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Kuttz

Copyright, Kuttz

I have been a self injurer for like years. Even as a young child (like 5 or 6) I would hit myself. Bite myself. Every time I was angry. I was hit by my older sister (she is like 8 years old then me) like hardcore, like pushing me down slamming my face into windowsills and she kind of made my life hell. She would chase me around with knives and stuff tell me how much she hated me. I never told my parents because, well, I did want her to get mad. And they wouldn’t do anything but fight. That’s another thing, my parents fought all the time. And for years my mom told me my dad was the bad guy and not to listen to him. Then like when I was 9 or 10 my mom told me she regretted having me and she wanted to put me up for adoption. I was so mad when she told me. Now she and me don’t have a great relationship with each other. Also as I grew up I got made fun of by everyone. My dad, sister, other family members but the worst came from school. I could get away from everyone at home but in school they were always there in class, on the bus, everywhere. I hated it. I hated going to school to be messed with. It is something little kids should go through once again, hell. So now I’m a cutter and a burner, not so much a burner though, but a cutter.

Then like may of 2002 I started to carve stuff onto my ankles. You know, the boy initials and stuff. It felt good, I couldn’t believe it. I like it! Then not too long ago I started to cut with razor blades. What is even a better feeling? I’m 15 now. It scares me that I cut. I try not to. But it is this urge. It is kind of like a food to me I have to have it to live! I don’t have a lot of scars and it is hard for me in the summer. I cut X’s normally and not to long ago I cut “FREAK” into my ankle. And my stomach and legs, wherever it feels so good. A couple of my friends know that I cut but it is sad I don’t like them knowing but it is like they ask and I tell. God I’m so dumb! And when I find out someone else is cutting I say how dumb it is. And how they do it for attention. ‘Cos I mean, they show everyone. I don’t show people. And one time the school nurse almost saw my cuts. Wow. It is no one’s business, ya know. And you know I’m afraid if I get into a serious relationship. What I will do if we broke up. I’m crazy like that, think I have depression really bad, but oh well, don’t want help for that either- And also on top of everything I’m becoming MIA. Yeah, it is crazy, I had this other eating disorder where I wouldn’t eat all day till the nighttime when I would eat nonstop. Now if I eat I throw up at least half of it. I have just started this. Well, it didn’t last long but hey, you know what it sounds like, something to start again. I’m not telling you people this for attention, I’m telling it so you can see the many different reasons why people do it. And not to push them to stop. That’s how I feel bout it.

 

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