Psyke.org

Kelli

Copyright, Kelli

I’m still struggling with hating myself, and I’m in my mid 30s. I’m still struggling with unresolved issues from my teen years, when I was unloved and rejected. I’m going to college now and still can’t get a boyfriend or friends. I’ve cut myself at work, and alarmed a co-worker. My main triggers are a guy flirting with or making out with another girl in front of me, or seeing young couples wherever I go. I’ve hit my head against walls, thrown tantrums, almost run over people with my car driving in anger, and had major anxiety attacks. I hate not having control over this situation. And it doesn’t matter whether I’m feeling good about myself one day and not the next, when I see girls who look better than me, or who get all the attention, or see couples together, I want to scream. It drives me crazy. It’s always the same situation that makes me want to hurt myself, and I’ll keep your pointers in mind next time I feel that way. I try not to look at these people that piss me off, I avoid parties where I know I’m gonna get ignored or rejected, and basically live as a hermit. Then I’m fine. Except when I have to go out in public where these kinds of touchy-feely, “trendy” teens or twenty-somethings are. In fact, I have to go to college today, and I know I’m gonna have to avert my eyes a thousand times. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve given up on a guy ever accepting me as I am, so I don’t even try. I’m no good with hair, but I still make a half-attempt at dressing well so I don’t look like a total slob. Still, I’m not gonna look like those snobby little bitches who think they’re better than those of us who are “different”, and who get all the cute guys, who are just as superficial as they are. But they still look good to me, and I still get jealous. I can’t hurt them, so I hurt myself. I control myself enough to not get into the hospital, but my feelings still get out of control and it’s very, very hard.

 

Permanent location: http://www.psyke.org/personal/k/kelli