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Jen

Copyright, Jen

I remember every detail of the day I first cut, even down to what I was wearing. It was about a year and a half ago and my dad had just yelled at me for being ‘disrespectful’ to my grandparents, great-greandmother, and him most of all. It was the same old thing, I heard it daily, but everytime it hurt more and more to hear how much I disappoint him and all. I was so mad, I went up to my room, I started blasting one of Eminem’s songs, I couldn’t even hear myself think. I had thought of doing it before, I had heard of friends online doing it, but never anyone in life, they were all so perfect and pretty. I wasn’t like anyone I knew, I took out a pocket knife I had taken from my dad a few days before and fell to the side of my bed. I didn’t cut deep at all, just about a paper cut, it didn’t even bleed. I forgot all my problems, I was in my own world.

One day my dad saw blood marks on my sheets and I had to stop cutting. I don’t think I did anything for about 2 weeks, soon I was so depressed I was thinking suicide for the first time which scared me. Soon enough I started burning and have been ever since. My mom has found out and I have been seeing a counselor who, as my mom says, is a little out of it herself (leaving clients for 5 weeks to go on vacation, seeing me every other week even though she knew I was burning and all). Even though I don’t live with my dad anymore, it seems like he leads me to burning, after ever phone call I burn, even just talking on the internet. I gave up on myself and soon enough I was just tired of living. I have slipped into a deep depression, I even feel bad after I go out with friends and smile so much that they think I’m so happy and enjoying life, but once I am away from them I can’t smile even if I wanted to. I am going to go into a day program or will be hospitalized if I can’t find a day program. I feel soo lost and no one I know understands it. No one trys to understand it. No one wants to understand it.

 

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