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John

April 21st 2003, the Day that Ruined my life

Copyright, John

On April 21st 2003 I met a girl named Jane (not her real name). She was my “best friend”. I told her everything. At that point I was barely twelve, and a happy kid. Well, wouldn’t go that far, but you know what I mean.

Jane had been cutting for about four years from what I had been told. And I thought nothing of it. All it was to me was something she did. Everyone knew what she did, that is except her mom.

After a while of course I got sad here and there, Jane told me that I should hurt myself and how much it had helped her and everything. So after a while I ended up caving in, and cut. You have to understand that in the seventh grade I was a huge loner. And I couldn’t lose her as a friend.

In September of 2003 a friend of mine died. That only made matters worse. (Well, no shit.) The hardest part about this was that another friend of mine (also Jane’s friend) began to cut because of the influence of Jane.

After my friend died, I started having problems at school. A little jerkoff started making fun of my dead friend. After about five months I left that school. I left for two months and came back for the last few months of the year. When I returned the kid that was causing the problems in turn stopped because of the threat of being kicked out of school.

Also before all this had happened I was in a treatment center for kids. I was there for “anger problems”. For a few months I had been forced to go to a shrink because of a family medical history. And I ended up on anti-depressants and these drugs made me black out on everyone. When I crushed up all my meds my mom sent me to the treatment center for almost a month. I have always held a grudge about that against my mother.

Then there were my family problems.

My brother, he Smoked up and he got so insane when he did, and usually kicked my ass. But my brother also saved me from my dad many, many times, and I love him for that.

One of the incidents with my dad that will forever be burned in my mind is: One day I wanted to go hang out with a friend I never saw I asked my dad for a ride to go see him and he said no. I in turn asked him if I could take the bus or a cab to meet my friend. He again said no. I asked him why I couldn’t and he absolutly went insane and locked me in a bathroom probably smaller than a bathroom stall. I’m very claustrophobic and he knew that. And I started to freak out and I started kicking the door trying to get out. He opened the door after what felt like ten hours (it was only two minutes) and then he said I was Going insane and should go back to a treatment center. And at that point he grabbed a dog chain. We had gates set up around our kitchen for our dog. So I thought that gate would save me from my dad. Wrong, very wrong. My dad said and I quote “either you step over that gate, or I’ll fucking throw you over”. I obviously stepped over and he dragged me into the living room and tied me up with the dog chain and smacked me a few times and verbally put me down. When he finally let me out I ran upstairs and went right to my computer praying my brother or anyone was online. I saw my brother’s girlfriend was online and tried to get her to call him. She wouldn’t I just was like fuck! And I got a friend to call my brother and he came home. I was downstairs because my dad caught me trying to sneak out. And when he came home my dad flipped on me I ran to my brother for protection and he held me away from my dad as I bawled. We both went upstairs and my brother asked what happened and I told him what did and he went downstairs in a fit of rage and yelled at my dad and kicked him out of the house. That few hours will always be burned into my memory. I forgot to say that my dad doesn’t live with us and my mom was out of town so I was pretty fucked!

About a month after the incident with my dad, I started talking to someone. She happened to cut to which I found out after talking to her for a while. We had never met each other, but I could tell her anything and we talked every day. We had only been talking to each other for about a month, but it felt like we had known each other for a lifetime.

Every time I feel sad or frustated or angry I immedietly cut. It makes me feel sick like I don’t deserve to live, I hate it but that’s who I am.

Now I have much better friends and only a few know I cut. But every time I do I know I hurt them so much, but some times I can’t take it.

But after all this I can only hope that my story will end with me still here.

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Copyright, John

I am a male of 50. I have suffered from depression, panic/anxiety, OCD as long as I have any memory of my past; as far back as 3 or 4. For the past few years I have developed agoraphobia and rarely venture outside my home alone. I was 1 of 7 children and we were all unplanned and unwanted as well as being reminded what a burden we were and all physically abused by my so-called Dad. I remember I wanted to end my life as far back as age 5.

I hope by this message I can help someone, but each person is different and will view my ideas in a variery of ways.

I think that the greatest fear we have is death; and anyone who is not afraid to die I want to meet and hear why and or how you have overcome this fear.

Most well-intentioned people that I kindly call Bible bangers have all the answers so I would be careful to listen to their form of opium religious dogma.

I think that religions, though well intended, have hurt far more people than it has helped and most if not all wars are in some way related to religion.

I don’t put them down or treat them unkindly but people with any painful disease will not find answers in the same way as others and granted some have found religion as helpful as any other drug. Religions will fill your mind with guilt and fear; as the Bible says we are all sinners, but it also says no manner of sin can enter into heaven. How can that be rational? Also, I, as many of you, have been tormented by life after death.

I am a religious person as we all have some form of wonder as to what the master plan is. The secret is there is no secret nor is there an answer that will satisfy all.

A person with any emotional problems can find enough torment without trying to live like Christ the most perfect man on record so I no longer try.

I have studied religion for 35 years and not until recently did I have a clue what it does to help people except the need to die in the hope of going to a place of bliss after death.

So, if you can put religion in perspective you will be happier than being tormented by it.

Let me say there is no god who created us, gave us free will and offered us eternal damnation if we can’t swallow the whole pill. I have learned to find peace with this God as he would not tell us to love those that hate us and forgive others. At the same time God says he is love and also he is revenge.

He is not both; nor does a supernatural being set standards for you that exceed his own. If you are of a religious faith put it in perspective as the holy rollers are as confused as we are but they hold the bible as a security blanket.

Try to think of God as that part of your mind that wants to feel compassion for others people and animals and think of the part that wants revenge or to hurt those that hurt you as the opposite of of a God. I think that most people think that the Bible is without flaws but the entire book is flawed and gives double messages from one end to the other. If you think of God as a friend then your perception of this being will be more at ease. No friend would create you only to damn you, so forget that and tell the Bible thumpers to let you sort out your own salvation or your own concept.

My best friend is a Lutheran Minister but I don’t think he can save me, nor does he.

Try to remember that the experience of yesterday is like the food you ate yesterday. You used the information that helped like your body used the food that was needed to live and the rest turned in to do do. Yesterday is do do. Your guilt says not to do that stuff that hurts and the food that made you sick will say do not eat that if you get sick. To play with you past you cannot change is like playing with the food you ate last week it is now do do.

I hope that I have not confused you more but I am willing to help people so a new perspective and help you lose some of the fear of life as we are all afraid to die and also afraid to live if we are not able or not willing to let go of the do do.

 

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