Psyke.org

Lindy

Addicted

Copyright Lindy

It hurts my family, it hurts my friends but I can’t stop. I have been cutting myself for many years now. No one undersatands but me. I long to know that I’m not alone. I look at the pictures on this website and I see so many people who are like me and I feel not so alone. I have tried to stop but I can’t. It’s like a drug that I’m addicted to. I’m never going to stop. I give up.

Update: I do not remember when or why I started cutting. I remember when it was not as intense as it had been before I got help. I have never really had anyone to look after me or help me out. I have always been on my own, and sometimes I just feel like no one cares. I started out just scratching my self, then as time went by and I started to lose more friends and family, the cuts got deeper and deeper. When I was sixteen years old, I realised that I needed help. I asked my foster parents if I could start seeing a mentor or something. That was the first time I told someone about my problem. That was also the last time. I have not cut in about a year. Although I feel like it sometimes, I find other ways of dealing with things. If any of you would like someone to talk to, I am here to listen or if you need advice I am also hear to give it.

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Copyright Lindy

I was thirteen. He said if I really loved him, I’d bleed for him. So, I did. I bled everywhere for him. He would say: “Let’s die together”. I wanted to. We never died. I never stopped cutting. Even after he abandoned me. I couldn’t. I loved him.

Four years later I meet Matt. I still cut. He asked about the scars. I would just say: “Those scars are my past, present, and future.” I cried that night. I couldn’t cut. I loved Matt.

One night later, he called me crying. He asked me not to cut anymore; afraid I’d hurt myself. I laughed silently. I never cut again.

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Copyright Lindy

We were on a plane heading to Italy. My friend Roxy had got Miss Perfect 2002. It all happened without us knowing.

Roxy went into the bathroom, looking really sad. I thoughy nothing of it, I thought she just had a fight with her ex and needed somewhere to cry. 30 minutes later I got bored and got on her computer. I got an IM from her ex’s current. She said ‘Dont!’ I asked her ‘what are you talking about, this is Lindy’ then the words I never wanted to hear came: ‘Roxy told Drew she was going to kill herself!’ At first I thought this was a joke, not my friend, who had everything in the world and was always smiling. It took me 5 minutes to get up and go look in the bathroom. What I found was something I never want to see again. Roxy was lying on the floor, an empty bottle of pills and blood all around her. She had taken all 40 pills and cut her wrist. I ran back to get Mark and Chris and they started CPR. She wasn’t breathing at first. About 3 minutes later she started to. We were over the ocean and it would take a while to land about 45 minutes later we landed in Italy. From there she was rushed to the Naval Hospital on the base, us close behind. When we got there we found out that her heart had stopped and they were working on her. Thank God they got her back but they were afraed that she might have brain damage from her heart stopping. I got on AOL and talked to Drew. Right as I got on she coded again, and again they got her back they did a brain scan and found that her brain was swelling from falling and hitting it on the floor. They needed to put her in a coma. Right now I am by my friend’s bed praying she will be okay and hoping her parents get here soon. That’s right I am writing this story right by her side, waiting.

 

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