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Leigh-Ann

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Copyright, Leigh-Ann

I have been cutting for 2 years this christmas. I have just turned 17 last month and had stopped cutting for 3 months until a few weeks ago. Everything that has caused me pain came back to me (it never realy went) and I have been cutting every day recently to release the pain inside. It is the only way I can cope. I also have attempted suicide a few times but failed at that by overdosing on aspirin. I have a counsellor/teacher at school who knows me very well and I can trust her completely. We are going to a self-harm counselling place on monday together as I really need to help myself get through this. I usually cut anywhere as I carry my blades around with me just in case I can’t cope. I hate crying in front of people so it is a safety net as my scars are hidden as I wear long sleeves so they can’t see my pain. But I still feel really alone and never have anyone to talk to that really knows what I am feeling and it’s hard.

This is my story of why I self harm. Two years ago I found out that my dad (separated from my mum by this time) had a girlfriend. The problem was that she was 16, younger than my brother by one year and older than me by two years. She was horrible to me at school and used to bully me and my cousins when we were growing up. She has a younger sister who when found out about my dad and her bullied me at school and made remarks about my dad. Then after a few months into this I started to forget to eat as my mind was elsewhere. I couldn’t accept it and thought it was sick. I have lost 2 stone since then and last summer I was close to being anorexic. My eating is better now. I have put on a stone and am a healthy weight although have recently started to binge. I began cutting in december. I didn’t get to see my dad as they ran off together he told me he was going on holiday when in fact he was running away from her dad who was his best mate. I was unable to cope with all of this. I kept seeing the image of them together and remembering when I went to his flat and he ignored me and spent time with her laughing and joking. He even ignored me on my birthday. After a few months he told me that they were going to have a baby together. This tortured me inside I couldn’t cope. I cut deep and overdosed but the pain didn’t go. Now year later I am scarred physically and emotionally from it all. I haven’t seen my dad for a year in december and have been unable to stop cutting. On top of this my mum’s boyfriend is an alcoholic which is very hard to live with as he gets violent etc. This is quite recent and is too painful to talk about.

 

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