Psyke.org

Sera

Copyright Sera

I’m twenty-five now but starting self harm when I was only young. I actually can’t remember the first time I just remember starting to burn my hands when I was ten or eleven, with boiling hot water.

It would seem really strange to others why I self harm and why have so few scars from it.

Because throughout my life I’ve had multiple surgeries (eight) on my hips due to a mal-formation of my bones before I was born. (Bi-Lateral Hip Dislocation).

And as I see doctors all the time and my parents used to keep a close watch on me I had to be careful how deep I’d cut myself. Plus there are other ways of causing pain and explaining away some scars. This is not an easy thing I’m sure most of you know. But I have had much practice over the years.

Beside the surgery I’ve have had an abusive father for longer than I can remember and although I know my family love me I am always needing to put on a front and be happy because you don’t show your feelings in my family or you’re laughed at and told to grow up and stop trying to get attention.

This caused me great pain. Trying to hold in all my pain and anger, while dealing with isolation and boyfriends who didn’t treat me right, and then I was raped. This seemed to be the time I made some scars on my wrists, I was totally out of it and couldn’t control myself.

When I thought I had found the love of my life and the one I would marry I stopped cutting for over two years, and even moved out with him to get away from my family and felt safe.

But then all his issues, depression and blame pushed me back into that dark hole I was once in. And I started self harming again even worse. When he tried to kill himself and said it was my fault, it crushed any love for myself I had left, which wasn’t much. I wanted to die for a long time after that.

I tried to take all the meds I could, cut and drink my way through it and was stuck in bed for a year. When my mum brought me home, knowing I was depressed I thought I’d get the support I needed but it was all ignored. I was told to get over it, it was nothing and everything would be better but I couldn’t see beyond the pain and anger I was in — that dark hole had swallowed me up and I couldn’t see the way out.

But then I met my current boyfriend who is the very first person I told and talked about it with. It has been rocky and I constantly feel guilty when I cut because I know I have promised to tell him and I see the pain in his eyes when he asks why and I can’t explain it. I wish I could stop and I hate myself constantly, pain gives me the relief and control I need. I have so much I need to deal with but can’t, not yet. But at least I know if something happens I have someone to love me and stick by me, no matter what.

He knows the truth, well most of it. There are still things I can’t tell him, not yet. But I hope one day I can tell him everything and maybe one day I can feel normal, whatever that is.

I actually have a degree in Youth Work (like social work but focused on youth) and it frustrates my every day that I can’t counsel myself. My boyfriend tells me I have a gift of helping others but he wishes I could look after myself. I wish I could love myself enough too. If you want to talk or just someone to listen please e-mail me and I’ll give you my Yahoo and MSN IDs, even if I can’t help myself just yet I may be able to help others.

 

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