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Love is Lost

My Life

Copyright, Love is Lost

Well I have been doing this for about three years, I am sixteen and I started because I was alone and really had no one to talk to or to hang out with. I started out just doing little scrapes on my ankle and feet. I did that for a while, then it got deeper and I moved to my legs and arms, I wish I did not do them an my arms because now I am stuck in long sleeve shirts. About two and a half years ago I started to hang out with these kids I met at camp that I had been writing to and things looked pretty good. I still cut but it was less often and not as deep. I was in a relationship and was just having fun. I broke up with my girlfriend after about three and a half months and I was so sad. That was when things got bad. I was going through fling after fling and could not find anyone who I wanted to be with but, about five months after that I was in another relationship with someone I thought I loved. We were perfect together and were meant to be. We were in love and I was happy. Before that I was cutting really deep into my stomach and getting deeper on my arms. After about seven months we broke up and I felt like killing myself, and I would have but my friends were there for me and I love them for that. I was just sad and depressed for about three months and started doing drugs almost every night. Also someone at my school went up to guidance and told them that I was cutting myself and the guidance counsellor called my mom and told her what I was doing and she flipped out and tried to tell me what to do about it and that just made me feel worse. In February I meet the perfect person for me. He loves me and knows how to make me happy and I love him. He says he loves me, but how can anyone love me? He is so much better than me and deserves better, but I’m very glad that he is with me because I might be dead without him. It was in July that one of my best friends killed herself and could hardly deal with it. I did not want to talk to anyone or see anything that reminded me of her. I loved her and she was gone and I wanted to go with her. I cut almost every night and I started to burn myself too. Music helped me through some of it and when I started talking to my friends they really helped me out. The next few months were the hardest I have ever had to live through and I hope I never have to again. I don’t know really why I SI, but I think it is bad self image and the fact that there is so much pain in my life that I just need to have some control over it. I am still with my boyfriend and my friends are all with me and I hang out with some more people too. I still do drugs and I still cut. Most of my cuts are not bad but some days I just hate myself or something bad happened that day to hurt me in some way. I have tried to stop, but every time I try I end up just stopping for a month or so then just coming back and doing it worse. Talking about it has helped a little, but I don’t see myself stopping soon, but if anyone has something they want to say they can write me.

 

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