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Quinn

Copyright, Quinn

I first cut myself at work with my box knife on my upper left arm. I was under severe stress from my first year of college and because I keep analyzing things too much in my head and make them out to be something that they are not. I felt better but ashamed. A couple days later something else set me off and I cut myself a couple more times. Then one time I was so stressed out that I just went crazy on my arm. I sliced it at least 20 times. My arm literally felt cold and weak afterwards. I couldn’t believe that I had done this so I let it heal some. After about a week and a half I started cutting in a different direction in the same place only this time the cuts were not brief. They were deep and I bled a lot more. At first I only did one at a time but after a while I did more cuts at a time. There is a spot on my upper left arm where there is nothing but scars. I did my best to contain my problem so I considered this a good thing instead of just cutting everywhere. One time I cut myself deeply about 15 times across this area and I bled so much. I just sat back, dropped my razor blade, and let my blood drip down my arm: a metaphor for my pains dripping away with every drip on to the floor.

I thought that I had beaten this problem of mine because I had stopped cutting my arm and it had long since healed. Then, for some reason, I started cutting my wrist. I didn’t cut my veins, I cut around my veins. This, since it is such a more sensitive area than my arm, provided more pain with less cutting. I did not want to cut my veins, I think that I just wanted to have some control over my life if that makes any sense. I stopped cutting there after my twin brother kept asking me about it and after I ran out of excuses.

Sometimes I still cut my arm and sometimes I still cut my wrist. I really do want to stop but I really do not know any other good ways to cope with my stress. My major concern is anyone that I know finding out about this. I do not know what I would do.

 

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