Psyke.org

Kayley

My Self Injuring

Copyright Kayley

OK, I don’t know how to start this story so I’ll just start off with how I have been cutting for two years because my mom got sick and the cutting continued and escalated when she got sicker and passed away. But I am starting to remember some things from my childhood that I just need to write somewhere. I can remember when I was very young, my mom used to wash my hair and before she came in the bathroom one day I just got the idea to scratch all over my chest, in the design of a star. When my mom came in, she saw that and asked where I got it from and I told her that ‘a friend at school did it’. All she said was why would you let someone do that to you? and I didn’t answer. I used to scratch myself when I was bored all though my childhood, and for when I got upset. My brother caused most of these reasons, as sick as it might sound, he used to for as long as I could remember, ask me to show him ‘myself’ and tried to make me do things, the scary thing is I can’t remember most of the things that happened because I blocked it all out thinking it was just what older brothers do. A few times I told my mom and she got him in trouble for it, but after a while he was so good at lying that since he was older my dad mostly believed him. When I wasn’t believed anymore I stopped telling on him. This went on from as long as I can remember until I was about eleven or twelve years old. I started ignoring him more and not hanging out with him in his room, or anywhere else so he got mad at me and stopped bugging me. I would do things like purposely make myself fall down or make people push me around, or let my hamsters scratch me and my friends cats. I also had a few people try to break my wrist for me, which didn’t work so well, so I tried myself by running down a big hill in the winter, as it’s covered in ice and bend my arm the wrong way and try to fall on it with all of my weight.

I first heard of cutting on ‘7th Heaven’, a TV show. The girl in the show was caught by her friend’s brother cutting herself with a razor in the bathroom. My first thought was why would someone hurt themselves on purpose, wouldn’t that hurt? I was watching the show with my mom I think, but I can’t remember what she said. After that I forgot about it.

A little while later, I’m not sure when though, my mom got diagnosed with cancer and I remembered the girl on the show. I was in my class and I took a staple from the stapler and scratched my arm with it. No one noticed and I suddenly felt calm. I told some of my friends, I also think, as much as I hate it that I might have wanted attention because I wasn’t getting any because my mom was so sick and no one came to see me anymore. So when I thought about that I told my mom and dad and said I wouldn’t do it anymore. That was March 2003.

In November 2003, it was my first year of high school. I was upset because of some things and I was watching ‘Degrassi, the next generation’ and there was a girl on there who started cutting. I watched that with my mom. She looked at me and said you better not start doing this and I was like no I won’t. The next night I got really really mad and went to my room and took out my geometry set and took out the very pointy and sharp thing. I made one small cut near my elbow and made a big deal out of it, feeling really guilty and everything. The next day at school I made two more and about five days later told my mom, that day was my birthday.

Since then, I have been going on and off with cutting, sometimes it will go away and other times it will come back a day after the last time I did it, or even the same day ten times worse. The most I have gone without doing it was about a month in February 2005. The last time I actually cut was probably about three weeks ago, I’m not so sure but I threw out all of my razors and did it on my own will to make my friends happy and know that she did help me. She was so happy that she cried and then we all had a big group hug. A little while ago I had the beginnings of an eating disorder according to my friends because I was trying to starve myself and would tell myself I hate eating all day long so I wouldn’t eat and without even knowing, I would talk about my weight all day long and no matter how much weight I lost, I felt like I was getting bigger, but that didn’t go for long maybe about a week or two then my friends caught on and forced me to eat. I have been told that I’m slipping back into that habit, although I don’t think I am. I do sit ups everyday if I can and try to make my appetite go away. Well I know that this story is boring, and way way too long, so thats all I’ll write. If anyone needs to talk or someone to relate to or a friend, please feel free to e-mail me at kaley_v@hotmail.com or jessika_w@hotmail.com.

 

Permanent location: http://www.psyke.org/personal/k/kayley