Psyke.org

Sara

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Copyright, Sara

My story is to show all of you that you’re not the only one that has to go through this.

I started cutting when I was eleven years old and the reason why I did it was because I felt so alone. I had a low self-esteem and I felt like no one liked me. I felt like everybody hated me. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me. I just wanted to die. I cried every night in my bed and asking God to take me away from this pain. Later on I went into depression. I wasn’t myself anymore. I would cut on my left wrist about four or five times a day and when I did it it was like a relief inside of me that made me happy for just that one moment. I loved doing it but I got even more depressed that I started to do it deeper hoping that it got to my vein but it didn’t. Now I’m twelve years old and I’m seeing my school counsellor and I’m getting ready to tell my mom. I just hope she will understand my pain.

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Copyright, Sara

I am a college student, but I have been a cutter since my seventh grade year. I am writing to tell you my experience with suicide in the hopes to deter anyone else from harming themselves.

This past summer was hell. I knew it right from June and straight through till August when classes started up. I have lived with a lot of trauma in my family, and keeping all of my feelings bottled up never helped. But this summer was supposed to be different. I was away from all the problems and I had finally begun to figure out who I was and where I was going. But tragedy struck in July and all of those depression-like symptoms took a new twist and I had no control. And I liked it. I didn’t need to be the master of everything within my mind, I just did what I felt like and went ahead and did it. Nobody was there to tell me how spoilt and supposedly selfish I was. I didn’t have to live around another person’s needs, but yet I still felt quite empty, even when I knew my friends would always be there, my mind didn’t register it all.

The day I made a full effort into killing myself started on a Sunday at the end of July and completed on the Tuesday, two days later. I estimate I took around 60-some pills in that time. On and off again so I truly didn’t feel the full effect of 60 pills, however what I experienced scared the hell out of me. I would vomit into the trashcan next to me, unable to move off the bed. I ignored all phone calls, but according to my best friend, I had called her on Sunday night and yelled at her. In return, she got someone in to check on me and I blew it off as saying I had had too many pain killers. Whatever. That was a dangerous lie and a stupid one to tell. The following day I guzzled juices like my life depended on it, which it did. On Monday night, the depression came back with a vengeance and I gave up fighting. I was so empty within, convinced that I was unworthy of love from anybody and the world would be much better off without me. I forgot that there were others there that thought differently, so on Tuesday night I was quite shocked that my best friend came knocking on my dorm door; she was on duty and had access to the building. Anyways, by that time I had already downed 30 pills. I let her in and thank God I did because I was so ill. She just sat there and took care of me and watched over me for 6 hours until I finally reached a point where my body was exhausted and I passed out in sleep. What I remember the most was the pain within my stomach and how I thought I would never breathe again. I know now that I do want to have that ability to breathe. That I can remember things. Suicide along with my consistent cutting has never given my mind a rest, however, I know now that I have better options and my friend who saved my life is the closest thing I have ever come to feeling loved. This is what I want all who are out there thinking that suicide is an option. It really isn’t. Think of all of those days where you could breathe without trouble or walk with no pain. And remember there are angels out there. You are loved. You are cared about and there is nothing on this planet that you have done to make yourself unworthy. I know I have not seriously thought about killing myself for months now because I am stronger than those demons and you are too. May you live a very fulfilling life and slay all demons that you are meant too.

 

Permanent location: http://www.psyke.org/personal/s/sara