Psyke.org

Linda

Untitled

Copyright Linda

I was raised with all the love I needed and wanted up until I was five years old when my parents got a divorce and me and my brother were taken to live with a grandpa who loved us too. At first. My father tried to see us at first, then he met his new wife (who didn’t like me nor my brother) and just cut off all contact with us. My mother developed schizophrenia and just lost touch with the world around her, and me and my brother… well, we didn’t have anyone who could love us anymore. Our grandfather quickly became ignorant with us over everything. Nothing I could do was ever right. My only escape was school, and even there the other kids around me would put me down every chance they got. I had no friends. My brother moved in with another grandma after a while, and I was stuck with a mother who thought that there was “people” torturing her all the time, and who would hit and yell at me constantly for no reason. It was in the 7th grade when I first picked up a knife. At that point I had started to dread and hate school. It was a place of torture. Like a version of hell. I remember walking into the house and breaking into tears. And then I remember the knife. I ran it as hard as I could over my wrist, and than I repeated. After I was done, I cleaned up everything and felt a feeling of temporary relief from the tears. That’s when my sick little addiction with cutting started. As the years went on, I cut more and more. After my brother commited suicide April fools day 2004 it got worse. There are times that for no reason I’ll just cut. It feels like no one cares, like I’m all alone. An outcast. I can’t keep a boyfriend, my friends kick me when I’m down, nothing feels right. I’d give anything to quit cutting and just go back to the resiliant little girl I was when I was five. I’d give anything not to cut anymore, and to make others understand why I cut. Today at seventeen years old, I have over three hundred scars on my body. Wrists, arms,legs, thighs, shoulders, and stomach. They’re everywhere. For everyone to see. I’m constantly scared of social situations. I’ve lost friends over it. Nothing feels worth it, sometimes I even wish for God to take sympathy and just let me die. Sometimes? All the time. This I know is not just another sad story. I know that I’m not the only cutter in the world and that helps a little to know I’m not alone in this. I’m not alone, even though I feel that way..

Ex-Cutter

Copyright Linda

I am a fifteen year old girl from Norway, and I am an ex-cutter. I had cut myself since I was twelve years old. I went to therapy when I was fourteen, because my mom had found out about my SI. She told me that I had problems, but I wouldn’t listen. I just couldn’t realize that I really had problems. But my mom made me go to the therapy after all. It was so hard, but I said to myself: “I can do this.” I’d always cut my self every day. And now, they wouldn’t let me do it. I went to the therapy for a year. Now. I don’t cut myself anymore. But it was hard to give up the knife. Cutting yourself is a feeling, that is like drugs, to me. When I was sad, I’d just take the knife, and cut myself. When I did it, the pain just flowed out of my body. And I felt free. But now. I’m also free.

The reason why I wrote this, is because all the cutters out there, I’ve been trough the same as you all. It is a wonderful feeling to just let the blood “run”. But you need help if you do this. What if you don’t want to kill yourself? And suddenly you make that big mistake? And you are dead. I did almost die. And yes, I have been trying to kill myself three times. But the last time, my heart stopped for like four seconds. I was dead. But the doctors did bring me to life again. Something that I am very happy for. You really don’t need to cut yourself if you wanna feel free. I don’t feel free now. I am free. And I really hope that you all who has been offered help take it. It really helps you. And you do’t need to be a close-to-death person. You migth not know it, but you wanna live. I know that many people disagree with what I’ve just said, but maybe someone really knowes what I’m talking about.

Hope this thing works for you.

 

Permanent location: http://www.psyke.org/personal/l/linda