Psyke.org

Jenny

My Personal Story

Copyright, Jenny

I dont even know why you would care, but I feel like writing right now, so I might as well.

My name is Jenny, and I am 15 at the moment. I have been self-injuring for 9 years; since I was 6. The first time I did it, I drank half a bottle of shampoo, but I never did that again. After that, I scratched and bruised (more of the later) myself for many years. When I moved from Illinois to Michigan when I was 9, I moved to trying to break my arms/fingers (although never succeding) and suffocating myself almost to death, while still scratching and bruising. During 4th and 5th grade I had many short bouts of anorexia. I kept up the scratching (although it was always getting worse) and brusing until 9th grade. At the beginning of 9th grade, I began to experiment with drugs, and soon found myself fighting addiction to marijuana. Once friends realized it though, they began to wean me off of it. I am very thankful to them for being there for me.

In November of that year I began to cut myself with scissors. Still, I didn’t think about what I was doing. In January/February a friend of mine approached me about the scars on my arm and told me that I was self-injuring and that it was a major problem. I had never even thought about doing it before. It was just a natural reaction to stress that I had used all my life. This information, though, made it worse. Once I realized that I did have a release, I only wanted to use it more. In May, I progressed to using my shaving razor to cut myself, then I purchased razor blades. I am getting much better though. I have cut myself only 2 times in the past 2 months, which is much better than my 8-15 times a week record in the past.

My parents are my major triggers, and sometimes a movie with a lot of blood in it can trigger me, but I am getting better about controlling myself and my urges. Luckily, I have kept them pretty much completely oblivious to my whole situation. I never want them to know.

Wow… sorry that was so long. It was a great release for me, though, so I am thankful that I had the oppurtunity.

Love and Light,
Jenny

Jenny

Copyright, Jenny

I can’t remember the day it all started; the SI. It was as if it was yesterday, but I know that it is now well over a year since I started. I got a razor and tore the hell out of my arm, just because I was frustrated and my mum and stepfather had just had a massive row and for the second time he kicked her and I couldn’t stop him. There was nothing I could do.

Before he touched mum I’m talking weeks I went to go and see the school counselors, Keith and Sallyanne. I couldn’t trust them they knew my mum, what if they told her? I couln’t tell them anything. I hadn’t started self harming by then.

The pain the first time I cut was enormous, it wasn’t deep enough to do any damage just to relive me. I think someone at school must have noticed because I had to go back to “them” again. They were OK about it, I still couldn’t talk to them about it properly, I didnt trust them enough yet.

My life was going downhill fast. It was the 21st Jun 2000 when I first cut.

I went to see Keith and Sallyanne once a week for a little while. I must have been cutting at least nearly every day. I was going to the doctors by then and put on anti-depressants, and seeing some sort of counselor. It came to a time in January 2001 that I couldnt keep it to myself much longer so I told mum. She had no idea that I was seeing Keith and Sallyanne or going to the counselor let alone cutting my self. It was a total shock to her.

Here is where the fun starts.

I can remember the day 9th Feb 2001, it was a friday. I was feeling really pissed off so I mentioned it to Keith and Sallyanne then it just sort of slipped out that I was going to kill myself, they made me go down to the doctor’s and my doctor wasn’t there so I saw some bloke he didn’t think I would do it so he gave me some stronger anti-depressants. I went home and did nothing, I wasn’t very well, had a cold so I didn’t want to go into hospital and see my granddad so I stayed at home. At about 6.30 I did it. Took about 70 anti-depressants, the rest came later when I couldn’t sleep, I panicked and phoned Keith and Sallyanne they weren’t there so I did nothing. I just went to bed and couldn’t sleep.

I went downstairs about 3 o’clock and moaned to mum that I couldn’t sleep and felt ill and asked for some Paracetamol just to finish me off! We didn’t have any so I went to bed. I was sick during the night and then in the morning so I told mum what I had done and she took me to hospital. They did all the normal stuff and all that, that evening Sallyanne phoned they had got my answer phone message and phoned mum and now wanted to hear it from me, visiting time was over but they came in anyway, I never cried so much in my life.

They were really nice, they came in every day while I was in there 2 weeks and 3 days, I didn’t go home to live with mum I went home to dad’s to live with him.

7 months nearly to the day has passed, I still see Keith and Sallyanne they are really nice peole and if it wasn’t for them I would be dead. They saved me. They are the best. I have come over a lot over the past 7 months I haven’t cut myself for 6 months and dont feel like killing myself anymore I’m enjoying myself, I passed all my exams with excellent results considering what I have been through.

It’s not nice to say now but my only regret is that I didn’t use my brain before I took an overdose and bought some more tablets and took them to kill me but hey I’m here now and you can’t change the past but Keith and Sallyanne are here for me now whenever I need them!

 

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