monsters that eat at my heart and soul and the pain that life has given to me.

I also do this to make sure I don’t keep messing up. I have to be perfect. I am not supposed to make mistakes, because if I say this to anyone they tell me I am not supposed to be that way and mistakes are OK but they’re not. I can’t let anyone know, please understand I hate me and everything about me I am bad and dirty and I sould be left to rot away even if it’s at my own hands.

Untitled

Copyright, Tina

My message is no different then any other self-injuring person’s.

My heart and soul has been ripped out of me and ripped and torn beyond repair.

For years I have been able to hide the victories that I have won and the relief I get form the self-injuring. It was mine but one day I took a razor and started to cut and I cut all the way to my soul and I did it over and over and the whole time I felt nothing but the relief that came with each cut. I was in control.

Each cut I could see my heart and soul start to cry silent tears.

Each one of the tears as they fell down the drain I could hear a silent scream that could only be heard by my soul.

But the control I started with in the beginning was lost and I just kept cutting more and I would close my eyes and push so hard that I began to feel the skin as it ripped open as I pulled the razor across the skin of my arms.

I then took back control, or I thought I did. I got in the tub and started to cut but I just cut the surface enough to get the bloody tears to come.

I started getting the relief from the pain that was eating my heart and soul and this time I was was angry and it also was gone and that’s when I started to clean myself up. The surface cut stopped easly but I had cut my arms so bad that I couldn’t get the bloody tears to stop.

I then wrapped my arms up and got on my bike and went to a special friend that had asked me about my self-injuring and was working alongside with a therapist that was working with me.

I wanted so bad to stop the bloody tears but I couldn’t so I was hoping she could help me stop it and she came to the bathroom where I asked her to help me. But when I took the wraps off she said to me that she had to take me to the hospital and I begged her please to make it stop but she told me that it was beyond her help so I had no choice, I had to go.

The doctor and the other staff were great. They took good care of me and by this time I was weak from the loss of blood and in a lot of pain and I was bleeding so much I felt every stich because the numbing meds just bleed out though the deep cuts.

I am very thankful for my very special frind and her family. There are no words to tell how special she is to me to this day even tought she is miles away we talk all the time and she know when things are not so good for me and she knows when I have cut I don’t even have to say a word and she just knows. I did get better and I was plased on three different meds to get things back in control. I have done OK but the meds haven’t stopped the pain it just eased it for a short time. But I still want to cut and self-injure but once again I have to hide it from my family. But I know that my friend will know even though there are no words said between us.

I am not sure were I am going with this at frist this was supposed to be a short poem to help someone know that they’re not alone and that I don’t know if my words well help and now it has turned in to a story that is a part of me and it’s so many more. Just about two days ago a small boy about eight years old said how he hurts himself when he’s messing up and he said he hurts himself even more when he breaks one of his toys and it’s not that I was really talking to him he was just talking out loud to whoever would listen to his words. It made me so sad to hear his words. It’s like the saying there goes me. I just wanted to take that child into my arms to help keep him safe from what was causing his pain. I also know that he is going down a road that I have already been down.

I have come to a point that I can’t find any words to go on so I well stop here. But there comes a point that my words can’t be understood by anyone because I have returned to what I know and it’s my lifeline to freedom from the hell I have to live with that was caused by heartless people that live to destroy my heart and soul. And I may be here in body but I have already died inside.

My life has been taken by cold and heartless people but I pray that my words can reach someone before they have to go done the road that I have been down and reach out to someone before it is too late for them like it is for me. I lost the fight years ago and the only part that exists is my soul, the rest has already died.

Untitled

Copyright, Tina

It has been up and down the past few months. I want to cut so bad that I can taste the blood even though I haven’t cut yet. My life has been turned up-side down. I have been placed on meds that are supposed to help me but they have not stopped the will to want to cut.

Just about 2 months ago I was taken to the ER to have stitches put in both arms — 130 of them. That was a victory for me because it means I won one more time. But the truth is I lost control and lost a lot of blood and was in the ER for almost 8 long hours and had a lot of time to think and had a doctor that was good to me and he was unable to numb my arms because the med that was used to numb them just bled out.

It has been so hard for me every day not to cut and I have a real hard time to truly cry and that means through my eyes not through the blood that runs from the cuts that are so deep and was my tears. Maybe someday I will truly be free from the victory won by cutting deep and long and I won’t have to hide from others and maybe someday the things I have written well help someone to get better or it well help stop a person from doing it ever and they can find the answers they’re looking for through God and they’re real, true friends. I myself have made a family that loves me no matter what and when I have to cut they are there for me and when I am fighting not to cut they will sit with me and we talk for hours and will sit with me until I fall asleep and so much more and maybe if I get better I can help others to get better too and do the same that this family has done for me and most of all what God above has given to me too and that he loves me no matter what.

I fight myself and if I get through a day without cutting or something else to hurt myself that is a true victory.

Untitled

Copyright, Tina

I was close to going through with my plan to lose control with the razor until my death. I tried to relieve the pain by using bleach to burn to the soul to quit it and to ease the pain but it didn’t even get close and the relief didn’t last long. It was only a first degree burn. His words cut right through me and he was right I could do better so I decided it was time to go through with my plan, all I had to decide was when.

That night after class I got some razors and alcohol to help me get numb so I would be able to do the job right so my doctor would be proved. But I went to a special friend. They’re like family and we played games and talked and I took my first med and then I was ready to leave one of my special friends said she wanted what was in my pocket. At first I denied it but she pushed and when I told her I was not giving it up this time she and her husband was not going to let me leave but after an hour my meds kicked in and she decided that it wouldn’t do any good to take them because I had more so she let me leave. At first it scared me I thought she had given up on me. So as I got up I handed her the razors and went home. Just before I left she said I had a lot of choices to make and needed to make it the next day.

That night the work of God was working with my friend because there was no way she could have known that I had the razors In my pocket and she told me she didn’t know I had them she felt it like a message was sent from God above and told her I had them and that I was on the edge of death by taking my own life.

This don’t mean I am out of the woods on going though with my plans only time will tell. I am tired of fighting the pain that eats at my soul little by little it’s becoming too much but because of my specials friends interfering and knowing the signs of suicide and someone that SI I don’t know where I would be. I believe I would be in the hospital or dead. I am glad that God above intervened and put really special friends in my path.

I am not sure were I stand but I know I don’t want to do SI but it’s my life and it’s just like a person that is addicted to drugs; they can’t stop overnight and SI is my lifeline and it frees me from my pain and it quits the soul even if the relief only lasts a short time but also know it could lead to my death.

Crying

Copyright, Tina

Here I sit with tears in my eyes for the pain I have caused for so many.

I want to withdraw and pull back inside myself. It’s the best thing I can do.

I have to laugh and smile no matter how I truly feel.

I need to be alone with my pain and turn back to what I know and that’s self-injuring and hiding it until it takes me to my death. It can be a cold life that I should only live and not pull my special friends in with me. I have already pulled one down and I really hate myself for that and I have to pay for the pain I caused to one of my special friends. I am truly sorry for it but how can I tell her.

The tears are running down my face. I can’t take much more. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s an everyday fight and I’m getting tied of the fighting. I have nothing left. I live in a place I hate. I am dealing with health problems that no one believes is a problem and I’m losing my hearing and I can say more but who wants to hear about it. I have no real words to tell the true pain I feel and what it’s like as it eats at my soul; little by little, inch by inch. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I am just a shell that walks the earth. I have no feelings left and the only way I know how to cry is by cutting and the blood is my tears. Tonight I have tears that come from my sad eyes but I don’t feel them and it didn’t last long. I pulled them back.

The crying I do from here on out I have to pull back in to myself and the tears I cry will not be heard by no one again. They will be silent and I will take them to my grave in silence.

So if you read this and are thinking about self-injuring please get help. I don’t ever want anyone to go though the pain that I have and it’s a road that has no end until your death, and hiding it is like a bad nightmare that never ends. I started SI when I was age 12 and it’s a never ending road that can only end in death.

If there was anything I could say to help someone not start SI or I could help someone to stop I would, but I have no words to do that. I myself have gone beyond being able to be helped. I have tried to stop but within days or a month I turn back to SI to be able to get one more day of hell and yet I know in my mind I am only a cut away from death and will be free from the hell I live each day and free from the images that live in my mind and my soul.

From the Heart

Copyright, Tina

What I am about to write is not a poem but it comes from my heart.

Today I took a razor but I couldn’t numb the feeling. I could feel each cut as it cut deep into my soul. Each cut was painful but I had to do it to free the painful tears. I cut what seem forever the bloody tears ran into the sink.

I am tired of running I just want to give into my thoughts and become free forever and go to where there is no more pain. Go to the place were I don’t have to hurt myself anymore to be free of the pain that eats my soul and that has broken to the point of no return.

The nightly nightmares I have are so real that I have gotten hurt trying to get away from them.

I have tried everything to kill my thoughts, from drugs to self-injury, but it only lasts as long as they are made to.

There are days I sleep as long as I can, so I don’t have to face the day.

Sometimes when I start cutting I don’t ever want to stop. I want to take it to the extreme until I never wake up again. But in the end of the SI it turns out to be a fantasy that I have to hide from all and the cuts are so deep into the soul that they are still a victory in my eyes.

So until I find that one way so that I can get to the extreme of no return I will hold on to the one thing that helps me face each day and the friends that can’t be taken away and a silent way to let the soul cry in secret that no one can know.

I have only one way to survive the hell I live each day in my thoughts. I am not crazy I am just like you but I am just trying to survive my insecurities and get back control that men have taken from me.

The razor is so caring and it takes away the pain it always wants to help me when I am in need. It takes away the painful images. My SI is my best friend that I don’t have, it never let me down.

SI cut through the depression, it feels the emptiness I feel. Self injury is what keeps me going. I use it for self sentence of punishment each time I mess up our fail. There is so much I would like to say but I must go and ease the pain and quit the soul and one more time I will win the victory that I well hide. But some day I will win the fight and be free to fly again and that will be soon and it will be done at my hands in a place that no one will find me until it’s done.

My Story

Copyright, Tina

I started doing self-injury when I was about 14 years old. It was my way to free myself from the things I didn’t have control of, and a way to deal with my mother’s sister that lived with us. When I caused self-injury it was my way of releasing my tears and punishing myself for my mess-ups. It’s an ongoing battle.

I am in control of how far I go and when it’s time to stop. It’s like a security when there is nothing else. It’ OK to self-injure because I am not hurting anyone but me. But I am not really hurting me either. I feel nothing until it’s done and then the pain I feel makes me feel free and it is my secret. As long as I can take care of it and no one sees it. If someone sees it I have to make up a story to cover it up. I hope my story helps someone. Even though I still self-injure, I don’t want to see anyone have to go through this.

My Secret

Copyright, Tina

The razor begins to cut
out comes the bright red blood
then comes the relief from the
pain and the monster inside
It is my secret because no one
well understand why I do such things
to be free.

 

Permanent location: http://www.psyke.org/personal/t/tina