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Justine

How My Life Came Crashing Down

Copyright, Justine

You think of a life with a twin, and two older sisters, and a mother. You would think that it was normal right? Well, wrong. On august 25, 2000 my twin and I 11th birthday, our mother died at two o’clock in the morning. No one knew that she was going to die. It was just all of a sudden. I heard my oldest sister come into the living room, where my middle sister and I were sleeping, saying, mom’s not breathing, sis, wake up. At first I thought that it was all just a dream, but as she kept screaming, I woke up, running to my mother’s room, and I saw the two dragging mom off the bed, the oldest is now on the phone to 911, reminding you, I am only eleven years old, seeing my mother like that, all pale, blue lips, purple fingertips. I ran to my twin’s room, and said, mom, she, she, I don’t know, something is wrong. I don’t think that she is breathing, she is pale, just like in the movies! So we ran to the room, and we saw the oldest sister trying to do CPR on her. By then the paramedics came, and I just remember seeing my mother on the stretcher bed, and her hands wouldn’t stay on her.

So then we went to the hospital, dad was already there (my mother and father were separated, but still married). When we went into this room, I remember seeing his eyes, so red from crying, and I knew that mom was dead. He then said that mommy won’t be with us any more. She has passed away.

My world came crashing down that night. My mother was all that I had.

So I had to move to Missouri, to live with my aunt, because my dad couldn’t take care of us, he was living in a trailer home thing. So we went there, and it was a nightmare come true. I grew up in a place where there were no rules, do whatever you want, as long as you were happy. But with my aunt, there were strict rules.

The reason why I have told you this story is because that is why I began cutting. I wanted to make my aunt mad, because she was a witch, when it came to raising kids, but she had no kids of her own, so I could understand now. But when you’re eleven years of age, you thought that rules where the worst. But as I grew up, I felt the pain of the world without a mother. I didn’t know who I was, and I wanted to find out. I went two years of cutting without anyone knowing, and then my life was good, I had a boyfriend, and so I stopped cutting myself. But then I moved to California, and I went to go live with my dad. I didn’t want to because I had a life out there.

Now that I think of it, cutting is an addiction. You crave it, because you want all the pain you feel to go away. And when you cut, you feel that one moment of peace, that one moment where you know that there is something out there, that cares about you. And that is cutting. You depend on that instrument that you use. You hide it, and make sure no one knows where it is. you live in a life of secrets.

I am now fifteen, and I just recently told my family, that my uncle and I have been sleeping together. But he is my uncle by marriage, so it’s not incest. But anyways. I lived with my uncle, aunt, dad, and my twin sister. I cut then because I wanted to stop doing things with my uncle, I would cut only where he would see. Because he would “reward me” by having sex with me if I didn’t cut. But I would still cut, and we would still mess around. But I didn’t have it in me to say, stop, I don’t want to do this anymore. We would talk about stopping, but we never did. Until I told my twin sister, and she told my dad, and he took it from there.

But cutting, it’s all an addiction. You want it, you crave it. It’s like candy to a baby. You love the feeling that the blade gives you, but yet you don’t feel it, but yet you do. It’s so strange. And you want more of it, and more. Where you can’t stop, until you tell someone. And they get the help that you need.

I have been hospitalised twice, and now I am in a foster care program, because my family don’t know what to do with me. I am so proud to say this, but I haven’t even thought about cutting, because the problem is gone. My uncle. He is in jail now. But I miss him. I don’t think that he should go to jail, because it was not forced. But that is another story to tell a later time.

Thank you for taking the time to read this story, please, if you have any questions, you can e-mail me at twins_rus@yahoo.com.

Wanting to Feel Love

Copyright, Justine

She looks down at her wrist, and saw all of the scars that she has. Every time that she gets upset, she feels that she has to cut herself. She don’t know why though. Like every time she hurts someone else, she thinks that she has to get a sharp knife, and slowly cut her wrist, to feel that warm blood getting out of her skin. To get the hate out of her, to give up all of the pains that she feel in the world. She gets hurt easily, and she takes things to heart. Like that saying, She wears her heart on her shoulder.

She feels the urge to cut herself, to feel that pain, that she knows. She hears the words in her head. You’re a fucked up kid, and that is the reason why this family is so messed up. It’s because of you. She hears them echoing, and she wants to just die, because she made some one feel that they need to say those words to her. She hates the person she is. And she wishes that she could change herself. But she thinks that she can’t because that is all she knows, that she is a fucked up child. And that is what she thinks, that she will always feel as though she failed.

So she got the knife, and looked at the blade, and thought to herself, yes you need to do this, you deserve it. So she slowly puts it on her scared wrist, and cuts. Cuts deeply, from the left to the right. And afterwards, she feels as though a huge rock has been lifted off of her shoulder. But then she realises what she did, and wished that it could go away. But she knows in her heart that is will never go away, and she has to live with the thought that she is a failure.

She thinks to herself, how can she do this? Something is not right with me, I need help. But every time she asks for help, they always treat her different, and she wants to be treated like she is no different. Like they say that she has to hid the knifes now. She wishes that she didn’t do it, but she can’t take it back, she has to live with the sight, and live that she has been a failure. Not only to her family but to herself.

She thinks of the lover. That night that they made love. She longs to feel him again. She wishes that she could go back to that moment, and see the love in his eyes. She knows deep down inside, that he might not want to be with her now. Now that he knows that she is a cutter. How can she live without him? How can she look him in the face, and truly love him. Because she don’t even love herself. What can she do? It’s not like she can take it back. Take away the scars that she has on her wrist. She loves him with all of her heart though, and she needs to feel that about herself, but how? She don’t know, that is why she needs help.

Then she thinks about what he said, I know you now, you are in me, I can feel you, and know what you are thinking. Does he now know what she did? Can he see it when he looks at her? Now, how could she look at him? How can she live that her lover might hate her? She thinks about all of this, and she don’t know what to do. She wishes that she could be in his arms, and here those words again, I will never let go, you will always be in my arms. Does he really mean it? But of course, she knows that he does, but what about her? Can she feel the same way?

She loves him, and he loves her, but that is not all that goes on in a relationship. She knows that they will have their ups and downs. But how will she takes the downs? Will she always go to that knife? To feel that freedom, to feel that pain that she has done. She feels alive when she does it. But she knows that is not right to think. And she wonder why she thinks that. Why does she feel alive when she gets out that knife? But she also feels that she needs to. That she has caused her lover such pain, to make him mad at her.

People tell her that she thinks too much. But that is all the human do. Think. That is why they are here, to think, and do. But what she thinks is not right. And she knows that. But how can people say that she thinks too much? Maybe she does, but that is not always bad. Because the people who don’t think becomes a no body. But she will never be a no body, because she will always have her lover, right by her side.

She looks down at her wrist and wonders. She needs his love right now. She needs to feel his love, and then the phone rings. She was startled. She answers it, hello. And she hears his voice. Her heart stops, and she can’t breathe. But then she catches her breath, and she says, hey, I was just thinking of you. And he says, what? What is a matter, are you OK? Do you need me to come home? She sits there, and she is amazed. How could he possibly know? And then he says, OK I am coming home. We need to talk. And he hung up.

Oh no. How can she do this? What is he going to say, sorry but its over? No! He can’t do that. He loves her. Oh no, what has I done. What do I do? Do I just sit here, and wait for him? What? She panics, and her beat begins to beat. Faster, harder, and her heart hurts. She walks around in circles, wait to come home. She thinks of what to say, and then she feels him in the drive way. She knows that he is here. Oh shit! She feels shaky, like she is falling.

She woke up, and saw his face, and she cries. She sobs, and all he does is gently hold her in his arms, and softly says, shhh, everything is going to be OK, don’t worry, I will help you with anything. We can make it through this time. Now she cries even harder, and she tries to say something, but she can’t talk. His hands are on her mouth, and he says, shhh, baby. Just let it out, give it all to me. And so she does, she gives him her pain, makes him feel what it is like to know what she feels. To feel that he might give up on her, like everyone else.

She slowly stops crying, and he sits her up, and her eyes are red and puffy. She looks at him, and says that she is sorry, and she was just afraid that he used her. He looked at her, and said, why would you ever think that. Honey I love you, and nothing can change that, nothing. I love you, and that’s that. She is sorry that she has done it, and he says out loud, I know, lets just go and lay down for a while. I had a bad day at work, I just need to calm down, and relax.

So they went to the bed, and they laid with each other, arms around each other and they just laid there. She closes her eyes, and thinks back to that night. To that bliss, and she wants it again, but she knows that he is tired. But she looks at him with passion in her eyes, and he closes his eyes, and he thinks the same thing. He needs to enter her, and feel her, to see what is going on inside her. He knows that she won’t just tell him what is going on in her head. He knows that he has to patiently wait for her to open up. And for her to open up, she needs to get relaxed, and no stress, and maybe, just maybe, he can ask her, and she will tell him.

And so they start to kiss, and get all into it, and they made love. Once again. Every time they made love, they get to know one each other more, get inside each other soul. They love each other, and they will always love each other. That is one thing that she likes about there relationship. They love each other, end of story, she thinks to herself.

After they made love, she went to bed, hearing his heart beat. And his smooth hands on her skin. She loved when she gets to sleep in his arms.

 

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