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Saz

Copyright, Saz

I didnt understand how I felt, and why I was feeling so upset. I was 13 and up till then nothing had been so bad but then I felt like I just wanted to end my misery and everyone else’s. I thought all the problems that other people had were caused by me and I wanted to die. I suppose that’s why I started cutting. I got a knife out of the drawer and held it to my chest I couldn’t see, my eyes were filled with tears. I couldn’t bring myself to actually kill myself so I brought the knife to my arm and that was two years ago, and now it has been nearly 3 weeks since I last did it, I am trying to stop. Things were getting better after the first year until a few months ago. Me and my friend have both cut ourselves before and no one else knew it was hard admiting to each other, but we had both seen the scars on eachother’s arms and both knew how they got there. Me and my friend stayed round one of our mates houses and she asked us if we had ever self harmed, we both didn’t want to lie to her so we told her we had done it before. We thought that no one else knew, but I was speaking to one of my other friends a few months after we told our mate and she said nothing stays secret we all know that you both cut yourselves. We were really shocked and upset how could she do that to us! All our friends knew and we felt betrayed and upset. The cutting was starting to get bad for me then I did it after school then later that evening then before school, I felt alone and I felt I was getting addicted. Then one of my friends told me that she had told two other girls and her mum, I couldn’t believe it, everyone was saying they told someone else because they were worried and wanted to help… But they knew it wouldn’t help. Then I felt really guilty that my friend’s mum knew, and my own mum didn’t, I felt I was such a bad daughter so I eventually built up the courage to tell her. In a way I wish she didn’t know because she sometimes asks questions and I don’t want to answer and I don’t and then that makes me feel worse that I can’t talk to my own mum. In a way I am glad that some people know as it has made me try and stop and some friends have been supportive and said that I can talk to them. It is nice to feel that I am not alone.

 

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